Dear Reader, Love Ally

Entry #15

Dear Readers,

Sometimes I loose my temper. Sometimes I am so afraid of feeling alone or being alone that I can tend to be a bit difficult when my partner wants to go do something alone. Its annoying even for me.

I was never truely open with anyone growing up. I always had this dark secret life that I was afraid of telling anyone about. Sometimes when I am all alone I remember what it felt like to have noone to talk to about it. Even though I am so open about it now. Ive only been open for 2 months! So…when I am by myself I can find myself going back to that time.

Sometimes I forget that Im not there anymore. I am not bound to the lies and manipulation any longer. I can talk to anyone I want. I am not alone. And even when I am its okay. Its so nice having a free mind. But Im not used to it. So sometimes I find it trying to go back to the way it was trained. To be a robot. To care about what other people think, more then my mental health.

I was taught that needing help, meant you were crazy. Telling a doctor you felt depressed meant youd need meds which meant Im crazy. But meds meant freedom from depression. Not pills to “make me crazy” not pills to take away all feeling. They were just pills to make my mind work like it was suppossed to. To break the cycle of the abuse. Pills that brought to light where the depression came from. What and who caused it. And how to get rid of that burden in my life.

If only I knew that sooner. I know its going to take time to teach my mind that I am okay. I am well.

Love Ally

Entry #14

Dear Readers,

You know whats crazy? I think that some really bad people actually convince themselves that they are good. That they are right. Its an insane cycle to even think about.

How in the world can someone who sexually, emotionally and physically abused you, actually think that them convincing the whole family and all there friends that there daughter is crazy is the right thing to do? Like what in the?! I can not even conprehend it. They know what they did. And in my mind I keep thinking things like are they actually convinced that im the bad guy in this situation? Or is it all an act? Do they literally put on an act all day long to every person they encounter? And then laugh behind closed doors? Or do they actually believe that there behavior is okay?

Do they go to church on sunday mornings like they did when I was a kid? Do they go there and weep and cry and say there daughter has lost her mind? Or are they at home? Hiding from the Truth? Honestly if you asked me. Id rather them be at home Hiding from the truth then actively going out and making fools of themselves by saying I made all this up from some lucid dream.

Noone and i mean it when i say noone-lies about childhood sexual abuse. Amd no child can make up that kind of abuse either. The human mind doesnt work that way. We arent naturally sexual beings until we hit puberty. If your kids are showing an over interest in other kids private parts, or even an over curiosity about there own then something is wrong. A childs mind is pure. Innocently asking questions about there own body is normal. But you probably know exactly what is abnormal when it comes to this topic. Kids dont lie. Protect our children. Because there are people out there, like my parents for example. That are actually professional manipulators and will have other people convinced you “coached your child.”

Stand by your babies readers. Even if they arent yours, stand by your friends children. No innocent minded little child of God lies about this kind of thing.

I cry out! Lord please open the eyes of those who still believe the accussed. Lord open there hearts and there minds, that they might believe your children!

Love Ally

Entry #13

Dear Readers,

Sorry todays post is so late. Its been a day. I tried really hard to have a good day today. And I did Today was good. But my anxiety was really hovering over me ever since I saw my abusers yesterday. My husband actually had to remind me that that was just yesterday.

Because today felt like a year. Every moment felt like an hour. Ever hour felt like a day, etcetera etcetera. Thats how much power they had over me. They had so much power over me that even while having a really good day. They linger. Like hawks waiting for his prey to run across a field. I was there prey. They just watched me run across the field. But they usually called me back about half way. This time they didnt. And i made it all the way across the field.

They Cant call me back anymore because that little mouse made it into the safety net of bushes. Or in my case God. I used to hear there voices calling for me to come back. But now i hear silence on that part of my brain.

Never ever back out of your bravery. The anxiety may feel like a bitter cold nipping at your feet. But that feeling its temporary. And you will over come and you wont regret it. Just breathe.

Love Ally

Entry #12

Dear Reader,

The crazy thing about living in a world without the abusers who raised you. Is that you think you feel this lingering cloud of them all around you. But you just think you do. Until you see them and you THEN FEEL THEM. You’re slapped in the face with the reality that they do in fact still exist in your world without them.

I say this because I Ran into them. Today. I was parked at the bottom of the street where they live. They werent home and I was picking up my brother to spend the day with him. He was going to walk down there long gravel road to my car. They werent suppossed to be home.

