Entry #23

Dear Reader,

I spent most of my life thinking something was wrong with me. I had a hard time focusing on things. I couldn’t hardly clean my room as a teenager. And found myself overwhelmed with daily chores in my adult life.

I always assumed maybe I was lazy. But it wasn’t that at all. I had no motivation to do anything! I moved into my home in December 2017. I didnt have but a few pictures up on my walls. I was so depressed and afraid of failing as a mother that its all I thought about. Every day. My room walls were bare. I always felt surrounded by these walls. My house felt like it was closing in on me. And it was not until December of 2021 that I actually Decorated my room.

I never felt at home. I never felt safe, or happy or motivated to make my house look more like a home. I absolutely hated almost every minute living in it for 4 years.

Why? Because I didnt want to get attached. I spent my life moving around constantly. Not just because My Dad was in the military. We moved into a new house almost every single year. Even if we were living in the same town. We constantly moved. Nowhere ever felt safe. I felt like as soon as I started to feel comfortable we were packing up and moving again for some reason. It effected my mental health.

I was so Afraid to feel safe in my own home because It made me feel vulnerable. And I didnt used to like being vulnerable. I didnt want anyone not even my best friends to see me vulnerable. I didnt want to give anyone the opportunity to be able to hurt me. I didnt want anyone to truely love me because how could anyone love me? I spent my life as a child thinking my Dad loved me too much. And that it was my fault and I must’ve attracted him in some way.

Now I realize how messed up this viewpoint was. Because who the hell convinces a child that they are the one who tempted the abuser?

No. Seriously. My mother used to say “you and your sister came to us with demons attached to you.” My mom seriously convinced me. That somehow I, as a child, was too tempting for my dad.

One thing I specifically remember is when my dad was on tour in Iraq. And I told my mom that he was still abusing me and my sister. And she sat down and said she’d talk to my father. She tucked me in that night. And in my little child voice I asked “Mom? How can He claim to Love God and do those things to us?” And you know what she said? To me? She said “I dont know. Youll have to ask him when he gets home”

That same day. My mom knew she was going to let him come home. She was never ever going to take me away. And she was going to make me ask my father why he would do this.

Today I am so upset because as I look at my house now. With pictures of my family up on the walls. I am so greatful that I didnt put any pictures of them on my walls.

I was making myself feel safe and secure without them and I didn’t even know it at the time. I was already preparing myself for this. Because deep down. In my childhood heart I knew my mother was never going to help me. And as an adult I didnt want to believe that. I didnt want to believe that my mother, who was supposed to protect me, willingly didn’t. And she convinced me she had no other choice.

Mathew 19:14

Jesus said , Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kindom of heaven belongs to such as these.

Father God I may not be a child now. But I am always a child of the King and I am coming to you now. Lord deliver me out of this darkness and bring me To You.

Love Ally