Dear Readers,
Sometimes I loose my temper. Sometimes I am so afraid of feeling alone or being alone that I can tend to be a bit difficult when my partner wants to go do something alone. Its annoying even for me.
I was never truely open with anyone growing up. I always had this dark secret life that I was afraid of telling anyone about. Sometimes when I am all alone I remember what it felt like to have noone to talk to about it. Even though I am so open about it now. Ive only been open for 2 months! So…when I am by myself I can find myself going back to that time.
Sometimes I forget that Im not there anymore. I am not bound to the lies and manipulation any longer. I can talk to anyone I want. I am not alone. And even when I am its okay. Its so nice having a free mind. But Im not used to it. So sometimes I find it trying to go back to the way it was trained. To be a robot. To care about what other people think, more then my mental health.
I was taught that needing help, meant you were crazy. Telling a doctor you felt depressed meant youd need meds which meant Im crazy. But meds meant freedom from depression. Not pills to “make me crazy” not pills to take away all feeling. They were just pills to make my mind work like it was suppossed to. To break the cycle of the abuse. Pills that brought to light where the depression came from. What and who caused it. And how to get rid of that burden in my life.
If only I knew that sooner. I know its going to take time to teach my mind that I am okay. I am well.
Love Ally
Dear Reader, Love Ally 