Dear Reader, Love Ally

Entry #55

Dear Reader,

I’ve had a little bit of a mental frustration the past couple days. Mostly blaming myself on and off for a majority of things.

You know what is funny? According to my abusers I have done this to myself. By choosing to come forward. By telling the truth. I didn’t have to do this they say. I couldve just left and not turned him in. I could have just left and not told a soul why.

But what would that accomplish? I know they want to be walking freely keeping there dark secret but the reason I came forward wasnt just for me. Yes I wanted to heal. But It was also for my sister. It was for my brother. It was for my children. It was for the possibility that we weren’t his only victims. Its for preventing the possibilty of future victims.

Child abusers don’t change. And on the rare occasion that they do, they would turn themselves in and take accountability for the victims they hurt. There is no “stopping the urge so I shouldn’t have to go to prison.” There is no excuse for telling the world the victim is crazy because they dont want to leave there mom. That person should have thought about that before they violated a child. That person could have thought of there mom and gotten help. But they didn’t. And the fact that they are willing to lie.

Not just to the world, or a jury but also to there family is sickening. The fact that they would allow anyone to question the truth of there daughters story is sickening.

The fact that they told that child all of the time that they loved her. That they want the best for her. And then told her they wanted the best for her children later in life yet lie through there teeth, proves how cruel, how evil they really are. They still are. And they wonder why I am able to do this.

Its because I know what love is now. Its because I know if they truely had changed and loved me now in this very moment that they would be telling our family. The truth. They would be doing everything they possibly can on there end to show me.

But instead they are. Denying the truth about what they’ve done. Instead they are calling there mothers telling them I woke up one day and had a bad dream. I just stick my nose up and scoff at that one because I wish this was all a bad dream. Instead they are convincing there friends that I think this is true. Totally disregarding that they Paid for my therapy for nearly four years. Totally disregarding that they know I have proof. Instead they will convince there families to support them in a court trial. And will actually drag them through the process with there lies. They will use there mouths like swords to twist my words. Because they love noone.

If they did. If they ever did, then we wouldn’t be here would we? Because He wouldn’t have violated me. He wouldn’t have denied and said hes done nothing wrong on his responses. He wouldn’t have gotten a lawyer. He wouldnt have said I brought this upon myself. He wouldn’t be visiting his mom and looking her in the eyes telling her lies.

And she wouldn’t have slept in the same bed as him after she learned of the abuse. She wouldnt have allowed him to continue to take her daughters out alone after walking in on him sexually abusing a child. She wouldnt have lied to investigators in el paso after he confessed to abusing us even more then we thought she knew. She wouldn’t have given him chance after chance to violate me. And she definitely wouldnt be participating in tricking coworkers to message people on her behalf. She wouldn’t be going to work everyday pretending shes a victim. She wouldn’t be using her mouth to protect his lies, His crimes, his degrading behavior. She wouldn’t be allowing anyone to speak against her daughter.

So I know where they stand. I know what lies ahead. I know the abuse hasnt stopped because they will stand up in a courthouse and continue to abuse me by making me speak of all the ways he violated me out loud to a room full of family. They wouldn’t do that if they loved me. They’d confess.

Love Ally

Entry #54

Dear Reader,

All I ever wanted to be one day was a mother. To nurture and raise up my own little sweet babies.

I have struggled a bit today with doubting myself as a mom. I blame myself for alot of things going on in our lives right now. But I know I cant do that. All I ever wanted was to believe my mom loved us just as much as I loved her. But I was wrong. And she doesnt. And she didnt. And she never did.

Whats sad is what I did wasnt wrong. It’s not wrong for someone to want a relationship with there parents. Its not wrong for a child to think they love them regardless of the shit they put me through. I didnt see them as my abusers b3cause I just wanted to see them as my parents. My parents. Who only ever wanted the best for me.

All that abuse. All those cruel moments they put upon me, and yet I still forgave them. I still forgive them. For what they did to me. But It will take a very long time for me to recover from the pain they caused My children. My family. And I will never be greatful for the good things they did for me. Because all that “good” doesn’t make up for the bad. All that bribe, all that manipulation will never be easily forgotten.

