Dear Reader, Love Ally

Living in What is Entry #1

Dear Reader,

I made a pretty tough descision recently, that rather then take my abusers to trial and expose them for What I know they are in my civil case. I would sign a court ordered no contact agreement. I am currently in the process of understanding what the agreement will mean before I sign it and what I will be allowed to post in the future.

I know my story. And it matters to me that the people involved in my life know it, and believe it. But It is not necessary to proove myself to those who have based there opinions on what they have been told by the accused and not the facts. Everyone will know the truth at some point and when they do it will be too late for Conversations. Ive lost many family members over the past several months. And I still struggle with the reality that the ones ive lost will never be back in my life. Ive done all I can to proove to myself that I am worthy of there love. But I have learned through out time that I do not Need it from any of them. The friends that I thought were for life, not realizing life continues to go on.

I’ve always felt like I had to fight for every relationship I have ever had but have also realized that I do not have to fight. I am loved by so many other people that one persons love does not decide my approval to be loved.

I used to feel like each relationship with that person was one life. At least that is what it felt like. But when I put my mind together, and all those lives and relationships I realize that I do not really care.

I have made my own family. I broke the cycle. I left the fake family full of lies and deciet. And I am creating a family full of love and acceptance.

And my family, is a part of an even bigger family. And I love it. And this life takes getting used to. I have to remind myself all this good amongst all this bad is real. And that this icky feeling wont be forever. Its only temporary. I have to feel to heal.

I pray this chapter can end soon so I can just move on and live how I was meant to live.

Love Ally

Entry #81

Dear Reader,

How my heart has room to love these three amazing children, is beyond my comprehension. But oh how I do! An individual love for each of them that I cannot compare to the other.

Each one challenges me on there own ways. My oldest is so forgiving. So loving and caring. He will cry if he thinks he hurt your feelings, because He doesn’t want to hurt anybody. Its a wonderful quality to have, I think he gets that from me, but I would like to teach him that sometimes we can end up hurting ourselves, trying so hard not to hurt anyone else because people will take advantage of the ones with a kind heart. Not my son though because He will understand what love and care really is.

My Middle child. He is strong willed, loves deeply, and has a curious mind. Hes always asking questions. He challenges me to make sure I always have the correct answers for why some things are the way they are. He loves to catch me off guard. And sometimes he makes a game out of it. But I see a stubborn, resilient, and honorable man in there. I know he is going to be his own boss and really blow me away some day.

My youngest baby, my daughter, she saved me in so many ways that she will never understand. But I strive to always thank God for blessing me with her. Every single stage has been challenging for the two of us yet I know thats why our bond is as strong as it is. She is curious, alert and Opinionated. I can tell she won’t be a push over! She knows what she wants, when she wants it and if she doesnt get it.. well she will be sure to tell you with her facial expressions. Haha. And if I am in the room, you can bet she will object to you touching her. She is only nine months old. But I picture her clinging to my legs till shes ten years old and I look forward to that. She watches her brothers all day. She rejects naps most of the time because she doesnt want to miss a moment of what her brothers are doing. Or miss a second of mom holding her. I literally pack her around all day, I feel naked if I am not carrying her.

My heart has felt so much brokenness in its lifetime. Yet it’s only felt the love a mother feels for 5 years. And I will never go back. That love helps me understand God’s love. And helps me understand the love that I always lacked, And the love I have to give. A lifetime of brokeness was worth every future day of this Joy I get to feel.

I can’t wait to live this new beginning. Not broken but healed so I can show my babies how Unconditional God’s Love is, and I am consumed with it.

Love Ally

Entry #80

Dear Reader,

As of today, I have chosen myself. This means I have made the tough descision to no longer speak with any of my family members for the time being. This does not mean I do not love or care for the ones who have been supporting me from day one of being public about everything.

However, I open myself up to a different level of emotions whenever I speak with any of them. I begin to imagine what my life could have been like If I had of done things differently. And It causes me to go down a dark hole. And it is not fair to do to myself or my family.

I need to Love Me, To respect Me, and to Find me. The only way to do that Is to let go of the people and memories that cause me pain. And no longer allow it have any influence in my life. Listening to God and Accepting the answers hes given me to heal has been like playing the hardest game of tug of war. “Yes Lord. YES LORD.” “OH I can’t Lord!” “Its impossible!”

