Entry #6

Dear Reader,

Today at my MOPS meeting they talked about fear. And it got me thinking. Fear is what prevented me from facing the truth in the first place.

Fear of what people would say about me if they knew what my life was like. Fear of loosing friends. Fear of the unknown. Fear of living a life without the woman I knew as my Mother. FEAR. Such a strong word. We can loose ourselves to fear. I feel like if i wasnt so afraid of my life, so afraid of what God was trying to tell me, then maybe I would have realized the horrors of what my fake it till you make it life was actually like.

You see as a kid I had everything a kid could want. Several Disney land trips, a nintendo ds, all the littlest pet shop toys I wanted and we went camping and quading all the time. In my mind, life wasnt that bad. That was my childhood mind. I thought the sexual abuse going on at home was normal. And to me It was. I didnt know what life was like or even would have been like. Without that part. So looking back. Yes we went to disney land. But I was afraid to not enjoy it. I was afraid to be ungrateful. I was so afraid of the trips being over. What was going to happen when we got home?

I’m still afraid. Afraid of what my kids are going to think of me when they get older. Will they see that Mom tried so hard to fight for them? Or will they see me as the mom who put them in this situation in the first place? If only. If only I had of feared not listening to God. Then maybe. Just maybe. I could have realized who The people who raised me really were.

Sick. Twisted. Vile people with the intentions to hurt. I am Trying my best to not Fear the unknown because it is known to Jesus.

Love Ally