Dear Reader, Love Ally

Entry #45

Dear Reader,

As I danced around my living room today, with my daughter. I felt an overwhelming amount of love, joy and even sorrow.

Love. I love her eyes. The way they stare back into mine. I love how she opens her mouth really wide like a yawn when shes happy. I love the way she coos with excitement as I twirl her around the living room rug. I just love her. And every ounce of my brain, my heart and my mind wants to protect her. Its my motherly instinct.

Joy. Joy that she will never have to feel the pain that I feel. Or that her brothers feel. She wont even know them. She wont have to miss them, or wonder if she is going to see them again. She will never have to wonder. She will never have to feel pain like I did. Because I will always be her voice.

Sorrow. Sorrow that My daughter will only have one set of grandparents. Sorrow that every mothers day from now on when the kids ask me who my mom is, Ill say I don’t have one. Sorrow that there are actually children that are experiencing sexual abuse right in this same moment. I feel sick to my stomach that there are actually predators out there who think sexually about babies this little.

You hear of it. But you don’t actually want to know about it. You want to say you never knew anyone who was sexually abused as a child. But chances are you do. Chances are they just havent had the strength to tell you. Chances are you may even currently know a child, who is still a child who is being abused. And thats just the harsh reality.

And another harsh reality is that our judical system is set up to protect the pedophile. Because they have rights. In a situation like this. It almost feels like they have more rights then the child. I feel as though most reports aren’t taken seriously. Child predators usually start out by exposing themselves or peeping in windows. They dont normally just straight up start touching a child. They work up to that. If they get away with one offens, they will try another, amd another and another. They will push there limits to see how much they can get away with.

And that is where society did me wrong. Where the court system did me wrong. Where the cps did me wrong. Reports as “small” as someone exposing themselves in public should be taken seriously. And there should be a much harsher penalty for those types of offenders. It never should have gotten to where it did.

He never should have been able to violate me. He never should have been able to break me. He never should have been able to hurt me. He never should have been able to love me or know me.

That life I had it wasn’t love. I was robbed of knowing unconditional love as a child. And I will never get that back.

And that is the harsh reality.

But again, for me, I rejoice throughout the day because my three children are safe with me. I laugh at there jokes, at there personalities and there fits. And then at the end of the day I Weep for them. Because they should never have to feel my pain. They should never have to know my struggles right now. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, so that they dont have to. Because THATS LOVE.

Because thats my job as a parent. Noone did that for me. But I sure has hell will do it for my babies.

Love Ally

Entry #44

Dear Reader,

She knew. When my abuser was touching himself behind me on the living room floor watching a disney movie, while she sat on the couch. She knew. I a child. Knew the sound of him touching himself…and as an adult I still know that sound. So how could she not know?

I know what my kids are doing almost every second in my house. So how would she not know? When my dad snuck into my room that I shared with my sister and would choose which one of us to finger while he touched himself beside us…she knew. If he chose my sister I would fake sleep and just listen to it. The whole time wishing he wouldn’t come to me when her was done with her. But listening felt worse then actually performing the act. Sometimes.

So if I as a child. Heard it. How did she not? When My children are in there rooms and I am sleeping I can hear my son tip toe on the stairs of his bed in his room. When I am sleeping I can hear my son walking to the bathroom to use the restroom. Every day. Anywhere, anytime, any place I know what my kids are doing, just by hearing them.

So don’t tell me she didnt know what was going on in her own house. She knew every second if it. And she did nothing.

She was never going to do anything. She made me think she couldn’t hear him. But as a mother, I now know she did.

How could anyone do that to a child? Only the physcopaths know.

Love Ally

Entry #43

Dear Readers,

Happy Mothers Day to all the moms who put there kids before themselves. To the moms who cried when they went to bed because they were afraid that they failed as a parent. To the mom who feels there childs pain at the end of each day.

I spent the day trying to make my kids happy, because I wanted them to look back on today and say “damn” mom really didnt seem any different. But Its already too late for that because All day instead of trying to think about me. I NEEDED to think about them because normally my mom calls me today. And tells me I did such a good job. She tells me I improve every year and then I smile and tell her who I learned it from...

But today, I weep because I didnt Learn it from her. I learned alot of what not to do. And even in her good moments I was never myself because I didnt even know who I was Allowed to be.

But today Id make some extravagant post on facebook. With pictures of her with me, and some pictures of her with the grandkids. If today was a normal mothers day. If I hadnt of broken the cycle shed still call me and praise me and Id feel proud for the day. But that was all her way of making feel extra extra special. And I miss her call today.

