Entry #72

Dear Reader,

The only words I have today is this prayer and I ask that the Lord recieve it and be with Me every day. From this day forward.

The Lord is my light and my salvation–whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life–of whom shall I be afraid? When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident.

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord.

Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, Lord I will seek. Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior. Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will recieve me. Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors. Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence.

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalms 27

Amen,

Love Ally

Entry #71

Dear Reader,

We hear the phrase “facing your demons” all the time in conversations about healing. Its a bitter reality That some of us face some major demons .

People tell us we have to face our demons in life, in order to overcome them. Whether that be how you feel about your body. Or how your confidence in yourself. Some people demons can be, never trying anything new, because of a fear of failing. Or for example, my demons, quite literally are my abusers. I hate to admit it. But they still have a power over me. I feel Angry when I think of them.

My biggest flaw when I am angry is my mouth.

“Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools.”

Ecclesiastes 7:9

I can become foolish, and do foolish things when controlled by anger. In my life recently I have been trying to turn my anger, into Trust in God, and turn my frustrations into motivation to do things right.

Now thats not to say I dont flip the ocassional bird, or scream at the top of my lungs in anger. Trust me, I have felt the burning in my throat from screaming so hard. Most of the time, my screaming is more so in disbelief. But sometimes, every now and then its to express the well deserved insults to Pedophiles and people who defend them, or stand by them.

I have a bit of confusion sometimes with myself because I try so hard to grasp onto my Trust for God, but still I find myself in situations where I feel hot, and words leave my mouth before I even have a chance to realize what I am saying.

I feel as though God knows that. And He doesnt expect me to be perfect. He wants me to hold my tongue of course, but he knows I am going to slip up.

But I truely hope that one day, my relationship with Him is so strong that I wont slip up as much. And that I will be able to remain calm, even when facing my demons.

Because Anger Belongs to God.

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. –Romans 12:19

Lord be with me, through every descision I make, so that I might be slow to Anger.

Love Ally

Entry #70

Dear Reader,

I say this to the people who claim to Be walking in Faith yet continue to run from the consequences of there decisions.

I say descisions because there is a difference between making a mistake and making a descision. It is a mistake to run the stop sign once. But it is a descision to continue to run them, even knowing the consequences.

You can run, but you cannot hide.

Amos 9:3

Though they hide themselves on the top of Carmel, there I will hunt them down and seize them. Though they hide from my eyes at the bottom of the sea, there I will command the serpent to bite them.

You can use Religion and Speak of God in every Conversation. But that does not mean you know Him. How can you be the deciding factor for someone elses faith? How can you judge someone elses choices? How can you truely sit there and shame someone else for there own doings when you hide behind your own?

You hypocrite! First, remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye. Mathew 7:5

How can you sit there and Base your life on God, when you are living completely against Him? I am not a preacher. However I can assure you that I grew up questioning religion because my parents Preached the Gospel every other word. They are still doing that right now. What hypocrites. But I now know that there is a difference between just memorizing the words on the paper and using them to your own advantage. And actually Living in those words. It was never God that I questioned. All my life Growing up wondering how God could let this happen to me, I realize now that, He didn’t.

It was Them I was doubting. It was them who let this happen to me. And they did it all by Hiding Behind His Name.

Truth will last forever;
    lies are soon found out–Proverbs 12:19

I pray that the Lord will Give me the strength and the courage to keep fighting this battle. I know I Am Not Alone. And the Truth will soon set me free.

Love Ally

Entry #69

Dear Reader,

Letting go of fear, takes time. It seems as though we often feel afraid of what comes next. Afraid to fail, afraid to suceed, afraid of the what ifs, or the hows. Afraid of fear itself. We fear not being good enough. We fear judgement, we fear that if someone knows the real one hundred percent vulnerable us that they wouldn’t love us.

We all struggle with fear. And every time we accomplish something it seems there is another thing we fear ready to face us.

The reason I bring up this topic, even though I’ve brought it up before in the past ,is that the last several times my 2 year old has gone swimming he finally let go of his fear. Which was literally to let go of whoever was holding him so that he could float, and swim around independently. Or to let go of the edge of the pool. He was always holding on to something, too afraid to trust us that we wouldnt let him sink.

I find myself often times, in the same possition as my son. To afraid to let go. To let go of the friends that make me feel small. To let go of the family members that haven’t always supported me. To let go of my fear of what if. Instead of just holding on to what I know.

You who fear the LORD, trust in the LORD! He is their help and their shield.”

Psalms 115:11

And I know that I can Trust My God. I know He has a plan for me. And for my children. I know He is using my life, to draw me closer to Him.

Sometimes I fear what will happen if I follow God’s word. If I seek for answers in The Bible. Because relying on Him in such an incredible and intense way can seem baffling to others. But I know, if I Trust Him. I can jump into this world full of fear, and know that the only thing I need to fear. Is my Jesus. Is my savior. Is my God.