It is possible. I AM healing! Healing takes time. You dont wake up from surgery healed, you wake up with a wound that can take weeks or even months to heal. Its the same with spiritual health. I woke up, But It takes time to heal and grow. I have all these wounds that need fixing. And only God, time, and hardwork will fix them.

“If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for the one who believes.” Mark 9:23

Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” Luke 18:27

And so I believe. And So I trust Him. And I know He has a plan. Do I know what it is roght now? Maybe not. But do I know it will make me a better woman and bring me closer to Him? Yes.

I Trust His Power.

Love Ally

Entry #79

Dear Reader,

What a week it has been!! I have really been doing my best to keep myself busy, especially since Ive been feeling a little more like myself over the past couple weeks. It was easy for me to forget how active I like to be.

My pregnancy with My daughter was physically very hard on me and I had to stop doing alot of things I loved. Then after I had her the pain didnt stop for a while. And then the emotional pain was happening as well on top of it all. I really lost myself to being a homebody. And I struggled with keeping up on social appearances as well as staying up to date with friends.

My biggest defense mechanism is to close myself off. Avoid drama. Limit contact with people and just go about my business at home avoiding eye contact with anyone and everyone. Just something as simple as going to the grocery store, even with my husband, was mentally exhausting.

I’ve done a damn good job filtering out the negative people in my life. And I am still actively blocking people to this day. I’ve learned the best thing to do for myself is let people believe what they want to believe, its not my Job to convince them. The Truth will be told soon enough and I don’t really care to have people in my life who aren’t backing me up one hundred percent. This included alot of people who I thought were my family. I believe I only have one set of fingers worth of family still actively involved in my life.

This change has definitely had a possitive impact on my mental health.

I made a mistake recently of unblocking and reaching out to someone. Why I put myself through the mental stress of even searching for answers is beyond me. As I know I will never get the answers I am looking for. However we all want things we cant have.

For example, I want to believe that the person I unblocked still loves me in some way. Deep down. That they would tell me all the reasons why they wronged me. Just because they love me enough to be a part of my healing. I want to believe that. But its not true.

I am broken, because of them. And they don’t want healing. They enjoy my brokenness. However, my brokeness, brings me peace.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10”

“You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your fathers desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44“

So I do not hear them. The lies that once rang in my ears. I do not feel them here. There is only One power in my life and that is God. The enemy can not influence me. The enemy cannot communicate with me. Satin tells me to open those doors, but God shuts them for a reason. He rebukes the Devil in the name of Jesus and all that is Holy. He strikes me dead from the lives of Jezebels and evil doers. Because I may as well be. The enemy doesnt deserve that right. They want it. But we can’t always have what we want.

Love Ally

Entry #78

Dear Reader,

If you Know my story. You know my Faith. You have heard me speak it and you have read it. You have seen the previous life I’ve lived. And you are witnessing the life I am living now.

I stand strong in the Lord. I know his Justice is coming. I know that even though my faith is being used against me, that His Truth will prevail. I know the mental turmoil I will be put through. I know and understand the words that will be said about me. And I am well aware of the Lies I will hear straight to my face.

Yet I will continue. I know, that I am healing. I know that I will have my rough days, and my good days and the days I wish I didn’t have to live on this Earth. But I know He has a plan. I know my story was not for nothing. I know my pain is not for nothing.

I have endured far worse as a child then I will ever have to endure again in my future. These trials I am facing are literally just the answers I am praying for. Its a fight, that I intend to finish.

And I will be an example of the Treasure, Jesus makes out of the broken. Amen.

Therefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven people, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. And whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come. “Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit. You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil.

Matthew 12:31-45

The answers, are right in front on our eyes.

Love Ally

Entry #77

Dear Reader,

Family. Everyone knows that word. And everyone has one right? At least at one point in there life everyone has a “family.” My family isnt shit. My “mother” will never love me the way a mother should. My “father” loved me the way a father shouldn’t. My “grandmothers” threw me away like trash. My “Grandfather” hasnt said a word to me.

The people I cried out to for support. Silent. I dont want anyone in my life who ever told me they wouldnt be here for me until the evidence prooved itself. I wont. Im not a battered up piece of garbage to be loved only on your own accords. Or left to fend for myself because they need “time.” Its sad. Its sad. My brother has been THE only Constant in my life since I was a kid.

“Family”. Doesnt Mean shit when your main concern is not standing by the victim because its “hard for you.”