Yet at the same time. I never want her to call me again. And this is the slowest amd hardest mothers day yet. Because to me She is not and never truely was my mother. So I have no mother today. Or at least not the same one ive had for over 20 years… so its wierd and it feels surreal. And I just want the day to be over. So I dont have to try not to call one of my biggest abusers. This to me, because I was trained to respect her more then even myself. This. The silence on her phone from me. Feels like the biggest betrayal to childhood me. And yet really it is the biggest commitment, the biggest statement I can make to little young me.

She is not a Mother so Today Is not her day.

Love Ally

The Truth Entry #2

Dear Readers,

Turning in your abuser can be the hardest thing we’ve ever done. But I did it. You can too. It hurts. The child within you HURTS. But if every adult turned in there perpetrator now. We could save the children. I know a child that…has the same abuser as I do. And he would have to testify. Or we can be his voice. We can teach them that we adults have there best interest in mind. We can teach them how to be the voice for there generation, and many generations to come. We can stop the cycle for them.

And your abuser might not be mine, but your abuser could also be someone elses. And If we stand up. We can prevent the CURRENT CHILD from having to testify. Somewhere. A child Predator Never changes.

Somehow, Let It Be.

Love Ally

Entry #42

Dear Reader,

I am not sure what hurts more the fact that I was abused or the fact that I loved my abuser. The fact that even though he made me feel so low I also thought I could trust him. I’m not really sure how the mind of a child works when someone can treat you so badly as he did And yet you can love them so much.

Thats the thing though. A childs mind doesnt have the capability to process what abuse is when its an every day thing. It just becomes normal. And then even as an adult you want to believe that the people who abused you really did it because they loved you. Its a complicated place to be in. I know Its hard to understand. I know sometimes the views we had of a person can be influenced by the characteristics they portray. But they can be completely different people behind closed doors.

And its hard to comes to terms with that that specific person was an abuser, especially if you knew them as a child. Especially if you raised them. But do the victims blame a murderers parents? No. Everyone becomes there own person one day. And we do our best as parents to guide them. But I dont blame anyone but my abuser I dont blame his family.

In a world where abuse is so common its important to remember that you are not alone. There are women like me, women like you, or men like you, there are people all over the world that are not you but have experienced things Like you. You just have to reach out. Be a voice. And know we are not alone.

Love Ally

Entry #41

Dear Reader,

Someone sent me a bouquet today. Of beautiful white and yellow daisies with a cute butterfly, that looks like it landed on one of the flowers.

I dont know who it is from, it didnt say. But I forgot mothers day is coming up. And its my first mothers day where I feel like a huge failure and a huge success at the same time. I just know this mothers day is going to be hard for me because I won’t be calling my own “mother.”

Over the past few months Ive discovered the horrors of what my life was.. I remember what it was like to be locked in a room trying to find toys to play with to distract myself from what was going on in the other room. Im still learning and comprehending that that wasn’t normal…because It just seemed so normal to me. Its like reliving all my memories with a different perspective. Realizing that my mom let it all happen. Realizing she was the reason I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. She was the reason I felt so insecure, so depressed so out of this world. Nothing was ever good enough and the goals I made for myself to impress her… and how hard I reached for perfection to make her proud…absolutely disgusts me now because that was not a healthy or normal seeking of approval. It was the mind of a child that didnt ever experience unconditional love. And that makes me sad.

I watch my kids and I smile because even though things are hard in the moment. I know that they are experiencing, unconditional love. From me, from friends, from family and from now on feom everyone they encounter. Its not bitter to realize. Its only sweet. Because this shit we are feeling is temporary and they will always get the best mom I can ever be, for them. They will always have my open mind and understanding. I will look at things from there perspective not just my own… because I want them to become there own persons.

Thanks for the anonymous bouquet. Someone really made my day.

Love Ally

Entry #40

Dear Reader,

One day life will be simple. One day I will play with clay and build a new mug right along side my kiddos. I will be able to coil build sculptures and they will be happy. And the pain that I feel wont randomly strike across my face. I know Ill always Struggle. But I have hope that 10 years from now the people who raised me will be just a distant memory. And the pain I feel now. Will be power later.

It is definitely a weird world When a psychopath who rapes children Actually believes that they changed. It’s a crazy world when that same physcopath is going around trying to get everyone arrested for breaking the law when reality is he won’t even face the punishment for what hes done.

