Entry #76

Dear Reader,

I woke up on Thursday feeling at peace. Kind of like once again I was searching for answers that I know I wouldn’t get right now and just accepting that. I really hate to admit that I’ve kind of been lost in my past so deeply the last week, maybe even longer, that Every single event in my life, the good and the bad was triggering. It some way. It either triggered negative emotions from having my guard up. Or more negative emotions because I almost felt good for a few minutes.

I was constantly nagging at myself in my head. Its exhausting. Literally more exhausting then letting myself feel this life. Yet I still found myself refusing to let myself feel anything.

I still struggle with the reality of how devastating some of the things that occured to me as a kid was. And I have come to the acceptance that I need some sort of medications to help me be a better me. I was really debating on how public I want to be about my current mental health, as everything I say can still be used against me, but I also remember that I wanted this blog to help other people who feel like me, know they are not alone.

Without going into too much detail, I find myself really straying off in my thoughts. Its caused me to spend alot of time sleeping, crying and just being completely incapable of loving myself. I have been reminded over the past few days of how much I didnt want to feel like that. Of how much I didn’t want any of this to effect my children. I feel like I try to distance myself from them to protect them, but I am also realizing how much it concerns them. Its amazing how much emotion there little minds can feel.

Because of this. I really do want to be fully present. Always. I dont want the good memories I am trying to make with them, be overcrowded by my anxiety or lack of focus.

My husband and I took the kids camping. I found myself really trying to enjoy the moment, but also being overstimulated and overwhelmed by every little thing as we were setting up camp. I felt my mind constantly trying to leave and it was pissing me off. But soon after I went out with my boys barefoot to hike around the lake and climb all over rocks. And I was happy. I saw the world through my kids eyes and I was really just in the moment with them. Searching for treasure and following Eris’ secret treasure map. It was a good reminder of why it is okay to feel.

That night, everytime I woke up and opened my eyes, I was surrounded by the beauty of the Night Sky. The stars just bright enough to create silhouettes of the trees around me. And each time I woke up, I felt like me. And I felt at peace and I breathed in the night air and allowed myself to soak up all of the love for this life I was feeling.

My daughter snuggled into my neck, and my son breathing in my ear. The shadow of my husbands chest slowly rising up and down. It was all a real moment. This was all really happening. And I really do get to live all these special moments. And replace all of those negative feelings about myself with my love for my kids, and the most precious memories I get to make with them.

And I just wanted to say that times are still going to be challenging. Medication is not just going to fix me. But I am hoping that It will give me the time I need to heal. So that I can be here for my babies and heal at the same time.

Love Ally