Dear Reader,
Each passing day is getting easier. Staying grounded can be exhausting. Its amazing how much effort it takes for my mind to feel like a normal human being. But It has been getting easier.
I’ve found that a routine really helps me. I know what to expect throughout the day, and My kids do too. The past couple weeks we were all sick and stuck at home, it was another realization that the routine really does help, both me and the children. But it also makes the day go by faster, my mind doesn’t wander as often and I am able to build a relationship with my children on a deeper level.
Morning walks with Kuiper and Cami can make my whole day. Just being able to look back at my morning when I am feeling down and say “hey you already went for a walk, got coffee and breakfast and Kuiper played at the park.” It reminds me that I am making memories with him everyday. That are possitive. So when things start getting messy throughout the day we can both go back to that morning. “Hey remember when we saw that bird this morning on our walk? It was really pretty!” And that distraction of those possitive feelings can really help get us back on track to having possitive communication.
The past several days have been challenging for me as far as trying to process alot of my emotions . It is extremely interesting that when certain feelings come up, instead of reacting to them immediately and allowing those feelings to take over my entire brain, I am able to process them. And sometimes I talk about those feelings, and sometimes I dont. But the sorrow and the grief and the anger that swells up inside me, doesnt take over all day anymore. Sometimes it doesnt happen at all in a 24 hour period. It still happens, I still find myself to be a sobbing mess. But its less often and days apart.
Today was day two of me and the kids not feeling like zombies over the past two weeks. And we spent most of our morning enjoying the place we live in. The place we call home. The boys splashed in the creek with friends that they had just met. And we stayed for hours. It was peaceful for me, I Imagined them growing up here and for the first time in a while I welcomed the idea of it. I’ve been wanting to do nothing more but run from this town, and this county and even this state. Because the area has so many negative memories for me. But thanks to Therapy and the laughter of my kids, I am starting to see it as my husband’s home, as there home and as My Home as well. I can make all the new memories here, with them, and make them memories I always wanted. They deserve that.
Then we spent the entire evening outside in the backyard with the chickens. I scrame out “red light green light” for the boys while I painted on there little table. They played in the dirt, on the swings and we stayed out there until it got dark. I feel like I am starting to become Me again and I am excited for my future.
I am finally accepting what is. What this life is now. What this life was. And what this life does not have to be. Nothing it the way I pictured it, but everything is becoming the way God wants it. The way it was meant to be. Surrounded by Love and the Safetyness of my family. And knowing that I am doing Everything in my power as a Mother to make Our Lives The Best I possibly can.
Love Ally
