Entry #79

Dear Reader,

What a week it has been!! I have really been doing my best to keep myself busy, especially since Ive been feeling a little more like myself over the past couple weeks. It was easy for me to forget how active I like to be.

My pregnancy with My daughter was physically very hard on me and I had to stop doing alot of things I loved. Then after I had her the pain didnt stop for a while. And then the emotional pain was happening as well on top of it all. I really lost myself to being a homebody. And I struggled with keeping up on social appearances as well as staying up to date with friends.

My biggest defense mechanism is to close myself off. Avoid drama. Limit contact with people and just go about my business at home avoiding eye contact with anyone and everyone. Just something as simple as going to the grocery store, even with my husband, was mentally exhausting.

I’ve done a damn good job filtering out the negative people in my life. And I am still actively blocking people to this day. I’ve learned the best thing to do for myself is let people believe what they want to believe, its not my Job to convince them. The Truth will be told soon enough and I don’t really care to have people in my life who aren’t backing me up one hundred percent. This included alot of people who I thought were my family. I believe I only have one set of fingers worth of family still actively involved in my life.

This change has definitely had a possitive impact on my mental health.

I made a mistake recently of unblocking and reaching out to someone. Why I put myself through the mental stress of even searching for answers is beyond me. As I know I will never get the answers I am looking for. However we all want things we cant have.

For example, I want to believe that the person I unblocked still loves me in some way. Deep down. That they would tell me all the reasons why they wronged me. Just because they love me enough to be a part of my healing. I want to believe that. But its not true.

I am broken, because of them. And they don’t want healing. They enjoy my brokenness. However, my brokeness, brings me peace.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10”

“You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your fathers desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44“

So I do not hear them. The lies that once rang in my ears. I do not feel them here. There is only One power in my life and that is God. The enemy can not influence me. The enemy cannot communicate with me. Satin tells me to open those doors, but God shuts them for a reason. He rebukes the Devil in the name of Jesus and all that is Holy. He strikes me dead from the lives of Jezebels and evil doers. Because I may as well be. The enemy doesnt deserve that right. They want it. But we can’t always have what we want.

Love Ally