Dear Reader, Love Ally

Entry #25

Dear Reader,

Today. I tried to only think about my children. I found myself caught up in the past only a few times today.. for a few minutes.

And honestly. Its the first good day Ive had in a while. I want to keep todays mindset as possitive as possible as My day comes to an end.

It wont be like this forever. Todays mindset will be my everyday mindset. Soon. Right now. It feels like my whole world is upside down. But I know that it can feel like today. All of the time.

Im finally starting to feel like myself again. The griefe of loosing my parents is lightening up. Im no longer fighting myself on how can it be? And I just know now that it just was.

Healing, for my whole family. Is just around the corner.

Love Ally

A childs mind is fascinating. I look at my boys and realize how full of wonder they are. I want them to experience nothing but good. I want to protect there innocence and teach them how to love themselves.

I didnt love myself. I didnt have any self respect for myself because I always saw my body as already used. My brain unfortunately was raised in a way, that I didnt know how to protect myself from unwanted attention, except by just avoiding the conflict altogether. To do that, I let so many people disrespectful me .

I was in bad relationships, both physically and emotionally with friends and boyfriends. I didn’t want to be raped so I just put out because thats all I knew how to do…

I didn’t know love. I really didn’t. I forced myself to feel for so long because I knew that If I truely felt anything. I could get hurt.

So I walked through life with my wmotions turned off. I got married and I knew that I loved my husband but I couldn’t completely open myself up to him. I didnt know how. I had children and I knew I loved them but something felt off.

Life is so much better with love. I love myself. I love my babies. I love my husband and I even have room in my heart to love my friends as well. I am able to be completely open and vulnerable because Im not afraid of the Truth anymore.

If I could talk to myself as a child I would tell her she did everything the only way she knew how. That it wasnt ever her fault. And all those relationships that she built that were destroying her. Made her a stronger person today.

That little girl is now a mama bear. She would do anything to protect her children. She experienced hell so that,now, they dont have to anymore. Because mommy made it. That little girl who was so scared to tell the truth is standing on top of the world right now saying.

My Name Is Ally Porter. And I Am a childhood sexual abuse survivor. And my parents did not Strip me of my dignity because I have so much dignity left. And I am not backing down.

Love Ally

Entry #23

Dear Reader,

I spent most of my life thinking something was wrong with me. I had a hard time focusing on things. I couldn’t hardly clean my room as a teenager. And found myself overwhelmed with daily chores in my adult life.

I always assumed maybe I was lazy. But it wasn’t that at all. I had no motivation to do anything! I moved into my home in December 2017. I didnt have but a few pictures up on my walls. I was so depressed and afraid of failing as a mother that its all I thought about. Every day. My room walls were bare. I always felt surrounded by these walls. My house felt like it was closing in on me. And it was not until December of 2021 that I actually Decorated my room.

I never felt at home. I never felt safe, or happy or motivated to make my house look more like a home. I absolutely hated almost every minute living in it for 4 years.

Why? Because I didnt want to get attached. I spent my life moving around constantly. Not just because My Dad was in the military. We moved into a new house almost every single year. Even if we were living in the same town. We constantly moved. Nowhere ever felt safe. I felt like as soon as I started to feel comfortable we were packing up and moving again for some reason. It effected my mental health.

I was so Afraid to feel safe in my own home because It made me feel vulnerable. And I didnt used to like being vulnerable. I didnt want anyone not even my best friends to see me vulnerable. I didnt want to give anyone the opportunity to be able to hurt me. I didnt want anyone to truely love me because how could anyone love me? I spent my life as a child thinking my Dad loved me too much. And that it was my fault and I must’ve attracted him in some way.

Now I realize how messed up this viewpoint was. Because who the hell convinces a child that they are the one who tempted the abuser?

No. Seriously. My mother used to say “you and your sister came to us with demons attached to you.” My mom seriously convinced me. That somehow I, as a child, was too tempting for my dad.

One thing I specifically remember is when my dad was on tour in Iraq. And I told my mom that he was still abusing me and my sister. And she sat down and said she’d talk to my father. She tucked me in that night. And in my little child voice I asked “Mom? How can He claim to Love God and do those things to us?” And you know what she said? To me? She said “I dont know. Youll have to ask him when he gets home”

That same day. My mom knew she was going to let him come home. She was never ever going to take me away. And she was going to make me ask my father why he would do this.

Today I am so upset because as I look at my house now. With pictures of my family up on the walls. I am so greatful that I didnt put any pictures of them on my walls.

