Dear Reader,

I found out my adoptive father was finally served on April 1st. He probably thought it was an April Fools Joke. I wish all of this was some sick April fools joke. But its not. Its real and he hurt me and my family. The past month waiting for this moment felt like a year. Every single day has felt like a week. Every single day I felt like i was living to get through the day. Like I said in my last blog. Is this finally the first step to healing?

How do you move on from something as horrible as this? My answer is. You dont. You don’t just move on. But that being said. I feel as though I can start to heal. April 14th I have my first Court date. At 8:30 am. The first time in my life that I get to face him and say. He did this to me. He did this to my children. And I feel an extraordinary amount of overwhelming power. Ive spent my life being degraded. Being put down and any time I tried to take back my power, or take control over my life I was immediately shut down without even realizing it.

But today. TODAY. I know I did it. Today I know the pain I am feeling is laughable to them. But to me its pain that puts me in the right direction. I trust that Jesus is paving the path for me. I just need to follow his direction.

Is this real? I guess it is. I guess I finally said, Guy You no longer have power over me. I am no longer afraid to tell the truth about what you’ve done. I hope you find Jesus along the way. I hope He saves you. Crazy. Crazy I can still hope that he is Saved. Crazy I can still feel so much sorrow for someone who hurt me. So badly. Yet the sorrow I feel is also a Joy. A joy. A peace. I bow down at Jesus feet for He is delivering me from the darkest part of my life.

Love Ally

Dear Reader,

Life has a funny way of slapping us in the face sometimes. This weekend Ive felt unproductive. No calling investigators, or trying to get things rolling. Just enjoying my family. Today when i was out riding my horse, I felt this overwhelming peace surrounding me. This is my life. This is me. I thought. Over and over. Almost in disbelief that during such a trying time in my life I felt so happy.

I realized this weekend has been productive. I got to focus on my family. Focus on these moments of self healing with myself. Focus on my kids and making memories with them. We spent time sculpting clay and playing with toys. I was productive in a way that I was fully present. In my kids lives the past couple days.

Its crazy to know that, this is me. That I am actually Ally. Mom of three beautiful children. I love horseback riding, animals and learning more about myself. Although lately I feel like I am living each day just to get through the day. I am realizing that those feelings are only temporary. I was living every day just to get through life before. And these positive feelings about myself and my family. Are permanent. And twenty years from now Ill be looking back at all this as that one year that my faith was shaken and I stood my ground and God pulled me through. He build me to withstand even the strongest earthquakes.

My faith may have been shaken but I am coming out of this stronger. I am coming out of this a woman after Gods own heart. Wow. I hope I live every day in the now. Not the why. Just the now. In Gods timing I am Free.

Love Ally

Dear Reader,

I said In my last blog that I grew up in the church. So you know that means I was raised to Forgive. Let me just say that I do forgive both of my parents. I am not telling my story to be spiteful or get revenge. I am telling my story in hopes that it saves someone reading these.

It is good to forgive. But forgiveness does not mean forgetfulness. It does not mean you have to continue to allow the toxic people you fogave to be actively involved in your life. I made that mistake. My mom said this to me. And I quote.
‘Please to do not be trapped in the narrative of victimhood. You are an overcomer. Witholding forgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for it to affect the other person. The only one Negatively affected is you and your family.’

She was right. But what she was wrong about was that I am not with holding forgiveness. However I do not HAVE to live in paranoia in order to prove I forgave them. I can forgive them because it is God’s Job to Love them and to Judge them. I can forgive them because In my heart I feel people this evil dont even know right from wrong anymore. My mom wants me to believe that in order to prove to her that I have forgiven them that I have to allow them to be present in my kids lives. Thats how they got me. Thats how they had access to my children. Because I believed them. Because I believed forgiveness meant Forgetting.

Learn From Me. Learn From my mistakes. Forgive. But do not Forget the past. Instead Learn from it and use that persons abuse as a tool for possitivity in your own life.

Love Ally ❤️

Dear Reader
I was born In December, 3 Days after Christmas. My childhood wasn’t your average learn to explore at your own rate. It was hard. It was busy. It felt empty. I cant even begin to describe the absense i felt in my life. I didnt know what was missing. I do now. But at the time I felt alone. Like I was living in hell. And I was. Hell on Earth.
You see I grew up in the church. Surrounded by people who loved God and talked of God’s great blessings. I believed in him. I thought I did. I knew he could do Great things. But I didnt understand why he wasnt actively delivering me out of my darkness. At home. I was surrounded by false teachings. I was told not to have sex before marriage, because the Bible said so. And yet my dad was forcing me to watch pornagraphy and do sexual things with him. It confused me. It made me feel like. “What is the point?” So As a teenager I did exactly that. I had “what is the point” sex with every guy i dated. I viewed myself as already damaged. I remember in youth group passing around a rose. They told us to squeeze it and pass it on to the next person. At the end of the line that rose was crumbled up and destroyed. That represented virginity. My virginity. It represented my body. And why i should wait. But I was already a crumbled up rose petal. I was torn, I had holes and I most definitely felt used. I didnt feel like a beautiful fresh rose with wholesome petals. Not even close. So my virginty never mattered. I felt like I never mattered. I know now that I did matter, but its been the wildest journey of my life. Buckle Up Readers, youre about to get to know Me.

Love Ally Porter