Welp. They pulled up to the end of the street and I was face to face with both of them. They were headed home already, from wherever they went. I have never felt my body go so stiff as it did in that moment. When I saw them it was like a shock to my reality. I havent seen them since I started trying to get them to turn themselves in. Ive talked to my mom a bit on the phone up until march but Ive never actually seen her face to face since I figured out the truth.

Until I did. Until I did see her.

She didnt look like my mom. She looked like the woman who kidnapped me for 23 years and then allowed me to be sexually abused the whole time. She looked like the woman who wanted to cause harm. She was the woman I pictured in my head since the beginning of everything.

I couldnt believe it. I just couldnt. There she was. In the passenger seat of my adoptive fathers truck. And she pulled out her phone and she took pictures of me. In my car. Waiting for my brother. Doing absolutely nothing wrong.

And then. They called the cops. My abusers called the cops on me for waiting for my brother. What a freaking joke. What a way to show me exactly who theyve always been. I just finally see it. Im finally free of the blinders. Free of what felt like binding me to hell. Free from them. And the hope Ive held on to that Id see them and miss them. Is gone. Because I didnt miss them. I felt sick. I felt scared I felt how Ive felt my entire life except the hope that they were good people…it was gone. It wasnt there. It was empty and I am free.

Yes they exist in this world. As my abusers. And thats all. The part that made me miss my parents. Was finally gone. I cant believe it. I am freed.

Love Ally

Entry #11

Dear Readers,

Im doing something a little different this time. Ive been wondering if the woman I speak of so much. Reads these. Do you think she does? Well just in case. I wrote this very special letter to her.

To the woman who raised me,

What do I call you? What do you prefer? Your first name or the name you told me to call you? Do you think you succeeded in your job as my mother? Or are you realizing you failed? Do you regret your descisions or do you stand by them? Are you lonely? Do you wish you protected me? Do you ever want to just tell the truth? Do you ever miss me and wish you didnt do this to me? Or are you proud of yourself? Because to me. It seems like you are. It seems like you are not sorry for the things you’ve done! It seems as though the words that come from your mouth are not that you know what I am saying true. But that Its all a dream? I Wish this Was all A DREAM. I hope you decide to do what is right. I hope you tell the truth about who you are. I hope you give those around you the answers as to. Why? How could you? What are the real reasons you adopted me? I hope for your sanity I hear it in a statement one day.

Love Ally

Oh! And to my readers! Thank you for letting me open my mind. For giving me a place to truely talk about my feelings. Blogging gives me a place to document what runs through my mind. And I dont know a better person to share my thoughts with. Then with you. …

Now.

Love Ally

Entry #10

Dear Reader,

The last 2 days have been surreal for me. I hung out with my brother. And we tried so hard to keep the conversations as far from our parents as possible. But no matter what we were talking about the memories seemed to fall back on them. It was painful for me. Painful that all of memories that were once good memories for me, are no longer happy memories. There is a darkness that swells above me whenever I think of the people who raised me now.

I couldnt even have a normal conversation. Because nothing has been normal in months. What my parents did. Wasnt normal. What they are still doing, isnt normal. The way they controlled us, even as adults is crazy to think about. I cant comprehend now, how they even successfully did that. How they blinded me to the truth for so long. How was that possible?

How did I see there antics as comforting? How did I see there controlling intentions as love? Gosh. Everything about the last 20 or so years of my life is beyond me. I will probably never get the answers. And i will probably never know why.

The one thing I do know is that I am free. Mostly free. Free in a way that they dont control me any more. But that freedom comes at a price. The price of my sanity on some days. Because I am not used to the freedom of thinking. It is hard not to call my mom, whenever i need advice. I thought I was calling her for my peace of mind. But I was really calling for her. I didnt know how to make my own descisions. So lately I feel pretty angry that everytime I have to make a descision about my mom. For a brief second I want to call her. For a brief second I want to call the woman who controlled my entire life. But I dont. And I never will again. And that, in a wierd way. Hurts..

Love Ally

Entry #9

Dear Reader,

My mind is blown. As I look at my art studio today. I see the pottery wheel placed to the left of the room. Theres a bear sculpture holding a bird in the right back corner. His fur is detailed, and there are wild flowers sculpted around him. Theres pottery bowls to the left on the shelf. A completed hairy tarantula on the shelf as well. And a half made bird with a thick feathery tail. And I made all of this.

My hobby has become a huge part of my life. Ceramics brings me peace. And growing up I always thought becoming a mom or even just an adult ment I wouldn’t get to do ceramics anymore. How would I gind the time? How would I ever be able to do part of what i love when i have kids? The answer. I do it with them. I let them mold there mounds of clay until they poke a thousand holes in it and tell me its a lava rock. I cant help but laugh with them as they seem to enjoy playing with clay just as much as I do. Our most honest and open conversations have been while we are doing ceramics. Whether Im on the wheel or hand building.