And Just like that little boy who was afraid to sink. Who now cannon balls into the deep end because he Trusts, that even though he sinks for a few seconds, he will pop right back up to the surface. And if he doesnt. He trusts that someone will always get him.

I will trust that even when it feels like I am sinking in this life, that God will have me surface into an even better life then I could ever imagine.

Love Ally

Entry #68

Dear Reader,

Today Is Fathers Day. As we all obviously know. Your social media is flooded with Posts of people thanking and appreciating there fathers. And there childrens fathers. I even posted about my own husband.

Today was not as heavy on my heart as mothers day was. I think Ive come fully to the acceptance that they never really were my parents. And so I did not feel the urge to call anyone today.

Because I was right there with the people I knew loved me. When I married Austin I didnt know what to expect from him as a father or a husband. I didn’t know exactly how I wanted to be treated. I was just willing to accept whatever along the way.

But he taught me how a husband should treat his wife. He taught me how a father should treat his son. He is teaching me how a father should treat his daughter.

God provided me with an example here on earth. And as a result of that I have been surrounded by incredible people who love my husband, who love me, and who love my children.

I am surrounded by people who love my God. And there is no greater blessing then that.

I know my husband is not perfect, and we will both make mistakes along the way because thats just parenthood. Thats just marriage. But a marriage that is built on trusting God. Is a marriage that will last.

So Happy Fathers Day, to my Husband. And Happy Fathers day to My Father.

1 John 3:1

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him.

My Father, has been here the whole time. No need to waste my time thinking about wordly people on a day like today. Afterall The people who raised me, are not the people who will keep Raising me. Only the Bible gets to do that.

Goodnight.

Love Ally

Entry #67

Dear Reader,

You know you are a mom when you spend your day doing chores that you know you will do again. And you secretly feel pride in yourself when you do it.

Because even though it takes longer your kids want to help you. And you let them. Because them wadding up those clean shirts in a ball, thinking they are folding them before handing them to you, isnt a big deal. But to them its a whole core memory. One day they will realize that they werent really helping me. And they will remember that I said thank you anyways and laughed and talked with them as we folded the laundry together.

It takes longer to unload the dishwasher when my child wants to hand me each item while telling me what it is, before I put it away. But I do it with him anyways because it makes them feel proud of themselves.

It takes longer to feed the rabbit, and the chickens, and the Dogs, but if they want to we do it together. Because they enjoy feeling helpful, independent and accomplished.

Last Night Eris fell asleep holding on to my arm. And Cami was asleep to the left of me. I soaked up this moment, not wanting to untangle myself from his arms. It was peaceful. I felt so greatful, that I am a safe place for him. But before he fell asleep he told me he was going to “snuggle mommy to sleep” I asked him if he wanted to stay in my bed till he fell asleep. And he said “no I want to stay until you fall asleep, I want to help you sleep.”

It was the cutest most rewarding moment this week. I haven’t posted like I usually do. Because I have been soaking up every moment with my family. I have realized that every moment in this life on earth is not guaranteed. And I feel accomplished. I’ve been doing something right. If my son noticed my exhaustion yesterday and wanted to be the one to help me sleep.

I’ve logged in to blog a few times. Retyped Entry #67 multiple times. But nothing I wrote seemed worthy of posting. To me, my blog isnt some meaningless words on a screen. I want them all to mean something. To me. To you.

And My children Inspire me to enjoy and be greatful for every moment. Even the hard ones. So I am.

Love Ally

The Truth Entry #7

Dear Reader,

I’ve been silent. The past few days. I haven’t had the words to describe the feelings I am experiencing. It feels so surreal. I feel Like I am processing the legal aspect of things.

In my mind, I pictured that as soon as I told the truth these people would be behind bars. But they aren’t. That isnt what happened and its hard to fathom that. Its hard to fathom the entire judical process. It feels slow. I feel forgotten. I know I am not forgotten. But it is hard to fight a battle like this, even with so many people showing there support and love. I mostly spend my time being as encouraging as possible. Telling you all that I have the power is true. But I would be lying to you, if I said that the power I feel meant everyone is listening to me. Sometimes it feels like they are not. Sometimes I am screaming inside of my body because all of the facts are right here in front of everyone but too many people are too worried about there own reputations to reach out to the victims in this situation. My abusers have rights, just like anyone else. And unfortunately, in california it feels like they have more.

I took down my Truth Entries as you all may have noticed. I did not take them down because they are not true. I took them down because sadly the judicial system can hold those posts against me.

And don’t get me wrong. I know that. I knew that. But over the past few days I have accepted the fact that My abusers would willingly take everything they possibly can away from me and away from my children to save there despicable meaningless reputation.

I have come to terms with the fact that my kids, there lives, matter more then anything else. And I will put those posts back up one day. I will. As I do not regret writing them. I took my power back inside of me. Writing those down gave me a voice. But For now, I must be silent about this case. Anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law.

