Entry #49

Dear Reader,

There is pain everywhere. Pain in living in my Turth. In living in the reality of who I am. And what my life has been. Pain that I sometimes want to take it all back and go back to my life because My mind and heart truely believed I could build a relationship with my parents, even based off the terrible foundation we grew up in.

I just hurt and ache every day. Longing for the person I thought my mom was….longing for the man I wanted my dad to be. I feel myself struggling to keep it together because ive always depended so strongly on them. That it feels wierd not having them to run to. It really does.

I feel pain that I even have to struggle with this. I shouldnt even be in this position at all. My mind shouldnt have to miss them. Its not fair. Its unbelievable. Its the gut wrenching truth. I never got a choice. It just was. The person I used to be just was. I didnt matter. I did everything I could to keep people in my life. No matter what. No matter how much damage I felt at the end of the day. Because I never wanted to be the reason there life was uprooted. I never want to hurt anyone. I never wanted to be the fire starter.

But now. I want to start a movement. I want to be the ripple that causes a wave of emotions. I want to be the spark that starts a fire in someone to live in there truth as well. I want to be the wings that help victims fly. I want to be the reason people love themselves for who they are.

I didnt ever have a voice before….but I do now. And I want to be your voice, and her voice and his voice. I want to listen to your stories. And I want you to know you are not alone in your pain. But we have to face it. The world does deserve to know who hurt you.

Im not saying its easy. Im not saying you will wake up one day and be healed from your trauma. But you can start. You can start a fire within yourself to the pathway of healing. Youve got this. We got this. Hang in there.

Love Ally