And I will. Stand up in the courthouse and say that he did this to me. So just wait. Just wait. They will pay for what theyve done wrong by the law. Lets let a jury decide there fate. Because After all they thought they’d chosen mine. Except I am not theres to control any more.

And I never was. And the control they had is just heartbreaking. And I am broken to be learning every day that they tricked me. And they didn’t love me.

They only love me on there conditions.

But I love myself. I take pride in myself. And the person I am now. All that hurt, all that pain that I caused myself because of my upbringing is healing. I can not wait for the life ahead of me.

The life where I respect myself. The life where I protect my kids. The life where I protect myself, and my marriage and the real people in my life.

Hell, its not going to be easy. But I sure as heck will never give up.

Love Ally

Entry #53

Dear Reader,

I dont really have many words to say tonight. I am desperately searching my brain for something to write about and I just have nothing left. I spent all day trying to keep myself busy with the kids, house chores and that super entertaining johnny vs Amber Trial.

I spent all day trying to keep my brain busy to not think about them and whats going on in my life currently. That I just dont have the brain power to speak.

Its honestly sad. Sad that Im this tired from holding in my emotions nearly all day about this life Ive endured besides a few short moments when I stepped away to rant on the phone. And you know what Im just going to stop typing because I want to keep my mind clear because I want to sleep. Because I need sleep. And this shit can wait until tomorrow.

There is always Tomorrow. At least I have that.

Love Ally

Entry #52

Dear Reader,

Today is mine and my husbands anniversary and I want to take a moment to pause from all that this blog is and appreciate the fact that this man has stayed married to me for 6 years.

Hes put up with 6 years of manipulation by my family. Hes put up with 6 years of my mistakes. 6 years of my mood swings. 6 years of my most vulnerable moments have been shared with him.

I owe the strength I feel burning in my soul to him. He taught me my worth. He taught me respect. He taught me what love really was.

Hes most definitely my soul mate. And I will save the mushy gushy stuff for another time. Because I know what ya’ll are here for.

My encouragement for the day is that even though we didnt go out to some big dinner tonight. Even though we didnt drink champagne and watch fireworks. Im thankful. Thankful that he was able to come home and we were able to put our kids to bed like a team. And I am greatful for his patience. And his love for me.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

He shows it daily. Just by how he carries himself. And i Owe God a big thank you for one of the biggest blessing in my life that started the fire within myself to become a better person. For him for my kids and for myself. Happy Anniversary to this Porter Family established in 2016.

Love Ally

Entry #51

Dear Reader,

There are moments where I wish I could go back in time. Where I would’ve said Yes In El paso when CPS and the military police asked me if my dad abused me…

Moments where I scream from inside that Van instead of hide behind the front seat naked when that car drove by. Where I told my friends family before I went back home from a sleepover.

But I can’t let myself Go there. Because I can’t go back in time. And I have to remind myself that a child wouldn’t have known what to do. When he told you to stay qiuet you stayed quiet. Because you thought He knew whats best for you. Because you thought he loved you. Because you thought he had good intentions. Because he told you you were a special little girl.

Because you thought all daughters where touched this way. Because you thought everyone already knew in the family.. and you just didnt talk about it. Because when you found out it wasn’t normal they told you they’d loose you. They told you you’d end up in foster care seperated from your sibling. Because mom would get in trouble. Because…every excuse in the book. You name it and they have some stupid excuse for why she didnt do that.

Its stupid and its infuriating. And its my life everyday. I actually have to remind myself that I was a child and I just didnt know.

And It makes me physically sick. And I dont how anyone can do this to children. I just dont.

Love Ally

Entry #50

Dear Reader,

She probably loved me. My mom. Im sure she did. Im sure despite the way she sided with my dad, she loves me in some way. Right? I dont even like to think of it. I dont even like to think of the possibility that she still cares about me. Because if she does how could she be actively choosing to defend my abuser.

