Dear Reader, Love Ally

Living in what Is Entry #11

Dear Reader,

Acceptance. A step in recovering from Childhood Trauma. A word, and a feeling that I struggle with often. How do you just accept what happened? Thats the easy part honestly. Whats hard to accept is whats still happening. What will always happen. Everyday that goes on with the truth hidden behind a piece of paper is another day I have to accept that my past “family” isn’t speaking to me.

I find myseld having to look beyond that. At the peace I will have no matter what. Accepting what is and finding peace to move on. I feel like I didnt get to say goodbye and I didnt realize Id ever have to. Its like they died except its worse because they didnt die. They still breath air. They still think. And they still actively make a choice daily. And each passing day is just another tick closer to midnight on my clock. When the bell toll goes off itd be Tomorrow. And Tomorrow I am free. Freed more everyday.

I will be at peace knowing I did everytbing I needed to do for me, myself, My kids and I. I put my real family first. My blood. The hearts that are a piece of mine beating outside of my body. They will never feel what I felt. Like they aren’t important enough. They will always be my priority. Forever until they are old enough to run.

Love Ally

Living in What is Entry #10

Dear Reader,

I got a whole lot of angry to release today. Bottled up emotions that feel like dinomite shoved into a hole in my brain. The fuse not being lit, however every now and then something happens where a spark almost lights that dinomite. Sometimes the flame is so small it begins to burn the fuse, however the truth In who I am is able to put that flames out before it becomes hot enough to cause an explosion.

Ill be honest, if that dinomite explodes I don’t know what I am capable of doing consumed with so much Anger. All of my voice of reasoning belongs to my kids. Because if it weren’t for my kids Id be able to be alot more “Bold.” I think sometimes my past people forget this. I think sometimes they forget that even though I am a mom I am still that girl that felt all of those things done to me by there hands. They’ve seen me so Angry, multiple times, since I was a child. Over the past couple of weeks several sparks have set off that fuse and I am fucking pissed.

For a brief moment today, I realized how short that fuse is becoming and I am coming closer and closer to khaos in my mind. I realized how much power I have over myself. I went on with my day today after running into someone from my past.

I went home and I thought i was going to stay home all day. Crying like a baby about how empty It feels to loose these people.

I cried. I screamed. I felt my entire body shaking with adreneline. But you know? I grounded myself. Went back to Tractor Supply. Bought that damn chicken feed. And went grocery shopping after. I did that. I am so capable.

So while I wait for Karma. Or whatever you want to call it. Justice. Revenge? I will continue to enjoy my life. And grow up with my kids. And find myself. Trusting God and His Plan every moment of the day. Im climbing a mountain and we are almost on Top. All the pieces of me that hung on to memories of the love I had for all of them is slowly grieving and soon I won’t care. I will never have to worry about my words. And whoever I want to be is coming.

I realize I dont deserve to have to fight so hard to be loved. I am loved By God Alone and thats all that matters. And because of this I don’t feel the need to scramble around feeling sorry for other people who have seen me at my worst. Have seen the pain run across my body. But they do not care. They do not understand. And I am lucky enough to be free from that shit. And be seen by people who love me. And will continue to grow with me. Ill always be changing.

So the things that spark my pain will never have power over me anymore. I have a middle finger, and Im throwing it right at them.

Hope you enjoyed my twisted thoughts.

Love Ally

Living in What is Entry #9

Dear Reader,

While I am very thankful for the veterans who have put there lives on the line for our country, as well as uprooted the lives of there families to go to there postings. I feel like today is a good time for me to speak about how corrupt our viewpoint of veterans is.

I was raised by two veterans. Most of my childhood was spent with my Male Guardian being in active duty. I think it is important to note that during this time there was a report made about the abuse going on in my home, and the military did not do much investigating. And unfortunately the military covers for pedophiles that hide beneath your noses, and use the military as a way to hide in plain site.

I was molested both on and off bases. Several times at my Guardians place of work and it apparently went unnoticed. I highly doubt it was unknown by the people working around him when he brought two girls down into a cement office to violate them.

I remember thinking they were all just blind. Now I realize, The risk he took to strip us there. He mustve known noone would walk in.

And surely they mustve seen my face when I walked out and back through the halls. I dont think a child could hide it. Someone mustve known that something was wrong. And I am sure someone did but Noone said anything because everyone knew nothing would be done, because he was a veteran.

