Entry #38

Dear Reader,

February 20th 2022 was an eye opening day for me. My morning started out with me trying to figure out how to message Angela about what I was remembering. Its important to realize that at this time I thought she cared about me and I wanted her help to get through these memories.

I feel pathetic reading back at how much I was begging for her sympathy. I just thought she loved me and my kids more then anything or anyone else in the world..

I knew this was going to happen. My therapist had told me that our brain can tend to store memories in our mind that we dont want to remember to cope with the trauma. Its a natural defense mechanism in the human mind. I just thought when I started having all my memories that I would be able to talk to them about it. But that wasnt the case.

I was petrified. I was numb and my body felt so weak. So I messaged my mom that I was remembering everything. I expected her to call me. To talk to me. To tell me she loved me and she was sorry and that they would explain everything. But she didnt. So I went there that night. I went there and I begged them for an explanation. They just kept saying “Dad was tempted. He doesnt struggle with those attractions anymore” and i said “but he was attracted to children how does that just stop?!”

My mom? Hardly said a word. It was a surreal moment for me. So because my dad had always Swore hed turn himself in for me. I asked him to that night. And after a heated fight of him telling me he didnt need to do that to come to terms with what hed done wrong, that God had already forgiven him. He finally agreed to go. Below is a screenshot of my mom letting me know that he was taking to the sheriff department as they were in a different vehicle. Angela was driving, and Guy was in the passenger seat.

Now why, would an innocent man drive himself to the sheriffs office to turn himself in? He wouldn’t. And In that moment i thought he really was the changed man he claimed to be. I really believed him….

And then. He asked for a lawyer. And my heart and mind went silent. With an ache like Id never felt before. It was in that moment that everything I thought I knew started crumbling beneath me.

I begged Angela. Like a homeless man begging for money. Like a child begging for someone to love them. Like a child screaming begging for someone to hear them. I begged her. To leave him. To stand by me. To show me she cared.

I tried everything. I tried Bible verses, I tried relating to them personally because she raised me in a way that I thought it was the only way she’d understand. And because she kept choosing him. I spiraled into a deep dark hole of emotions. I felt abandoned. I felt betrayed. I couldn’t understand why she encouraged me to tell the truth if she was going to shun me. I was broken. And i felt like i was broken beyond repair.

I have never been so close to committing suicide as I was that week. That week I didnt trust myself not to end my life. Because living in it felt worse then the idea of leaving it.

So I got help. On my own. For my kids I got help. And she pretended to care. She kept her act of “I just want you to be healthy” and it confused me. And I kept convincing myself that she was not treating me this way because she was a cold hearted person. Surely.. surely she loved me.

As time went on I realized the emptiness I was feeling was an emptiness I felt my whole life. I always begged them to love me. I always wanted to be good enough to them that I calculated my every move. Every day. As a mom, as a daughter and as a friend.

As the months went by everything started to make sense. I started to realize she never cared. She was a cold heartless poor excuse for a mother. Because she believed protecting a pedophile was more important then anything else. Noone must know shes married to a child molester. And that she chose to stay. She wasnt forced. She wasnt ever in any danger. She knew what he was doing to us all along. And she allowed it. My husband asked her that night at the police station if she adopted us for him. And she didn’t say no.

And as time went on And my kids voices became louder to me. I realized what a pitty it was that she raised me. That she groomed me to accept the abuse everyday. And that even as an adult she continued to groom me. To convince me that life wasnt that bad.

But I have a message for them. I am no longer being manipulated by them. I have my own voice. I just want answers. And I hold the power to tell my own story. So every day I will be posting a piece of that story. With an explanation for all of you to read, so that you can be along side me in my journey to healing.

Love Ally