If I catch myself thinking about how she probably misses me in some wierd way and the guilt that I feel for not calling her everday sets in, I remind myself that she chose this. That she told me from her own mouth that I “cant give her the life she wants.” That she told me she do anything for me and my kids but she doesnt. Because She knew a long long time ago that she could help me. She knew a long long time ago that I wouldn’t have been taken from her if she helped me. She knew before I even knew it was wrong. She knew what my dad doing to me was wrong. When I told her nonchalantly what he had done without even knowing it was wrong. When i told her bragging that daddy brought me to his room and we played naked. She knew.

Now if she had of really truely loved me. She would have lost her shit. She would have kicked him out. She would have called the police. She would have faught every ounce of her soul not to rip him to shreds. Because if by some wierd possible way she didnt know. She would be defending me now. She would be fighting with me. She would know flowers aren’t going to fix anything.

She would be crying. Not because I left her. But because he abused me and she came with me. Because the man she loved molested her children and she didn’t even know. But shes not.

And half way through this. My son walked out of his room. I stopped typing and put my phone down quietly making my way to his room. He ran back to his bed quickly. Giggling his cute little giggle. And in that moment instead of scolding him, I sat down beside his bed. I laid my head on his pillow and I talked to him. And I told him about his day, and I told him about what I did during my day while I was away from him. And he told me what he did. And we laughed quietly.

Then I told him I loved how smart he was. I told him I loved how he says blue juice tastes like gummies. I told him I loved how much he makes me laugh. I told him his jokes are so funny and I find his humor amazing at just 2 years old. I asked him what he did after his nap when he woke up today. And he said he played outside with water beads. So I told him i set those water beads up while he was sleeping so he could play with them while I took a nap. I told him he was a good boy today and I am proud of him.

And he fell asleep. And I walked back out his door and I closed it and I realized.

Noone did that for me. Noone sat down beside me and told me all the reasons they loved me. Noone has done that besides my husband and its why I fell in love with him. And It amazes me. It amazes me how much I longed for that. As a child I longed to know why they loved me. I didnt want that nintendo ds as much as I wanted there love. I didnt want that disneyland trip or that disney build a bear stuffy they bought me. I just wanted love.

My mommy didnt sit down beside me and tell me she loves my spunk. She didnt tell me she loved how stubborn I was. Or how creative I could be. She didnt tell me that.

I want my kids to grow up knowing that I love them. I dont want my kids to ever be able to doubt that I do. I dont want them to ever wonder if i love them. Because they will always know why I love them.

And thats a legacy I want to leave behind. That I always made sure they knew They Were loved. And I will fight to do that. So that when they are adults and they ever doubt themselves they will remember.

Mom loved that they were stubborn. Mom loved that they were head strong. Mom loved that they had there own opinion. Mom loved that they wore there hearts on there sleeves. Mom loved that they were there own person. That way they will always love themselves and they will never accept anything less from anyone. That they will know the love and respect they deserve. So that hopefully that guidence can help them always have possitive people in there lives.

Because we are who our parents taught us to be. And we have to teach ouselves otherwise but they should never be told who to be. They should be told we love them for who they are.

Love Ally

Entry #49

Dear Reader,

There is pain everywhere. Pain in living in my Turth. In living in the reality of who I am. And what my life has been. Pain that I sometimes want to take it all back and go back to my life because My mind and heart truely believed I could build a relationship with my parents, even based off the terrible foundation we grew up in.

I just hurt and ache every day. Longing for the person I thought my mom was….longing for the man I wanted my dad to be. I feel myself struggling to keep it together because ive always depended so strongly on them. That it feels wierd not having them to run to. It really does.

I feel pain that I even have to struggle with this. I shouldnt even be in this position at all. My mind shouldnt have to miss them. Its not fair. Its unbelievable. Its the gut wrenching truth. I never got a choice. It just was. The person I used to be just was. I didnt matter. I did everything I could to keep people in my life. No matter what. No matter how much damage I felt at the end of the day. Because I never wanted to be the reason there life was uprooted. I never want to hurt anyone. I never wanted to be the fire starter.

