Entry #73

Dear Reader,

I used to think family literally meant family. That somehow my kids would lack somewhere in life from not having a close relationship with my abusers. I felt like I would be missing something if I didnt. But man! That is not the case! My children are not lacking anything. They Have a healthy mom whos mental health is inproving every day. The longer I am away from them the more I am healing.

This weekend I realized I have absolutely everything Ive ever wanted. Of course, Id love a bigger house, but it goes beyond that. I have happy, healthy, safe children. My children sense the difference. And it is a possitive difference. I beat myself up sometimes that they ever even knew them. Or that they ever knew me while I valued them. I am really praying that they do not even remember what we’ve been through and are going to go through this next year. I really hope that many years from now the life we have then Is all they know.

But if they do remember, I pray they remember all the good memories we have made since February. I pray they remember all of the real family that has rallied behind us. And the friends who have taken us in as family does. And the way Mommy clung to God. I hope they remember my faith. I hope they remember running in the house to tell me something and finding me sitting on the couch reading my Bible or folding laundry listening to worship music.

I hope they remember there Dad and I laughing at something one of us did in the kitchen. I pray they remember all the moments Ive spent playing the floor is lava and jumping on top of my couch, just before the timer goes off.

I hope they remember all the silly songs I memorized with them so I can scream it out just as loud as they do at the most random times.

I hope they remember playing jungle music in there room and traveling across the sinking sand, which was there rug, to the castle. I hope they remember the jungle shuttle on the way to see my horse in her new pasture this week. I hope they remember actually seeing monkey swinging through the trees of there hometown roads. I hope they remember how much we imagined.

These past five months have been eye opening beyond belief. But I am happier now. I have lost many relationships, but I have gained peace. I have learned how to value my own life. And I’ve come to learn that being involved in anyone elses is a privledge. As it is a privilege for those involved in mine. I have learned that I do not owe anyone my friendship. Nor do I owe any family my time. I give my time and my love to the people in my life who deserve it. The people who make an equal effort to know me.

I have learned what true friendship and family is. It shouldn’t come with a price or an expectation of praise.

I spent this weekend with the closest people to me and to my kids. I didnt feel like I was lacking in anything. I was surrounded by people who love me. Everything about me. Even my temper, or my lack of confidence, or even my moments of over confidence. The true people in my life know me. They know what boundries they can’t cross. They know the things they shouldn’t say. And we appologize to each other when we do mess up.

If My boys remember anything about this time. I hope they remember Me becoming Me. My own person. Not made by anyone else in the world and there influence. I hope they just see Me. And I hope everyone else does too.

Love Ally