Entry #8

Dear Reader,

Today I had a therapy appt for my boys. We talked about whats been going on and I felt compelled to explain to you all what living in my life right now is like.

It feels like I am living in two different worlds. One where I try to make everything as normal as I possibly can for my kids. And the one where Im doing everything I possibly can to fight for them.

I said yesterday we went to the lake. And thats true. We did. And my kids loved it. That was me trying to make everything seem normal. Then when i got home, we did there regular nighttime routine. I felt this heavy sadness in my mind as I smiled and cuddled them before We tucked them in for the night. Because the day was about to be over, the kids were about to go to bed and I was about to realize that this is only a small part of our reality.

My kids are growing up in a world where there are very sick people. They are innocent and pure and there are people who want to take that from them. I feel so angry. So angry that this is there life. That this can’t consume me because I want them to look back on there life and feel like they were loved every second of it. Because they are. I dont want them to see sad mommy, or hurting mommy, or confused mommy. I want them to see there mom. An open momma who they can talk to whenever they want or need. One who reacts mildly. Takes the time to absorb the situation and what they are saying before giving them advice. I want them to see me as the mom who was living in one world. Not two.

So my mind runs wild after they sleep at night. Because I love them so much and I dont want to ever believe that people in this world could hurt them. But they can and they will. And thats just life. And its my job to protect them when I can, and to teach them to know what to do, when i cant.

Love Ally