I was making myself feel safe and secure without them and I didn’t even know it at the time. I was already preparing myself for this. Because deep down. In my childhood heart I knew my mother was never going to help me. And as an adult I didnt want to believe that. I didnt want to believe that my mother, who was supposed to protect me, willingly didn’t. And she convinced me she had no other choice.

Mathew 19:14

Jesus said , Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kindom of heaven belongs to such as these.

Father God I may not be a child now. But I am always a child of the King and I am coming to you now. Lord deliver me out of this darkness and bring me To You.

Love Ally

Entry #22

Dear Reader,

Something that I learned today is that my abusers are not sorry for what they did to me all. My whole life they tried to convince me that they were so sorry and they were changed people and that’s why I never came forward about anything.

They Promised me that if they ever needed to come forward that they would. But obviously here I am, in the middle of a court case, and instead of apologizing and admitting to what they have done to me they are denying all accusations. Accusations that they know are true.

My abusers have always used religion against me. So when I decided to tell my truth I told them, That this was the right thing to do because this is what God would want me to do. I was basing my decision off of the scripture itself. Real christians would understand what I meant by that. And instead of them understanding (the proof is in the pudding) they are saying that I am crazy. Therefore do they really believe in God? I guess only HE knows right?

Religion from the point of view THEY taught me is that they do not believe in the word of God. Religion was just the cloke to cover the fact that they are a cult. A cult that likes molesting little children. Absolutely disgusting.

And they trained my brain so well. That I actually thought it was okay to have a relationship with the people who abused me. I can not wait to look at my memories as a child and be able to love myself. Even then. I know the fact that I am doing all of this doesnt make sense to some people. But The Day they are declared guilty is the day I get to start healing.

Love Ally

Entry #21

Dear Reader,

I debated on whether or not to stop in and say anything today. My mind really has been all over the place. And I cant seem to find the words to express what I have been feeling. But I felt compelled to come on here anyways and just say.

HE IS RISEN!!

1 Peter 1:3

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.

I wasn’t ready to see any of my church family today. I wasn’t ready for people to ask me how I was doing because today isnt just about me. Its about Worshipping Jesus. And Celebrating the great Gift He has given us! Eternal life. And In Him I am a new creation. He has given me the strength to fight this battle. And I feel His live all around me.

Happy Easter. I hope You Felt the Love of Jesus Today!

Love Ally

Entry #20

Dear Reader,

I can not help but hope that my grandparents are sitting at home right now absorbing everything I said. In absolute awe of the fact that there son was right and there daughter was manipulating them, just like she was manipulating me. I can only hope right? For some big happy family reunion where we all come out of this dark secret we were living in?

But the other case scenerio is that they knew. The whole time. And instead of admit to there daughters manipulation, they will stand by her. To the end. To protect themselves.

My life seems like a fictional book you dive your mind into to escape your perfect world. Except I am in the book. The book is my life and I cant escape from it. I have to live it out. I have to hope that all of this pain amd hurt I am experiencing now. Results in a joyful day. A joyful day when justice is served and I realize that all of this wasnt for nothing.

God is giving me the strength to keep fighting. And I will go down kicking and screaming before I EVER stop telling my truth.

Love Ally

Entry #19

Dear Reader,

I talked to my grandparents today… I went to there house expecting them to be open ears and extend there arms to me telling me they were so sorry what was happening to me.

I thought they would be shocked by what they were hearing about my dad and my mom, there daughter. But They seemed unemotional.

I wish I could say it ended in conversation that they believed me. And wanted to help me. But they didnt. They shut me down. They didnt believe me. My Papa….who I always trusted so much. The one who taught me how to drive a tractor. The one who always knew the answer to anything. The man who on thanks giving talked my ear off about the lakes. And I loved every minute of it. I loved how compassionate he was about conversations.

But today. Today that man told me to leave. Today that man looked me in the eyes and told me what happened is none of his concern. That man decided I didnt matter today. I feel as though he has died. And I am sad.

My Grandma…. I dont even know what to say. I always valued her opinion. I always wanted to look really good to her. And I of course loved her too. But today. Today she kept telling me to “stop it” to shut up. To stop talking. Today she said she didnt want to hear what I had to say. Today she felt like the memory of her died as well.

I am in disbelief. Everyone in my life who i looked up to so wholeheartedly as a child. Ended up being the ones who wont stand by me. And the people who i thought didnt care. Are the ones who do.

