Dear Reader,
As I write this I want to make it known both to you and myself, that these feelings I am expressing are not a result of my being defeated or brought down by my enemies. It is the real raw emotion that I feel and that any victim whos suffered like I have would feel. I am sharing these feelings in hopes that someone who reads this feels the same as I do and I want them to know they are not alone. I want them to be able to power through. These feelings are okay to feel and you are not weak or at a loss of control for feeling them. You are feeling them because YOU are in control now. You are feeling them because of the influence these people might have had on you throughout your life. You are feeling them because the actions that occur inflict pain. Amd that is the enemy’s intentions. But I just want to say I hold hope and know that one day things will get better. And the words and doings of my abusers will be something I can laugh about. So hold on to that.There is something funny about being content and watching your abusers scramble to uproot your life. So just don’t let them. Make them absolutely nothing in your head. Make them what they are, irrelevant, narcissistic, attention thirsty abusers. That make you want to barf at the mention of there name. And I mean that in a funny way. Like “ewwwwwe i stepped in dog shiiiiiiiit” *barf* Okay. Back to being serious.
I miss the quietness of my brain. Its only been a little over a week since Ive felt it. But I am starting to forget what that feels like. To have my thoughts to myself. Just one channel I am constantly arguing in my head right now amd feeling so many different emotions that all the channels of my brain are in a huge quarrel. Its like Im still myself, with lots of different opinions. About how someones looking at me, about how i am interacting. I feel a huge detachment when Im in awkward situations. Normally I can catch myself real quick and say shut up just be You Now, but when my brain is as overstimulated as it is, due to the recent events in my life, I have a hard time doing that.
And normally I can accept and move on. Just another day. But then sometimes, its not just another day, its today, and today I am sad. And ‘today’ for the past several days I felt sad again. I felt a very deep pain again. I realized every now and then; for the rest of my life, I am going to feel like this again and the thought of that buries me down deeper. It takes me realizing that every day I get through I am becoming stronger, stronger in who I am. And the more I realize that the more Ive been able to laugh. To laugh, to cry, to accept and to move on.
I realize that all of His wrath will be felt in His Timing and that my anger cannot inflict the amount of power that His wrath will bring. I contimplated many things over the past week. Regarding my Abusers attempt to provoke me. And for a minute, It felt like they won. I sat in my car for a long time last night, trying not to drive the car straight down to hell to confront those bastard people. But I didnt. And more then likely they will find a way to read this, so they can twist my words and find away to lie some more. But lets just hope they dont. However It isnt against the law to imagine saying everything you want to say, or need to say to the people who hurt you. And if you can say it then do it! But if you can’t, I feel your pain. I feel it deeply. Its like having your hands tied behind your back and your mouth duck taped shut. But try to picture your life without them. With your kids, or your pets, or your family. And just imagine that one day there will be a right time to say what you need to say. And you have so many things to peocess so that you can say exactly what you need to say to heal. But you’ll be grounded and will remember every moment that you looked into there eyes and told them what a piece of shit they were to you. But how there biggest attempt to destroy you is what made you such a strong person . And while you have the rest of your life, they have lived all of theres. They are going nowhere. And you are going anywhere you choose to go.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
I have the rest of my life, we have the rest of our lives, lets not spend it all being mad. Lets just enjoy all the things we have to look forward to.
Love Ally
Dear Reader, Love Ally 