I want you all to know that I never plan to stop fighting. And one day. The courts will proove The Truth. And anyone who ever doubted me will get to read those posts and know that every word of it was true. And I have never defamed there character. As there character is a fake facade in an attempt to manipulate the people around them. I may be silent on my blog about this story for the time being. But I am not silent in my every day life. I do have the power. I just can’t move mountains on my own. Its going to take time.

Thanks for giving me my Voice Readers, And I can’t wait for the horrible things Ive suffered in my life, to be something that sparks the good, the Love, the strength, the pride, and the confidence in someone else. Because I know this happened to me for a reason. And I know that I am not alone.

I am doing this for that little girl. I am doing this for her. I am her.

Sincerely Love Ally

Entry #66

Dear Reader,

These tiny hands.

These tiny hands, that once balled up into fists punching me from inside my belly. These Tiny hands, that once were so small they could only hold my finger. These tiny hands that once stroked my face until he fell asleep. These tiny hands that hold my heart, left handprints on my wall today.

And I was enjoying watching my growing little boys thrive. We made chalk paint together and I was swirling the wet chalk in circles on my deck. I remembered doing that as a kid. And for a brief moment when both my boys looked at me with pure joy for something as simple as making chalk paint, i felt like a kid with them.

And I took a moment to myself and realized that this is what parenting is suppossed to be like.

I am greatful to God for the resilience I inherated obviously from someone biologically or its just a special Gift that God gave to children. The ability to still just be a child in spite of the world around them. And today took me back to those moments. Those moments when it was just me playing on my own. In my special imaginary world where I was always a mom. And I had animals of all sorts.

And now I am in that world. Its my life every day. I get to have that. And I am greatful for the blessings my Children Bring me. They Will leave handprints on my heart. Every step of the way through life. And I cannot wait to watch them grow right before my eyes.

Love Ally

Entry #65

Dear Reader,

Even after a long day of being emotionally exhausted. Even after a long day of spending most of the moments around the kids being possitive and happy even though I am feeling so broken. Like the bad stuff in my life thats happening cant be real.

Even if Im snappy or impatient. They still find me at the end of the day. I am still there safe place.

Kuiper fell asleep tonight, just like this. Right beside me while I fed his sister to sleep. And he told me he just wanted “to snuggle me.”

Even when I feel like Im being a horrible mom, and caught up in my own emotional termoil. They still feel safe. And thats all I could ever ask for.

Love Ally

The Truth Entry #4

Dear Reader,

This is me. The little girl whos daddy sexually abused her. The face of the little girl who Arthur Sheble was sexually attracted to. The face of the little girl who didn’t even know who she was yet. And they took everything from her.

They took her innocence, they took her childhood. They took her voice. They took her trust. They took her Love. And she can never get that back. The hours of crying. The hours of praying. The hours of fear. She can’t get that back. But she is resilient. She is fighting a fight she never should of had to fight in the first place. But that Little Girl. Is doing it. That little girl can’t go back and change things, but she can move forward and know her worth. Know who deserves her love. And she knows to never stop fighting for the truth. The Truth will come.

This is the face of the man who abused that little girl. This is the face of Arthur Sheble , the man who spent countless hours with me in front of a computer screen watching pornagraphy and making me stroke his penis. This man. Spent countless hours throughout my life time with his mouth on my vagina. On my not even fully developed body. This is the face of the man, who has put his penis in my mouth. In that tiny little mouth. He took away my very breath. And All I could think of was. This is wierd but he loves me so its okay.

This is the face of the man who swore to a judge to protect me when he adopted me but he did not. This is the face of the Man who destroyed my body. My soul and took away every ounce of self respect I had for myself. And He did it in the name of God. He did it in a church, he did it on the way home from church. He did it right after singing worship songs up on stage.

But he may have taken all that from me. But I am still standing. I am fighting for that child. The child some of you taught in school. The child who was friends with some of your children. The child whos curiosity about Jesus and God always stuck with her throughout her life. And because of God, I will win this fight. I trust him fully.

This is the face of Angela Sheble. The woman who also swore to love, nuture and protect me. But she did not. This is the face of the woman who sat on the couch pretending to be oblivious of Her husband masterbating inside my sleeping bag against my bottom. This is the face of the woman who I thought couldn’t hear what was happening and wondered what would happen if I cried out to her. This is the woman who let him come into my room countless nights to molest me. To finger my little body. To masterbate on top of me while I pretended to sleep.

She allowed it all. And The Truth Will Prevail. I will not be silenced on behalf of the feelings of anyone else who knows and loves these people. Because it doesnt matter. You can still love them and know they’ve done wrong. Know they’ve destroyed the life of children. This woman still works for Calaveras County. And I will not be silent. For my sake, for my childrens sake and for your own childrens sake.

Sincerely Love Ally

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