I mean honestly am I surprised that hes still fighting it every second of the day? No. But that small little seed that they planted in my head about how loving and caring he is for me Still tries to pop back up and give me hope that they really are who they claim to be. But they’re not. They will stand by their sins. They will stand by their mistakes. They will forever hold on to their materialistic things. They will allow the world to think that I am mentally unstable. When really the reality is that they are. They will never be who they say they are because they never were those people.

He is the man who locked me in the room for hours With my brother while he molested my sister. He is the man who took turns with us while my brother was locked in his room ..it probably felt like days for him.

Arthur cared more about sex, more about being a baby fucker than he did about the fact that I was hungry. He would molest us over and over and over again sometimes all day long. Some of Those times I hadn’t even eaten a sandwich. My body, my underdeveloped body was more important to him than anything else. And now his reputation is more important to him than anything else. He was never going to turn himself in. He was never going to tell the truth. He was never going to the police station with good intentions. He went there To make me out to be a crazy schizophrenic when reality was I was just a damaged child.

And Now I am repairing that damage.

Love Ally

Entry #39

Dear Reader,

I forced myself out of the house today. And I went to a MOPS meeting. And I spent the whole time trying not to cry because my everyday life is so intense. I kept doing everything this morning with the mindset of just in case. I got dressed just in case. I got the kids dressed just in case. I brushed my hair just in case i decided to go. And I went. And then i talked to people just in case they could help get my mind of things. And all while I was doing that.

My mother in law was trying to have a normalish day at the dentist. I say normalish because every single day we really are living in this fucking nightmare but we try to do the best we can to take it day by day, for all of the kids. And she ran into her. My adoptive mother. And instead of my mother addressing the situation with a “hello im sorry for what you are going through” she ran. Obviously because she knows Heather knows the truth and that shes a coward. Which is a good thing because Im sure she didn’t want to hear what my MIL had to say. But my point is. We shouldnt be running into them.

What sucks is a very very small part of me feels bad for My mom. But at the same time. She still doesnt care about me. She still isnt trying to help.

Back in 2017. When I was pregnant with my first son. My sister was crying out for help. And like an idiot. I ignored her, i denied knowing anything about my father. And as My poor little sister reached out to people and was so damn brave to start telling her story. Instead of support her like I should’ve, I sided with my mom. Who told me “to tell everyone that Laura made it all up to get attention.” And I did..

I chose Angela over my own blood. And I let Laura down. I didnt act like her sister. I wanted to run away from my own problems. I didnt want to face the truth. And sadly. I threw away the relationship she and I had to keep my mother in my life.

Anyways in 2017 November I was having a baby shower at Angelas house. I did not invite my biological Aunt because Laura had told her about the abuse amd at the time I was afraid shed ask me about it.

I openly spoke about this to my mom. And although the things I say of maria I feel bad for now, at the time I was really afraid of people knowing about Guy.

Below is a conversation my mom and I had regarding my biological Aunt and the shower. As well as the fact that laura had had a conversation about Guy.

This next message below will really strike a nerve for some of you. As it does me because I casually said yea true i could just say she lies all the time.

I dont know how much proof anyone needs! But this response stood out to me because Guy and Angela put on there response to my restraining order and claims of abuse with “Growing up Ally lied all of the time. She called the police in 2008 because she said someone was breaking in to the house. She lied alot growing up, shes lying now for attention”

And now I know how my poor sister felt. Now I know. Because Im in the same boat. They made her out to be crazy. And they are trying to do the same to me. Except I now know I am not crazy. And they feel threatened dont they?

Love Ally

Entry #38

Dear Reader,

February 20th 2022 was an eye opening day for me. My morning started out with me trying to figure out how to message Angela about what I was remembering. Its important to realize that at this time I thought she cared about me and I wanted her help to get through these memories.

I feel pathetic reading back at how much I was begging for her sympathy. I just thought she loved me and my kids more then anything or anyone else in the world..

I knew this was going to happen. My therapist had told me that our brain can tend to store memories in our mind that we dont want to remember to cope with the trauma. Its a natural defense mechanism in the human mind. I just thought when I started having all my memories that I would be able to talk to them about it. But that wasnt the case.

I was petrified. I was numb and my body felt so weak. So I messaged my mom that I was remembering everything. I expected her to call me. To talk to me. To tell me she loved me and she was sorry and that they would explain everything. But she didnt. So I went there that night. I went there and I begged them for an explanation. They just kept saying “Dad was tempted. He doesnt struggle with those attractions anymore” and i said “but he was attracted to children how does that just stop?!”