This world Im living in is real. And I wish it wasnt. Because imagine, the only good memories I held on to were my grandparents. And they too have turned there back on me.

It feels pretty empty to loose this much family. But I guess. They were never really my family in the first place. Because families dont hold on to a secret like this.

I have nothing else to say for the night.

Love Ally

Entry #18

Dear Readers,

I feel the need to express something to everyone.

Please. Please tell someone outside your family about the abuse thats happening to you. Because as a child. My mom took me to confront my dad everytime I told her he did something to me. Or to my sister. She would make me ask him And he would deny it and she would say “see you are lying. Shame on you. God says not to lie” and she would take me to my room. Pull down my pants and tell her to never come to her with assumptions.

And she did it EVERYTIME. THATS why i didnt tell the police in el paso. Because in my head as a teenager i thought theyd make me ask him to his face. Hed deny it then i would go home and mom would know.

Then she would take me home. And spank me. And then a part of me felt like she would call my grandma and tell her what a lier I was. And SHE would spank me too.

Because my mom used to spank me in front of her parents.

So Please. If you feel unsafe in your family or you have questions. Tell your teacher. Or your friends mom. And if they cant help you then you tell another friends mom or the busdriver at school, or the man scanning your gum across the barcode at a gas station.

Tell them. Because I told my mom. And she didnt help me.

I was so groomed to believe the cops would make me ask my dad to his face what He did to me. And so I never told. But you dont ever deserve to have to ask your abusers what they did to you. Especially as a child. So dont stop telling people.

Because right now i would not ask my adopted father if he abused me I would tell him he did.

And I would not ask My adopted mother why she abused me. Because I do not care why. I would Tell Her What She Did.

Love Ally

Entry #17

Dear Readers,

Well I went to court today and exactly what I thought would happen happened. My adopted father used a memory that he had of me calling the police because I thought someone was breaking into the house and I had been left home alone. I had been left home alone as a child and I was scared. He used this as an example the example of the many times I’ve “lied” as a child. First of all I just want to say I did not lie I was a child and I really thought someone was breaking into the house. But either way why would you take a moment where an innocent child make some mistake? If that’s what we want to call it. And use it against her?I guess that was his best defense.

Was to say That this child Who is so insecure about herself self and never felt safe anywhere called the police. The people that teachers at school said was safe.

My heart breaks today as I write this because even though I realized who who he was before today. It was proven to me on paper as well as in person. When he decided To prove that he never truly loved me. That all of this was a game.

I feel so angry at the person I called my mother for so long because not only did she not show up today. But I am starting to realize how many times in my life that she did not show up for me. She did not protect me. I was a pawn in their game. A Pawn to get to innocent children. I was there ticket To abuse.

And for as long as they walk this Earth free Running from the prison time they deserve. They will continue to abuse. Children, someones brother or sister, friends and their family. They are taking this to the bitter end! And I’m not stopping! I will not back down until Justice has been served. When I hear the jury say that they have been found guilty The damage my heart feels will then begin to heal.

Isaiah 56:1

“This is what the Lord says: “Maintain justice and do what is right, for my salvation is close at hand and my righteousness will soon be revealed.

Amen

Love Ally

Entry #16

Dear Reader,

I talk about my mom alot. Because what happened to me with my Dad wasnt a big shock. I guess in the back of my mind I had always hoped hed changed. But A part of me wasn’t sure if he could. I trusted my mom. And she ended up being just as at fault for everything. And that was a shock.

Im saying this because today I do want to talk about my adoptive dad…

He was funny. He could make me laugh so hard Id forget all the dangers. I thought he loved me more then anyone else… I knew he abused me but he made me believe it was an accident. He made me believe that he was sorry.

I really truely 100 percent believed that if I told him to turn himself in...that he would. I never doubted that. Thats why february twentieth was a massive kick to my face. Its why my heart shattered. Everything fell so fast from here.

When he asked for a lawyer. And didn’t tell the truth. My whole world flipped upside down. If hed been lying the whole time about telling the truth for me… then what out of everything he taught me was backwards to?

I have court tomorrow. And this huge part of me hopes my dad caves in and just tells the truth. But the other part of me knows he wont. I know I won’t be brought to tears by his honesty. Instead he will fight me, the whole way. He will do everything he can to tear me apart. Because everything he convinced me he wouldnt do….is what he is doing now.

Tomorrow lies the truth of who he is. Whether he is honest. Or if he lies. The truth will be told to me either way. Please Stop and say a prayer for me at 8:30am.

Love Ally