Ceramics, if anything, hasnt hindered my relationship with them. Its made it stronger. Its letting them see my creativity as its molded right before there eyes. Its showing them how vulnerable I am when Im molding something. They are my world. And I am so happy Ceramics has given us the opportunity to have real family moments.

Just a random thought. How can your hobby benefit you and your family?

Love Ally

Entry #8

Dear Reader,

Today I had a therapy appt for my boys. We talked about whats been going on and I felt compelled to explain to you all what living in my life right now is like.

It feels like I am living in two different worlds. One where I try to make everything as normal as I possibly can for my kids. And the one where Im doing everything I possibly can to fight for them.

I said yesterday we went to the lake. And thats true. We did. And my kids loved it. That was me trying to make everything seem normal. Then when i got home, we did there regular nighttime routine. I felt this heavy sadness in my mind as I smiled and cuddled them before We tucked them in for the night. Because the day was about to be over, the kids were about to go to bed and I was about to realize that this is only a small part of our reality.

My kids are growing up in a world where there are very sick people. They are innocent and pure and there are people who want to take that from them. I feel so angry. So angry that this is there life. That this can’t consume me because I want them to look back on there life and feel like they were loved every second of it. Because they are. I dont want them to see sad mommy, or hurting mommy, or confused mommy. I want them to see there mom. An open momma who they can talk to whenever they want or need. One who reacts mildly. Takes the time to absorb the situation and what they are saying before giving them advice. I want them to see me as the mom who was living in one world. Not two.

So my mind runs wild after they sleep at night. Because I love them so much and I dont want to ever believe that people in this world could hurt them. But they can and they will. And thats just life. And its my job to protect them when I can, and to teach them to know what to do, when i cant.

Love Ally

Entry #7

Dear Reader,

Its moments like these where I feel like They’ve won. Moments where everything is so silent. And the silence is pain. My husband went to bed tonight, hardly saying a word to me. And I know why and I know its not his fault. Maybe not even mine. But I feel like they won when I can feel all this pain in the emptiness.

Sometimes I dont even know how to cope. Nothing seems to make sense. I took my kids to a a lake today. And As i was watching them play fishing with there sticks, I couldnt help but think about how innocent they are. How beautful and bright and so pure. Here we were having such an innocent happy moment during such a dark time.

My kids didnt notice how hard it was for me today. They didn’t know that every time they made me laugh I was wanting to cry. Because it feels so wrong to feel so happy. To have so many happy moments. Ive always supressed joy or happiness. Really anything that involved me actually feeling open. But they don’t know that. To them. Mommy and Daddy took them to have fun at the lake with friends and they found rocks and cool sticks that looked like bones. And they threw things into the water. To them. Mom was happy. They were happy.

And the unspoken words between my husband and I. Are the guilt and the burdens we feel. At the end of the day. For them.

So they didn’t win. My kids are safe. My kids are, I’ll say it again because I cant say it enough. HAPPY.

Love Ally

Entry #6

Dear Reader,

Today at my MOPS meeting they talked about fear. And it got me thinking. Fear is what prevented me from facing the truth in the first place.

Fear of what people would say about me if they knew what my life was like. Fear of loosing friends. Fear of the unknown. Fear of living a life without the woman I knew as my Mother. FEAR. Such a strong word. We can loose ourselves to fear. I feel like if i wasnt so afraid of my life, so afraid of what God was trying to tell me, then maybe I would have realized the horrors of what my fake it till you make it life was actually like.

You see as a kid I had everything a kid could want. Several Disney land trips, a nintendo ds, all the littlest pet shop toys I wanted and we went camping and quading all the time. In my mind, life wasnt that bad. That was my childhood mind. I thought the sexual abuse going on at home was normal. And to me It was. I didnt know what life was like or even would have been like. Without that part. So looking back. Yes we went to disney land. But I was afraid to not enjoy it. I was afraid to be ungrateful. I was so afraid of the trips being over. What was going to happen when we got home?

I’m still afraid. Afraid of what my kids are going to think of me when they get older. Will they see that Mom tried so hard to fight for them? Or will they see me as the mom who put them in this situation in the first place? If only. If only I had of feared not listening to God. Then maybe. Just maybe. I could have realized who The people who raised me really were.

Sick. Twisted. Vile people with the intentions to hurt. I am Trying my best to not Fear the unknown because it is known to Jesus.

Love Ally