Entry #12

Dear Reader,

The crazy thing about living in a world without the abusers who raised you. Is that you think you feel this lingering cloud of them all around you. But you just think you do. Until you see them and you THEN FEEL THEM. You’re slapped in the face with the reality that they do in fact still exist in your world without them.

I say this because I Ran into them. Today. I was parked at the bottom of the street where they live. They werent home and I was picking up my brother to spend the day with him. He was going to walk down there long gravel road to my car. They werent suppossed to be home.

Welp. They pulled up to the end of the street and I was face to face with both of them. They were headed home already, from wherever they went. I have never felt my body go so stiff as it did in that moment. When I saw them it was like a shock to my reality. I havent seen them since I started trying to get them to turn themselves in. Ive talked to my mom a bit on the phone up until march but Ive never actually seen her face to face since I figured out the truth.

Until I did. Until I did see her.

She didnt look like my mom. She looked like the woman who kidnapped me for 23 years and then allowed me to be sexually abused the whole time. She looked like the woman who wanted to cause harm. She was the woman I pictured in my head since the beginning of everything.

I couldnt believe it. I just couldnt. There she was. In the passenger seat of my adoptive fathers truck. And she pulled out her phone and she took pictures of me. In my car. Waiting for my brother. Doing absolutely nothing wrong.

And then. They called the cops. My abusers called the cops on me for waiting for my brother. What a freaking joke. What a way to show me exactly who theyve always been. I just finally see it. Im finally free of the blinders. Free of what felt like binding me to hell. Free from them. And the hope Ive held on to that Id see them and miss them. Is gone. Because I didnt miss them. I felt sick. I felt scared I felt how Ive felt my entire life except the hope that they were good people…it was gone. It wasnt there. It was empty and I am free.

Yes they exist in this world. As my abusers. And thats all. The part that made me miss my parents. Was finally gone. I cant believe it. I am freed.

Love Ally