Entry #41

Dear Reader,

Someone sent me a bouquet today. Of beautiful white and yellow daisies with a cute butterfly, that looks like it landed on one of the flowers.

I dont know who it is from, it didnt say. But I forgot mothers day is coming up. And its my first mothers day where I feel like a huge failure and a huge success at the same time. I just know this mothers day is going to be hard for me because I won’t be calling my own “mother.”

Over the past few months Ive discovered the horrors of what my life was.. I remember what it was like to be locked in a room trying to find toys to play with to distract myself from what was going on in the other room. Im still learning and comprehending that that wasn’t normal…because It just seemed so normal to me. Its like reliving all my memories with a different perspective. Realizing that my mom let it all happen. Realizing she was the reason I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. She was the reason I felt so insecure, so depressed so out of this world. Nothing was ever good enough and the goals I made for myself to impress her… and how hard I reached for perfection to make her proud…absolutely disgusts me now because that was not a healthy or normal seeking of approval. It was the mind of a child that didnt ever experience unconditional love. And that makes me sad.

I watch my kids and I smile because even though things are hard in the moment. I know that they are experiencing, unconditional love. From me, from friends, from family and from now on feom everyone they encounter. Its not bitter to realize. Its only sweet. Because this shit we are feeling is temporary and they will always get the best mom I can ever be, for them. They will always have my open mind and understanding. I will look at things from there perspective not just my own… because I want them to become there own persons.

Thanks for the anonymous bouquet. Someone really made my day.

Love Ally