Entry #7

Dear Reader,

Its moments like these where I feel like They’ve won. Moments where everything is so silent. And the silence is pain. My husband went to bed tonight, hardly saying a word to me. And I know why and I know its not his fault. Maybe not even mine. But I feel like they won when I can feel all this pain in the emptiness.

Sometimes I dont even know how to cope. Nothing seems to make sense. I took my kids to a a lake today. And As i was watching them play fishing with there sticks, I couldnt help but think about how innocent they are. How beautful and bright and so pure. Here we were having such an innocent happy moment during such a dark time.

My kids didnt notice how hard it was for me today. They didn’t know that every time they made me laugh I was wanting to cry. Because it feels so wrong to feel so happy. To have so many happy moments. Ive always supressed joy or happiness. Really anything that involved me actually feeling open. But they don’t know that. To them. Mommy and Daddy took them to have fun at the lake with friends and they found rocks and cool sticks that looked like bones. And they threw things into the water. To them. Mom was happy. They were happy.

And the unspoken words between my husband and I. Are the guilt and the burdens we feel. At the end of the day. For them.

So they didn’t win. My kids are safe. My kids are, I’ll say it again because I cant say it enough. HAPPY.

Love Ally