Entry #50

Dear Reader,

She probably loved me. My mom. Im sure she did. Im sure despite the way she sided with my dad, she loves me in some way. Right? I dont even like to think of it. I dont even like to think of the possibility that she still cares about me. Because if she does how could she be actively choosing to defend my abuser.

If I catch myself thinking about how she probably misses me in some wierd way and the guilt that I feel for not calling her everday sets in, I remind myself that she chose this. That she told me from her own mouth that I “cant give her the life she wants.” That she told me she do anything for me and my kids but she doesnt. Because She knew a long long time ago that she could help me. She knew a long long time ago that I wouldn’t have been taken from her if she helped me. She knew before I even knew it was wrong. She knew what my dad doing to me was wrong. When I told her nonchalantly what he had done without even knowing it was wrong. When i told her bragging that daddy brought me to his room and we played naked. She knew.

Now if she had of really truely loved me. She would have lost her shit. She would have kicked him out. She would have called the police. She would have faught every ounce of her soul not to rip him to shreds. Because if by some wierd possible way she didnt know. She would be defending me now. She would be fighting with me. She would know flowers aren’t going to fix anything.

She would be crying. Not because I left her. But because he abused me and she came with me. Because the man she loved molested her children and she didn’t even know. But shes not.

And half way through this. My son walked out of his room. I stopped typing and put my phone down quietly making my way to his room. He ran back to his bed quickly. Giggling his cute little giggle. And in that moment instead of scolding him, I sat down beside his bed. I laid my head on his pillow and I talked to him. And I told him about his day, and I told him about what I did during my day while I was away from him. And he told me what he did. And we laughed quietly.

Then I told him I loved how smart he was. I told him I loved how he says blue juice tastes like gummies. I told him I loved how much he makes me laugh. I told him his jokes are so funny and I find his humor amazing at just 2 years old. I asked him what he did after his nap when he woke up today. And he said he played outside with water beads. So I told him i set those water beads up while he was sleeping so he could play with them while I took a nap. I told him he was a good boy today and I am proud of him.

And he fell asleep. And I walked back out his door and I closed it and I realized.

Noone did that for me. Noone sat down beside me and told me all the reasons they loved me. Noone has done that besides my husband and its why I fell in love with him. And It amazes me. It amazes me how much I longed for that. As a child I longed to know why they loved me. I didnt want that nintendo ds as much as I wanted there love. I didnt want that disneyland trip or that disney build a bear stuffy they bought me. I just wanted love.

My mommy didnt sit down beside me and tell me she loves my spunk. She didnt tell me she loved how stubborn I was. Or how creative I could be. She didnt tell me that.

I want my kids to grow up knowing that I love them. I dont want my kids to ever be able to doubt that I do. I dont want them to ever wonder if i love them. Because they will always know why I love them.

And thats a legacy I want to leave behind. That I always made sure they knew They Were loved. And I will fight to do that. So that when they are adults and they ever doubt themselves they will remember.

Mom loved that they were stubborn. Mom loved that they were head strong. Mom loved that they had there own opinion. Mom loved that they wore there hearts on there sleeves. Mom loved that they were there own person. That way they will always love themselves and they will never accept anything less from anyone. That they will know the love and respect they deserve. So that hopefully that guidence can help them always have possitive people in there lives.

Because we are who our parents taught us to be. And we have to teach ouselves otherwise but they should never be told who to be. They should be told we love them for who they are.

Love Ally