Entry #54

Dear Reader,

All I ever wanted to be one day was a mother. To nurture and raise up my own little sweet babies.

I have struggled a bit today with doubting myself as a mom. I blame myself for alot of things going on in our lives right now. But I know I cant do that. All I ever wanted was to believe my mom loved us just as much as I loved her. But I was wrong. And she doesnt. And she didnt. And she never did.

Whats sad is what I did wasnt wrong. It’s not wrong for someone to want a relationship with there parents. Its not wrong for a child to think they love them regardless of the shit they put me through. I didnt see them as my abusers b3cause I just wanted to see them as my parents. My parents. Who only ever wanted the best for me.

All that abuse. All those cruel moments they put upon me, and yet I still forgave them. I still forgive them. For what they did to me. But It will take a very long time for me to recover from the pain they caused My children. My family. And I will never be greatful for the good things they did for me. Because all that “good” doesn’t make up for the bad. All that bribe, all that manipulation will never be easily forgotten.

And I will. Stand up in the courthouse and say that he did this to me. So just wait. Just wait. They will pay for what theyve done wrong by the law. Lets let a jury decide there fate. Because After all they thought they’d chosen mine. Except I am not theres to control any more.

And I never was. And the control they had is just heartbreaking. And I am broken to be learning every day that they tricked me. And they didn’t love me.

They only love me on there conditions.

But I love myself. I take pride in myself. And the person I am now. All that hurt, all that pain that I caused myself because of my upbringing is healing. I can not wait for the life ahead of me.

The life where I respect myself. The life where I protect my kids. The life where I protect myself, and my marriage and the real people in my life.

Hell, its not going to be easy. But I sure as heck will never give up.

Love Ally