My mom? Hardly said a word. It was a surreal moment for me. So because my dad had always Swore hed turn himself in for me. I asked him to that night. And after a heated fight of him telling me he didnt need to do that to come to terms with what hed done wrong, that God had already forgiven him. He finally agreed to go. Below is a screenshot of my mom letting me know that he was taking to the sheriff department as they were in a different vehicle. Angela was driving, and Guy was in the passenger seat.

Now why, would an innocent man drive himself to the sheriffs office to turn himself in? He wouldn’t. And In that moment i thought he really was the changed man he claimed to be. I really believed him….

And then. He asked for a lawyer. And my heart and mind went silent. With an ache like Id never felt before. It was in that moment that everything I thought I knew started crumbling beneath me.

I begged Angela. Like a homeless man begging for money. Like a child begging for someone to love them. Like a child screaming begging for someone to hear them. I begged her. To leave him. To stand by me. To show me she cared.

I tried everything. I tried Bible verses, I tried relating to them personally because she raised me in a way that I thought it was the only way she’d understand. And because she kept choosing him. I spiraled into a deep dark hole of emotions. I felt abandoned. I felt betrayed. I couldn’t understand why she encouraged me to tell the truth if she was going to shun me. I was broken. And i felt like i was broken beyond repair.

I have never been so close to committing suicide as I was that week. That week I didnt trust myself not to end my life. Because living in it felt worse then the idea of leaving it.

So I got help. On my own. For my kids I got help. And she pretended to care. She kept her act of “I just want you to be healthy” and it confused me. And I kept convincing myself that she was not treating me this way because she was a cold hearted person. Surely.. surely she loved me.

As time went on I realized the emptiness I was feeling was an emptiness I felt my whole life. I always begged them to love me. I always wanted to be good enough to them that I calculated my every move. Every day. As a mom, as a daughter and as a friend.

As the months went by everything started to make sense. I started to realize she never cared. She was a cold heartless poor excuse for a mother. Because she believed protecting a pedophile was more important then anything else. Noone must know shes married to a child molester. And that she chose to stay. She wasnt forced. She wasnt ever in any danger. She knew what he was doing to us all along. And she allowed it. My husband asked her that night at the police station if she adopted us for him. And she didn’t say no.

And as time went on And my kids voices became louder to me. I realized what a pitty it was that she raised me. That she groomed me to accept the abuse everyday. And that even as an adult she continued to groom me. To convince me that life wasnt that bad.

But I have a message for them. I am no longer being manipulated by them. I have my own voice. I just want answers. And I hold the power to tell my own story. So every day I will be posting a piece of that story. With an explanation for all of you to read, so that you can be along side me in my journey to healing.

Love Ally

Entry #36

Dear Reader,

Its this constant internal battle with myself. The part of me that loves, adores and misses my adoptive parents. And the part of me that knows they did wrong. That knows what happened nearly every day of my first 14 years of life was abuse. That knows they dont actually care about me.

I am fighting myself nearly every day not to think about things. I am trying to close off the part of my mind that is still living in this torture. But last night. I had flashbacks and nightmares all night. I hardly slept. And when I did it was like i was in hell. Its a miserable never ending rollercoaster of emotions. I miss my innocence. I never got to feel that innocence. Because that purity of me was taken advantage of before I even had a chance to have a mind of my own. I never got to experience having my own thoughts without thinking my mom could hear them. So she controlled all of my thoughts. And I fought with myself every day convincing myself that life wasnt that bad. I convinced my self so hard I actually believed it.

And then its like now I am doing the opposite. Im having to say to myself no yours life was bad, that was bad, that was pure hell. When he put his tongue on you it was because he was digusting not because you wanted him to. And it pisses me off that this is actually how my mind thinks. I still sometimes blame myself, for the abuse I endured.

If only…..If only I had of told someone….If only I had of fought harder. If only had of questioned his actions harder. Maybe I didnt tell anyone because I wanted it. Maybe hes right. But I cant think like that because I was a child. It should be if only They had of seen me. If only that person who saw my insecurities and felt something was off had of reported that. If only my teacher who felt I wet my pants too many times at school had of reported that. If only my family that felt something was off had of asked me questions when I was at there house. If only..the adults in my situation had of realized I was a CHILD. AND REPORTED EVERYTHING THAT MADE THEM UNCOMFORTABLE.

But they didnt. They didnt. So I can’t blame the child in this situatuon. It wasnt my job to know.

But they know now. So will they report him?

The world..will one day know.

Love Ally