Entry #75

Dear Reader,

My brain is in the Sea. A sea of emotions that swell taking with it my understanding, just as it would swallow up a ship in a storm.

When Most people speak of the sea, they are talking about that calm blue water, or maybe even the gentle waves brushing up against the shore. But I’m not. Im talking about the black deep waters. Miles off shore. In the middle of a raging storm.

The Angry swells of rushing black waters being my forgotten childhood memories. I feel like I am living everything all over again. I cannot seperate my inner child from that feeling. And when I am present in my body I feel like I am still there. And I feel Pain. And I feel Sadness and I feel sorrow. I feel all of the things I didnt allow myself to feel in the moment.

It is like I am in the middle of that Raging sea with nothing but a Lifejacket. Just bobbing to the surface to gasp for air before being ripped back under the current.

I am trapped inside my own thoughts. Inside my own life. I have not posted in a while because I can’t seem to seperate my trauma, from my current life in words on a screen. Its better just not to think about it at all. Ive spent a majority of my life feeling a particular way inside of my own body. I felt numb, i felt like life wasnt happening and I had no control over anything. It was like I was watching someone else live for me.

But This week I am so lost. This week I haven’t been able to do hardly anything but think about it. And so I sleep. Because When I am awake I am still a child and when I am asleep I can just pretend that I am not here.

Or at least thats what I tell myself sometimes. But the truth is, I guess, that I am healing. That I am feeling the pain so I can move on from it because I never allowed myself to feel it. That I am screaming out in sadness for my inner child because I have never acknowledged her. That I am feeling the sorrow of loosing my parents yet experiencing the grief that they never were my parents in the first place.

I see her. I see Ally. I see her. I see her crippling anguish that was disguised as a fire, her whole life. I feel her tears that feel like glass shards scraping against her cheeks as they fall to the floor and into her hands. I feel her back and legs burning from the sensation of betrayal. I feel it all. I feel it all now so that I do not have to feel it later.

So that I can be a Mom. So I can be a wife. So I can be a friend. So I can be a sister. For real. As me. Healed and new. Without the shame, without my lack of trust, without my pain. Without my burdens. Without my guilt or my walls.

Please. Bare with me. Pray with me. Pray for me. Its really all we can do. I am broken. And I need time to heal.

Love Ally