Imagine how hard it is for the person that Actually lived like that. Just fucking imagine for one second. Imagine if you could have done something? Imagine if you could do something now?

Would you? What would Jesus do? Lol.

Whether you as a reader are the victim, or the victims “family” you know the right thing to do. Be strong.

The fight is almost over. You are closer today, then you were yesterday.

Love Ally

Entry #76

Dear Reader,

I woke up on Thursday feeling at peace. Kind of like once again I was searching for answers that I know I wouldn’t get right now and just accepting that. I really hate to admit that I’ve kind of been lost in my past so deeply the last week, maybe even longer, that Every single event in my life, the good and the bad was triggering. It some way. It either triggered negative emotions from having my guard up. Or more negative emotions because I almost felt good for a few minutes.

I was constantly nagging at myself in my head. Its exhausting. Literally more exhausting then letting myself feel this life. Yet I still found myself refusing to let myself feel anything.

I still struggle with the reality of how devastating some of the things that occured to me as a kid was. And I have come to the acceptance that I need some sort of medications to help me be a better me. I was really debating on how public I want to be about my current mental health, as everything I say can still be used against me, but I also remember that I wanted this blog to help other people who feel like me, know they are not alone.

Without going into too much detail, I find myself really straying off in my thoughts. Its caused me to spend alot of time sleeping, crying and just being completely incapable of loving myself. I have been reminded over the past few days of how much I didnt want to feel like that. Of how much I didn’t want any of this to effect my children. I feel like I try to distance myself from them to protect them, but I am also realizing how much it concerns them. Its amazing how much emotion there little minds can feel.

Because of this. I really do want to be fully present. Always. I dont want the good memories I am trying to make with them, be overcrowded by my anxiety or lack of focus.

My husband and I took the kids camping. I found myself really trying to enjoy the moment, but also being overstimulated and overwhelmed by every little thing as we were setting up camp. I felt my mind constantly trying to leave and it was pissing me off. But soon after I went out with my boys barefoot to hike around the lake and climb all over rocks. And I was happy. I saw the world through my kids eyes and I was really just in the moment with them. Searching for treasure and following Eris’ secret treasure map. It was a good reminder of why it is okay to feel.

That night, everytime I woke up and opened my eyes, I was surrounded by the beauty of the Night Sky. The stars just bright enough to create silhouettes of the trees around me. And each time I woke up, I felt like me. And I felt at peace and I breathed in the night air and allowed myself to soak up all of the love for this life I was feeling.

My daughter snuggled into my neck, and my son breathing in my ear. The shadow of my husbands chest slowly rising up and down. It was all a real moment. This was all really happening. And I really do get to live all these special moments. And replace all of those negative feelings about myself with my love for my kids, and the most precious memories I get to make with them.

And I just wanted to say that times are still going to be challenging. Medication is not just going to fix me. But I am hoping that It will give me the time I need to heal. So that I can be here for my babies and heal at the same time.

Love Ally

Entry #75

Dear Reader,

My brain is in the Sea. A sea of emotions that swell taking with it my understanding, just as it would swallow up a ship in a storm.

When Most people speak of the sea, they are talking about that calm blue water, or maybe even the gentle waves brushing up against the shore. But I’m not. Im talking about the black deep waters. Miles off shore. In the middle of a raging storm.

The Angry swells of rushing black waters being my forgotten childhood memories. I feel like I am living everything all over again. I cannot seperate my inner child from that feeling. And when I am present in my body I feel like I am still there. And I feel Pain. And I feel Sadness and I feel sorrow. I feel all of the things I didnt allow myself to feel in the moment.

It is like I am in the middle of that Raging sea with nothing but a Lifejacket. Just bobbing to the surface to gasp for air before being ripped back under the current.

I am trapped inside my own thoughts. Inside my own life. I have not posted in a while because I can’t seem to seperate my trauma, from my current life in words on a screen. Its better just not to think about it at all. Ive spent a majority of my life feeling a particular way inside of my own body. I felt numb, i felt like life wasnt happening and I had no control over anything. It was like I was watching someone else live for me.

But This week I am so lost. This week I haven’t been able to do hardly anything but think about it. And so I sleep. Because When I am awake I am still a child and when I am asleep I can just pretend that I am not here.

