Entry #55

Dear Reader,

I’ve had a little bit of a mental frustration the past couple days. Mostly blaming myself on and off for a majority of things.

You know what is funny? According to my abusers I have done this to myself. By choosing to come forward. By telling the truth. I didn’t have to do this they say. I couldve just left and not turned him in. I could have just left and not told a soul why.

But what would that accomplish? I know they want to be walking freely keeping there dark secret but the reason I came forward wasnt just for me. Yes I wanted to heal. But It was also for my sister. It was for my brother. It was for my children. It was for the possibility that we weren’t his only victims. Its for preventing the possibilty of future victims.

Child abusers don’t change. And on the rare occasion that they do, they would turn themselves in and take accountability for the victims they hurt. There is no “stopping the urge so I shouldn’t have to go to prison.” There is no excuse for telling the world the victim is crazy because they dont want to leave there mom. That person should have thought about that before they violated a child. That person could have thought of there mom and gotten help. But they didn’t. And the fact that they are willing to lie.

Not just to the world, or a jury but also to there family is sickening. The fact that they would allow anyone to question the truth of there daughters story is sickening.

The fact that they told that child all of the time that they loved her. That they want the best for her. And then told her they wanted the best for her children later in life yet lie through there teeth, proves how cruel, how evil they really are. They still are. And they wonder why I am able to do this.

Its because I know what love is now. Its because I know if they truely had changed and loved me now in this very moment that they would be telling our family. The truth. They would be doing everything they possibly can on there end to show me.

But instead they are. Denying the truth about what they’ve done. Instead they are calling there mothers telling them I woke up one day and had a bad dream. I just stick my nose up and scoff at that one because I wish this was all a bad dream. Instead they are convincing there friends that I think this is true. Totally disregarding that they Paid for my therapy for nearly four years. Totally disregarding that they know I have proof. Instead they will convince there families to support them in a court trial. And will actually drag them through the process with there lies. They will use there mouths like swords to twist my words. Because they love noone.

If they did. If they ever did, then we wouldn’t be here would we? Because He wouldn’t have violated me. He wouldn’t have denied and said hes done nothing wrong on his responses. He wouldn’t have gotten a lawyer. He wouldnt have said I brought this upon myself. He wouldn’t be visiting his mom and looking her in the eyes telling her lies.

And she wouldn’t have slept in the same bed as him after she learned of the abuse. She wouldnt have allowed him to continue to take her daughters out alone after walking in on him sexually abusing a child. She wouldnt have lied to investigators in el paso after he confessed to abusing us even more then we thought she knew. She wouldn’t have given him chance after chance to violate me. And she definitely wouldnt be participating in tricking coworkers to message people on her behalf. She wouldn’t be going to work everyday pretending shes a victim. She wouldn’t be using her mouth to protect his lies, His crimes, his degrading behavior. She wouldn’t be allowing anyone to speak against her daughter.

So I know where they stand. I know what lies ahead. I know the abuse hasnt stopped because they will stand up in a courthouse and continue to abuse me by making me speak of all the ways he violated me out loud to a room full of family. They wouldn’t do that if they loved me. They’d confess.

Love Ally