Entry #36

Dear Reader,

Its this constant internal battle with myself. The part of me that loves, adores and misses my adoptive parents. And the part of me that knows they did wrong. That knows what happened nearly every day of my first 14 years of life was abuse. That knows they dont actually care about me.

I am fighting myself nearly every day not to think about things. I am trying to close off the part of my mind that is still living in this torture. But last night. I had flashbacks and nightmares all night. I hardly slept. And when I did it was like i was in hell. Its a miserable never ending rollercoaster of emotions. I miss my innocence. I never got to feel that innocence. Because that purity of me was taken advantage of before I even had a chance to have a mind of my own. I never got to experience having my own thoughts without thinking my mom could hear them. So she controlled all of my thoughts. And I fought with myself every day convincing myself that life wasnt that bad. I convinced my self so hard I actually believed it.

And then its like now I am doing the opposite. Im having to say to myself no yours life was bad, that was bad, that was pure hell. When he put his tongue on you it was because he was digusting not because you wanted him to. And it pisses me off that this is actually how my mind thinks. I still sometimes blame myself, for the abuse I endured.

If only…..If only I had of told someone….If only I had of fought harder. If only had of questioned his actions harder. Maybe I didnt tell anyone because I wanted it. Maybe hes right. But I cant think like that because I was a child. It should be if only They had of seen me. If only that person who saw my insecurities and felt something was off had of reported that. If only my teacher who felt I wet my pants too many times at school had of reported that. If only my family that felt something was off had of asked me questions when I was at there house. If only..the adults in my situation had of realized I was a CHILD. AND REPORTED EVERYTHING THAT MADE THEM UNCOMFORTABLE.

But they didnt. They didnt. So I can’t blame the child in this situatuon. It wasnt my job to know.

But they know now. So will they report him?

The world..will one day know.

Love Ally