Entry #51

Dear Reader,

There are moments where I wish I could go back in time. Where I would’ve said Yes In El paso when CPS and the military police asked me if my dad abused me…

Moments where I scream from inside that Van instead of hide behind the front seat naked when that car drove by. Where I told my friends family before I went back home from a sleepover.

But I can’t let myself Go there. Because I can’t go back in time. And I have to remind myself that a child wouldn’t have known what to do. When he told you to stay qiuet you stayed quiet. Because you thought He knew whats best for you. Because you thought he loved you. Because you thought he had good intentions. Because he told you you were a special little girl.

Because you thought all daughters where touched this way. Because you thought everyone already knew in the family.. and you just didnt talk about it. Because when you found out it wasn’t normal they told you they’d loose you. They told you you’d end up in foster care seperated from your sibling. Because mom would get in trouble. Because…every excuse in the book. You name it and they have some stupid excuse for why she didnt do that.

Its stupid and its infuriating. And its my life everyday. I actually have to remind myself that I was a child and I just didnt know.

And It makes me physically sick. And I dont how anyone can do this to children. I just dont.

Love Ally