But now. I want to start a movement. I want to be the ripple that causes a wave of emotions. I want to be the spark that starts a fire in someone to live in there truth as well. I want to be the wings that help victims fly. I want to be the reason people love themselves for who they are.

I didnt ever have a voice before….but I do now. And I want to be your voice, and her voice and his voice. I want to listen to your stories. And I want you to know you are not alone in your pain. But we have to face it. The world does deserve to know who hurt you.

Im not saying its easy. Im not saying you will wake up one day and be healed from your trauma. But you can start. You can start a fire within yourself to the pathway of healing. Youve got this. We got this. Hang in there.

Love Ally

Entry #48

Dear Reader,

My emotions are all over the place tonight. I feel an overwhelming amount of resentment and anger towards myself. Because In my mind I felt like It was okay to accept the constant pressure. In my mind I felt like I asked for it in some way or another. I’ve participated in things I am not proud of. Because I didnt really know how to say no. I was always broken down as a child. I didnt have the ability to say no. And Ive carried that with me through adulthood. Until now.

I need to learn how to say no. I need to learn how to speak up….and I am so frustrated that I don’t know how to talk for myself sometimes. And I wish I did.

Childhood Trauma can make or break a person. And for me, its done both. It made me into a woman who had no respect for herself. And it breaks me that I ever let anyone treat my body the way they did…

It was meant to be only my husbands and I will never get. That. Back .

Its a pain I have to live with forever because I feel like I betrayed myself before I even knew what betrayal was.

Love Ally

Entry #47

Dear Reader,

Its the little things. The little things about freedom that change the way you think. Like the way I thought about chores at the end of the day. I used to hate them. I used to see them as more work. I used to see them as exactly that a chore.

But I started thinking about it this way. I cleaned off my sons grimy fingerprints from his tablet and I caught myself, wondering wow tomorrow, hes not going to say thank you to me for cleaning off his tablet. Tomorrow he is going to pick it up and play with it and not notice a difference. But one day. One day he will remember that mom used to clean off his tablet for him so she could sleep in on certain mornings. One day they will remember walking out to a clean living room so they could have fun destroying it the next day. One day they will remember mom struggling to cook them dinner in the evenings while they begged for attention at my feet. They will always remember having something to eat.

One day they wont remember mom who snapped at them before bedtime last night. They will remember me as the mom who made sure to set time aside each night to snuggle them before bed. No matter how tired, or grumpy or sad I was.

Im just mom. To them I am a damm good mom. And they wouldnt have it any other way. One day they will remember mommy was always safe.

And so I will do those dishes, and I will clean those tablets. And I will let them watch tv sometimes so i can sleep in. Because they wont see that as a negative thing. They will only know how much I loved them every day.

And thats all I ever want to be. Mom.

Love Ally

Entry #46

Dear Reader,

I am not a vindictive person. I am loyal to a fault. I am one of the most kind hearted people you can meet.

I don’t like to hurt people. I didn’t like to be the one to break ties with someone so I will often keep them as a friend even if they treat me badly. It used to be one of my biggest flaws. Its why I stayed quiet for long. Its why I suffered for so long. I didn’t want to hurt my mom.

I used to care about her. Tremendously. I used to worry about what she would think whenever I did something as an adult. This didnt start happening until I became an adult and she started openly “appologizing” for her part in my life. I believed her and I wanted a relationship with her like any daughter would with her mother. Its easy to forget as an outside party that even though they abused me, I seeked there approval and love. I know its hard to understand why anyone would want a relationship with there abusers, but I truely wanted to believe Hed changed. I can hardly even fathom it myself.

Anyways. I am different now. I know my worth. I know my strength. I know that standing up for what is right is not wrong. I know that loyalty is great, but only those who plan to do good with my loyalty deserve it. I spent so much of my life looking out for the villians in my life. And now I am striving to protect myself, and the future children. And there future children. And that fight doesnt stop until the world changes. Until we find a way to protect our babies.

Love Ally