Entry #10

Dear Reader,

The last 2 days have been surreal for me. I hung out with my brother. And we tried so hard to keep the conversations as far from our parents as possible. But no matter what we were talking about the memories seemed to fall back on them. It was painful for me. Painful that all of memories that were once good memories for me, are no longer happy memories. There is a darkness that swells above me whenever I think of the people who raised me now.

I couldnt even have a normal conversation. Because nothing has been normal in months. What my parents did. Wasnt normal. What they are still doing, isnt normal. The way they controlled us, even as adults is crazy to think about. I cant comprehend now, how they even successfully did that. How they blinded me to the truth for so long. How was that possible?

How did I see there antics as comforting? How did I see there controlling intentions as love? Gosh. Everything about the last 20 or so years of my life is beyond me. I will probably never get the answers. And i will probably never know why.

The one thing I do know is that I am free. Mostly free. Free in a way that they dont control me any more. But that freedom comes at a price. The price of my sanity on some days. Because I am not used to the freedom of thinking. It is hard not to call my mom, whenever i need advice. I thought I was calling her for my peace of mind. But I was really calling for her. I didnt know how to make my own descisions. So lately I feel pretty angry that everytime I have to make a descision about my mom. For a brief second I want to call her. For a brief second I want to call the woman who controlled my entire life. But I dont. And I never will again. And that, in a wierd way. Hurts..

Love Ally