Entry #24

Dear Reader,

A childs mind is fascinating. I look at my boys and realize how full of wonder they are. I want them to experience nothing but good. I want to protect there innocence and teach them how to love themselves.

I didnt love myself. I didnt have any self respect for myself because I always saw my body as already used. My brain unfortunately was raised in a way, that I didnt know how to protect myself from unwanted attention, except by just avoiding the conflict altogether. To do that, I let so many people disrespectful me .

I was in bad relationships, both physically and emotionally with friends and boyfriends. I didn’t want to be raped so I just put out because thats all I knew how to do…

I didn’t know love. I really didn’t. I forced myself to feel for so long because I knew that If I truely felt anything. I could get hurt.

So I walked through life with my wmotions turned off. I got married and I knew that I loved my husband but I couldn’t completely open myself up to him. I didnt know how. I had children and I knew I loved them but something felt off.

Life is so much better with love. I love myself. I love my babies. I love my husband and I even have room in my heart to love my friends as well. I am able to be completely open and vulnerable because Im not afraid of the Truth anymore.

If I could talk to myself as a child I would tell her she did everything the only way she knew how. That it wasnt ever her fault. And all those relationships that she built that were destroying her. Made her a stronger person today.

That little girl is now a mama bear. She would do anything to protect her children. She experienced hell so that,now, they dont have to anymore. Because mommy made it. That little girl who was so scared to tell the truth is standing on top of the world right now saying.

My Name Is Ally Porter. And I Am a childhood sexual abuse survivor. And my parents did not Strip me of my dignity because I have so much dignity left. And I am not backing down.

Love Ally