Entry #45

Dear Reader,

As I danced around my living room today, with my daughter. I felt an overwhelming amount of love, joy and even sorrow.

Love. I love her eyes. The way they stare back into mine. I love how she opens her mouth really wide like a yawn when shes happy. I love the way she coos with excitement as I twirl her around the living room rug. I just love her. And every ounce of my brain, my heart and my mind wants to protect her. Its my motherly instinct.

Joy. Joy that she will never have to feel the pain that I feel. Or that her brothers feel. She wont even know them. She wont have to miss them, or wonder if she is going to see them again. She will never have to wonder. She will never have to feel pain like I did. Because I will always be her voice.

Sorrow. Sorrow that My daughter will only have one set of grandparents. Sorrow that every mothers day from now on when the kids ask me who my mom is, Ill say I don’t have one. Sorrow that there are actually children that are experiencing sexual abuse right in this same moment. I feel sick to my stomach that there are actually predators out there who think sexually about babies this little.

You hear of it. But you don’t actually want to know about it. You want to say you never knew anyone who was sexually abused as a child. But chances are you do. Chances are they just havent had the strength to tell you. Chances are you may even currently know a child, who is still a child who is being abused. And thats just the harsh reality.

And another harsh reality is that our judical system is set up to protect the pedophile. Because they have rights. In a situation like this. It almost feels like they have more rights then the child. I feel as though most reports aren’t taken seriously. Child predators usually start out by exposing themselves or peeping in windows. They dont normally just straight up start touching a child. They work up to that. If they get away with one offens, they will try another, amd another and another. They will push there limits to see how much they can get away with.

And that is where society did me wrong. Where the court system did me wrong. Where the cps did me wrong. Reports as “small” as someone exposing themselves in public should be taken seriously. And there should be a much harsher penalty for those types of offenders. It never should have gotten to where it did.

He never should have been able to violate me. He never should have been able to break me. He never should have been able to hurt me. He never should have been able to love me or know me.

That life I had it wasn’t love. I was robbed of knowing unconditional love as a child. And I will never get that back.

And that is the harsh reality.

But again, for me, I rejoice throughout the day because my three children are safe with me. I laugh at there jokes, at there personalities and there fits. And then at the end of the day I Weep for them. Because they should never have to feel my pain. They should never have to know my struggles right now. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, so that they dont have to. Because THATS LOVE.

Because thats my job as a parent. Noone did that for me. But I sure has hell will do it for my babies.

Love Ally