So while it is important to respect our veterans, it also important to realize, that not every single one of them is a good person. Not every single one of them deserves your respect. And as for the Military itself, I don’t believe they actually care about there children. I believe that not only do they actually know pedophilia is a problem within them, but they also do the best they can to Cover the tracks. Because of the loss of respect it would cause.

I have publicly defended my abuser and used his status of being a veteran as a way to defend his actions. And while I realize the mistake I made by doing that now, I also realize I had him in my ear manipulating me to sympathize with him whenever he was accused. They used there children, there religion, and there military status to cover the tracks of there behaviors. And the constant moving of homes to escape from the Truth of what they were.

While Today Is a Day to Thank Our Veterans, it is Also A Day to Remind Them That they work for the government, and the government works For Us.

Love Ally

Living in What is Entry #8

Dear Reader,

I am feeling mostly back to myself today. I came across an old live I did 4 years ago and watching myself be so confident made me miss those days. I can not wait to be more confident again in myself! My current opinions and beliefs are very new to me, and I have a hard time justifying why I feel the way I do now. And I feel myself really taking a step back when people make comments that might offend me, I just let it go now latwly instead of being like “um excuse me.”

Im pretty armadillo like inside my feelings so if I feel triggered I curl up into a little ball and hide inside myself. I know one day I with have the mental strength to spark more conversations again as time goes on. Sometimes I forget how Opinionated I use to be. Now I just keep it to myself for the most part.

I think its because If I start ranting I just wont know when to stop and Right now I feel alot of Anger about several situations going on. The biggest being, what we all know. And while I would love to watch my Abusers suffer I also remember that God wants them to have every opportunity to make things right with both Him, and there families. Chances are they will not do that. So I may still get to watch there lives fall apart, however I still pray that they repent so We can be a family in Heaven without all this pain they have caused. I think thats the gift God has given all of us, that Hope and Compassion and Grace. Its hard even for me to understand, because as Much as my worldly self really hates them, Spiritually I do not. Spiritually I will pray for them to make things Right one Day. Because what happened here on Earth will not matter anymore. It is saddening to me That They have chosen worldy desires of there flesh, and materliastic homes or a solid reputation built on the lies surrounding there life. The false reality they have created will one day crumble, and I do know that.

I came across a verse yesterday that I felt helped me better Understand my Anger.

Jonah 4. To sum it up Jonah was very Upset at God for His compassion. But the Lord said in Jonah 4:11. ” And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more then a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell there right hand from there left—and also many animals?”

God compassion, is for Everyone, not Just me. He cannot be expected to throw anyone into the lake of fire, without first giving them all the opportunity to feel His Love.

Even those who have attempted to Destroy me. And Like Jonah, I still feel Angry, but I also feel at peace Knowing His Judgement will come. And He is Just.

His word is the Only Way I find Peace during this Darkness Surrounding me.

Love Ally

Living in What is Entry #7

Dear Reader,

As I write this I want to make it known both to you and myself, that these feelings I am expressing are not a result of my being defeated or brought down by my enemies. It is the real raw emotion that I feel and that any victim whos suffered like I have would feel. I am sharing these feelings in hopes that someone who reads this feels the same as I do and I want them to know they are not alone. I want them to be able to power through. These feelings are okay to feel and you are not weak or at a loss of control for feeling them. You are feeling them because YOU are in control now. You are feeling them because of the influence these people might have had on you throughout your life. You are feeling them because the actions that occur inflict pain. Amd that is the enemy’s intentions. But I just want to say I hold hope and know that one day things will get better. And the words and doings of my abusers will be something I can laugh about. So hold on to that.There is something funny about being content and watching your abusers scramble to uproot your life. So just don’t let them. Make them absolutely nothing in your head. Make them what they are, irrelevant, narcissistic, attention thirsty abusers. That make you want to barf at the mention of there name. And I mean that in a funny way. Like “ewwwwwe i stepped in dog shiiiiiiiit” *barf* Okay. Back to being serious.

