Entry #48

Dear Reader,

My emotions are all over the place tonight. I feel an overwhelming amount of resentment and anger towards myself. Because In my mind I felt like It was okay to accept the constant pressure. In my mind I felt like I asked for it in some way or another. I’ve participated in things I am not proud of. Because I didnt really know how to say no. I was always broken down as a child. I didnt have the ability to say no. And Ive carried that with me through adulthood. Until now.

I need to learn how to say no. I need to learn how to speak up….and I am so frustrated that I don’t know how to talk for myself sometimes. And I wish I did.

Childhood Trauma can make or break a person. And for me, its done both. It made me into a woman who had no respect for herself. And it breaks me that I ever let anyone treat my body the way they did…

It was meant to be only my husbands and I will never get. That. Back .

Its a pain I have to live with forever because I feel like I betrayed myself before I even knew what betrayal was.

Love Ally