Or at least thats what I tell myself sometimes. But the truth is, I guess, that I am healing. That I am feeling the pain so I can move on from it because I never allowed myself to feel it. That I am screaming out in sadness for my inner child because I have never acknowledged her. That I am feeling the sorrow of loosing my parents yet experiencing the grief that they never were my parents in the first place.

I see her. I see Ally. I see her. I see her crippling anguish that was disguised as a fire, her whole life. I feel her tears that feel like glass shards scraping against her cheeks as they fall to the floor and into her hands. I feel her back and legs burning from the sensation of betrayal. I feel it all. I feel it all now so that I do not have to feel it later.

So that I can be a Mom. So I can be a wife. So I can be a friend. So I can be a sister. For real. As me. Healed and new. Without the shame, without my lack of trust, without my pain. Without my burdens. Without my guilt or my walls.

Please. Bare with me. Pray with me. Pray for me. Its really all we can do. I am broken. And I need time to heal.

Love Ally

Entry #74

Dear Reader,

Im still here. Im still here.

Quietly in this world not wanting to dissappear.

My Silent Voice whispering in the wind.

My screams you feel from deep within.

I hear a knock, I hear a hiss,

Oh surely you accepted the Devils Kiss.

The truth be told,

For Sins Grown Old.

The Angels sing a Biblical Psalm.

I Hear a knock, I hear a voice,

Oh surely, Yes I’ve made That Choice!

To let Her go, That Worldly flesh

The one who walked in certain Death.

But down you go,

Reaping what youve sewn.

You’re Prides being Ripped away.

You think you have tomorrow, but you Only Have Today.

I hear a knock, I hear a Prayer!

And In Comes the True Heir.

That Girl is Gone but I’m still here.

Heaven never Dissappears.

My Voice is Loud.

My screams are Proud.

My Silence Isnt Empty.

Love Ally

Entry #73

Dear Reader,

I used to think family literally meant family. That somehow my kids would lack somewhere in life from not having a close relationship with my abusers. I felt like I would be missing something if I didnt. But man! That is not the case! My children are not lacking anything. They Have a healthy mom whos mental health is inproving every day. The longer I am away from them the more I am healing.

This weekend I realized I have absolutely everything Ive ever wanted. Of course, Id love a bigger house, but it goes beyond that. I have happy, healthy, safe children. My children sense the difference. And it is a possitive difference. I beat myself up sometimes that they ever even knew them. Or that they ever knew me while I valued them. I am really praying that they do not even remember what we’ve been through and are going to go through this next year. I really hope that many years from now the life we have then Is all they know.

But if they do remember, I pray they remember all the good memories we have made since February. I pray they remember all of the real family that has rallied behind us. And the friends who have taken us in as family does. And the way Mommy clung to God. I hope they remember my faith. I hope they remember running in the house to tell me something and finding me sitting on the couch reading my Bible or folding laundry listening to worship music.

I hope they remember there Dad and I laughing at something one of us did in the kitchen. I pray they remember all the moments Ive spent playing the floor is lava and jumping on top of my couch, just before the timer goes off.

I hope they remember all the silly songs I memorized with them so I can scream it out just as loud as they do at the most random times.

I hope they remember playing jungle music in there room and traveling across the sinking sand, which was there rug, to the castle. I hope they remember the jungle shuttle on the way to see my horse in her new pasture this week. I hope they remember actually seeing monkey swinging through the trees of there hometown roads. I hope they remember how much we imagined.

These past five months have been eye opening beyond belief. But I am happier now. I have lost many relationships, but I have gained peace. I have learned how to value my own life. And I’ve come to learn that being involved in anyone elses is a privledge. As it is a privilege for those involved in mine. I have learned that I do not owe anyone my friendship. Nor do I owe any family my time. I give my time and my love to the people in my life who deserve it. The people who make an equal effort to know me.

I have learned what true friendship and family is. It shouldn’t come with a price or an expectation of praise.

I spent this weekend with the closest people to me and to my kids. I didnt feel like I was lacking in anything. I was surrounded by people who love me. Everything about me. Even my temper, or my lack of confidence, or even my moments of over confidence. The true people in my life know me. They know what boundries they can’t cross. They know the things they shouldn’t say. And we appologize to each other when we do mess up.

If My boys remember anything about this time. I hope they remember Me becoming Me. My own person. Not made by anyone else in the world and there influence. I hope they just see Me. And I hope everyone else does too.

Love Ally