I miss the quietness of my brain. Its only been a little over a week since Ive felt it. But I am starting to forget what that feels like. To have my thoughts to myself. Just one channel I am constantly arguing in my head right now amd feeling so many different emotions that all the channels of my brain are in a huge quarrel. Its like Im still myself, with lots of different opinions. About how someones looking at me, about how i am interacting. I feel a huge detachment when Im in awkward situations. Normally I can catch myself real quick and say shut up just be You Now, but when my brain is as overstimulated as it is, due to the recent events in my life, I have a hard time doing that.

And normally I can accept and move on. Just another day. But then sometimes, its not just another day, its today, and today I am sad. And ‘today’ for the past several days I felt sad again. I felt a very deep pain again. I realized every now and then; for the rest of my life, I am going to feel like this again and the thought of that buries me down deeper. It takes me realizing that every day I get through I am becoming stronger, stronger in who I am. And the more I realize that the more Ive been able to laugh. To laugh, to cry, to accept and to move on.

I realize that all of His wrath will be felt in His Timing and that my anger cannot inflict the amount of power that His wrath will bring. I contimplated many things over the past week. Regarding my Abusers attempt to provoke me. And for a minute, It felt like they won. I sat in my car for a long time last night, trying not to drive the car straight down to hell to confront those bastard people. But I didnt. And more then likely they will find a way to read this, so they can twist my words and find away to lie some more. But lets just hope they dont. However It isnt against the law to imagine saying everything you want to say, or need to say to the people who hurt you. And if you can say it then do it! But if you can’t, I feel your pain. I feel it deeply. Its like having your hands tied behind your back and your mouth duck taped shut. But try to picture your life without them. With your kids, or your pets, or your family. And just imagine that one day there will be a right time to say what you need to say. And you have so many things to peocess so that you can say exactly what you need to say to heal. But you’ll be grounded and will remember every moment that you looked into there eyes and told them what a piece of shit they were to you. But how there biggest attempt to destroy you is what made you such a strong person . And while you have the rest of your life, they have lived all of theres. They are going nowhere. And you are going anywhere you choose to go.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6

I have the rest of my life, we have the rest of our lives, lets not spend it all being mad. Lets just enjoy all the things we have to look forward to.

Love Ally

Living in what is Entry #6

Dear Reader,

I often find myself wondering why Ive had so many emotional break downs over everything happening in my life. It can be over things that I know I have already fully accepted. But every now and then I am reminded that there are still some fragments of my mind that do not want to cone out. Those parts, of me are still processing what is happening, and that all of this is real. Some parts of me still want to believe they cared about me, because to admit that they dont would be painful again. But with each milestone passed, including the set backs, gives every fragment of my mind the validation it needs to accept move on and learn to live with it.

That is why I know I still have many break downs ahead of me, many heartbreaks, and more realization over the next several years of my life, as I allow each fragment to heal and remember. Remembering is how Ive been able to move on. Because lying to myself or pretending nothing happened was easier for me. Its what my brain needed to do to move on to survive so my heart could remember to keep pumping. And when each fragment got too tired, she would close off and open up a new part of her brain. Just start over. And over again. Unlocking each one is just allowing every single part of me to process, accept and feel the pain we didnt want to feel, once I feel that pain, and have that breakdown, I move on from that part of my life. I still feel many many burdens of pain and memories that I just want to ignore. Each one takes its own time to heal, some just a day, some parts a couple days. And sometimes I just personally cant handle all those feelings anymore so I just have to close them down and focus on my family. Distract myself.

Routine. routine. routine. Dont think. Therapy every week.

Move on. Move one. Move on. Accept. The pain was just too deep.

Keep living. Keep living. Keep living. Learn. to keep living.

Reverse. Reverse everything you were taught.

This time everytime I fall, I know I have God to catch me, put me back and keep writing my story. He is using the bad, healing my wounds, turning it all into good. And without Him, I don’t think I could. I know, I wouldn’t be able to live through it.

This is just one part. Of the rest of my life. One journey, several hurdles, only gaining height.

God didnt create the World to destroy me, he created Me to Destroy the hate in this world. The evil done in the name of His Word.

And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:10

🎶This is my story. This my song. I live for my Savior All the Day Long!🎶

Love Ally

Living in What is Entry #5

Dear Reader,

I feel an overwhelming sense of relief as I write this, but also an overbearing amount of grief as well. I officially recieved the court issued no contact order regarding my civil case with my adopted parents. They officially cannot legally contact me or my family ever again. And while this is exactly what I wanted. Staring at there signatures on paper, it was hard for me to accept that I have literally never meant anything to them through out my entire life.

What a way to live. The way I lived. And the way I am living now. Its finally over. However I still feel so sad for the little girl in me that will forever be left feeling abandoned and alone. I will never have parents that love me. And as heartbreaking as that is for me. It is also healing to accept that. I am filing for a new birth certificate to remove there names from mine. As I do not feel the need to have any connection to them remain. And while I write this I know that they feel relief too for signing this contract. Because now they get to hide all those lies that I was trying to uncover. And while I am sure they thought they bought my silence, they did not.

I can never post or write there names again. But that does not take away from my story or the fact that I will still struggle for many years to come. And it does not take away from the parts of my story that need continue to be told. The good, the bad and the ugly. Or Such as how anyone can heal from child hood sexual abuse trauma. Its not easy, I am a perfect example of that. But it is possible. I will continue to be as vulnerable as I can allow myself to be. And will do my best in allowing you,as readers, to watch me heal, process and live in this life free from the abuse that bound me. And no longer silenced by the people who took my childhood away from me. I cannot Go back. But I will continue to push forward each day. As I know the sadness I feel is not forever. But the strength, healing, and happiness, is forever.

I look forward to the new life ahead of me and a better tomorrow.

Love Ally

Living in What is Entry #4

Dear Reader,

I have spent all of my life hating change. Yet spent most days not making plans or planning ahead. My thought process with that was that if I dont think too much ahead then I wont get frustrated when plans change.

I thought that way about life too. Dont think about the future, just think about today, and that is okay, sometimes. But everyday? It was like I put life on pause in my head. Now I can’t keep the wheels from turning thinking about all of the memories that lie ahead.

Every morning I go on a walk with my two younger kids after we drop The oldest off at school. And the more I do that, the more I smile, the more happy I feel. Just knowing that these morning routines that make me feel grounded, are what my kids are going to remember when they think back on what it was like growing up here. I’ve never really loved my home before. I never really consider anywhere home because I viewed everything as only temporary. I never knew where life would take me so It was better not to feel too comfortable. Now I want to make this place my home, there home. I want them to miss it when they are in college. I want them to feel like a walk besides the creek in the middle of the night is soothing for them when they are overwhlemed by life, rather then finding the biggest party.

I want them to feel grounded here, just as much as I do now. And I imagine 10 years down the road how much more at home I will feel. And it brings me joy to think agead to that future. When My mind doesnt wander back to my childhood as much. Where I dont get as triggered my certain conversations or people. I try to imagine a full healed me, to get through the brokeness I feel now.

Having a regular routine has had a huge impact on my mental health. And To be honest I was kind of laughing in my head when my therapist suggested it as if it was going to solve all my problems. But I am over a month into consistenty and it really has solved a majority of them. Yes it doesnt change whats happened to me. But it has changed the control it had over me. It has changed how each day of my life flows. I know ehat to expect, my kids know what to expect, and they look forward to the next time the alarm on my phone goes off because that means we are on to the next thing for the day. Monday through friday, we do that same types of things throughout the entire day and there is less arguing, less fighting between the two. And alot more positive and deeper conversations. Since we all know what to expect, we can allow ourselves to live in the moment more, and Our brains all have an easier time processing emotions.

I am extremely proud of myself. I am not just becoming a better Mom, I am becoming a better version of myself. I am learning to love every part of me. Even the parts that trouble me. I am learning how my brain works and I am better understanding of my own emotions, and because of that I am able to control those emotions in stressful situations, most of the time. And I just keep getting better and better. I believe I am beyond the point of backtracking when it comes to my Mental Health.

I am truely looking forward to the new memories in store for me tomorrow.

Love Ally

Living in What is Entry #3

Dear Reader,

Today was a day filled with laughter, reading, conversations, imagination and playfulness. Being back in my routine is nice! I have a lot more confidence throughout the day. And I am able to socialize and make jokes or relate to random peoples conversations, which then I find we share something on common and I am able to start a conversation, get to know a stranger and I genuinely feel really happy when I have possitive interactions with so many people. And yet it not being all at once.

I am able to mentally prepare myself for what kind of day lies ahead with a routine, rather then when I do things so randomly.

The boys are both at ages where they ask questions, interact and can have longer conversations. They are there own tiny little persons and each have wildly different personalities and opinions. So no conversation about the same topic feels repetitive with them. I learn different things from each of them. And they both teach me perspectives. And how important it is to not be so solid in my opinions, or not take things as personally. Because you know what, they dont mean to hurt my feelings, or anyones. When they ask or tell me something its just an opinion they’ve learned, and whether I agree or disagree it won’t matter as long as I listen to them, respect them, and love them. Obviously try to guide them in the right direction, but I never want to push them. Because Pushing creates pulling, and when my kids pull away from me they dont value my opinion, or my teachings, it becomes meaningless. Children Learn by example, and how I interact with everyone in front of them along the way, is an example of the kind of human beings I want them to become. Kind, Loving, understanding.

I have taken things personally my entire life, no matter who the person was Or what there age was. I felt like I must have given them a reason to talk to me in that tone, or say those words, or give me a look. It literally did not matter, I questioned every interaction I had and wondered if the person was faking it, because sometimes I was. And Id been surrounded by people who act one way in public and another way at home, so I didnt ever know how to act. I imitated the person I was interacting with because I didn’t know who I was as a person. And I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Now I am becoming my own person. Some of my opinions are not the same anymore, and I am just now learning how to speak up for myself.

Anyways I am rambling. My point is I want my boys to have enough confidence in themselves and who they are as a person that They always stand up for what they believe in. So I am welcoming there questions, and there reactions to my answers.

And when they are stressing me the F out, I try to remind myself that they have Major feelings inside there tiny little brains and hearts. Sometimes I have a hard time coping with my own feelings. So, why shouldnt they?

Looking forward to the new moments of another Tomorrow!

Love Ally

Living in What is Entry #2

Dear Reader,

Each passing day is getting easier. Staying grounded can be exhausting. Its amazing how much effort it takes for my mind to feel like a normal human being. But It has been getting easier.

I’ve found that a routine really helps me. I know what to expect throughout the day, and My kids do too. The past couple weeks we were all sick and stuck at home, it was another realization that the routine really does help, both me and the children. But it also makes the day go by faster, my mind doesn’t wander as often and I am able to build a relationship with my children on a deeper level.

Morning walks with Kuiper and Cami can make my whole day. Just being able to look back at my morning when I am feeling down and say “hey you already went for a walk, got coffee and breakfast and Kuiper played at the park.” It reminds me that I am making memories with him everyday. That are possitive. So when things start getting messy throughout the day we can both go back to that morning. “Hey remember when we saw that bird this morning on our walk? It was really pretty!” And that distraction of those possitive feelings can really help get us back on track to having possitive communication.

The past several days have been challenging for me as far as trying to process alot of my emotions . It is extremely interesting that when certain feelings come up, instead of reacting to them immediately and allowing those feelings to take over my entire brain, I am able to process them. And sometimes I talk about those feelings, and sometimes I dont. But the sorrow and the grief and the anger that swells up inside me, doesnt take over all day anymore. Sometimes it doesnt happen at all in a 24 hour period. It still happens, I still find myself to be a sobbing mess. But its less often and days apart.

Today was day two of me and the kids not feeling like zombies over the past two weeks. And we spent most of our morning enjoying the place we live in. The place we call home. The boys splashed in the creek with friends that they had just met. And we stayed for hours. It was peaceful for me, I Imagined them growing up here and for the first time in a while I welcomed the idea of it. I’ve been wanting to do nothing more but run from this town, and this county and even this state. Because the area has so many negative memories for me. But thanks to Therapy and the laughter of my kids, I am starting to see it as my husband’s home, as there home and as My Home as well. I can make all the new memories here, with them, and make them memories I always wanted. They deserve that.

Then we spent the entire evening outside in the backyard with the chickens. I scrame out “red light green light” for the boys while I painted on there little table. They played in the dirt, on the swings and we stayed out there until it got dark. I feel like I am starting to become Me again and I am excited for my future.

I am finally accepting what is. What this life is now. What this life was. And what this life does not have to be. Nothing it the way I pictured it, but everything is becoming the way God wants it. The way it was meant to be. Surrounded by Love and the Safetyness of my family. And knowing that I am doing Everything in my power as a Mother to make Our Lives The Best I possibly can.

Love Ally