Dear Reader,

She doesnt get to sit there in my county, in my world amd say that she has done nothing wrong. She does not get to claim that I am the problem. She does not get to use my mental health, that she caused, against me. She does not have the power. I do.

She chose this. Despite what she wants people to believe. She wants everyone to believe that I randomly woke up and decided I want nothing to do with her and she has no idea why. She does not get to play victim and say she tried her best to be a good mother. Because she didnt.

She raised me to believe the reason we couldn’t tell anyone about His sexual abuse was because SHE would loose me. And she assured me that I surely wouldnt want that as she had done nothing wrong to me. And because the abuse Arthur was putting upon me was the worst of the worse that could possibly happen to a child. I believed her.

But she did everything wrong. She didn’t protect me from Arthur. She didnt stand by me. She Chose Guy Sheble. She always has. And He is a dumb dits. He never would have gotten away with being a pedophile for this long if it wasnt for Angela. And her overpowering manipulation.

She has had every opportunity to choose her daughter. Again and again and again. And she never did. Even now.

But because I am am adult. And a mother of my own three wonderful children. I know. That I would not only not sit in silence at my childs abuse. But I would do everything in my power to save them from that abuser. No matter who that person was.

And she did not do that for me. She will lie and act like she hasn’t had countless conversations amongst me and Guy and my siblings. She will lie and say she didnt know the full details. But yet shes seen some of it with her own eyes. She would say that as a mother she didnt know what to do. But she knows what to do now. She knows every detail and yet she still spews false words out of her mouth about her innocence.

She is the most evil one of all as far as I am concerned because SHE ALWAYS helps him get away with it.

I will not be silent. I will fight this Fight to Proove to them, that I have the power now. And they have nothing.

Sincerely Love Ally

Dear Reader,

I just dont want this to be the thing that holds me back. I don’t want my fear of pain, the pain I felt, to be my set back.

The truth is who we are is always based on what it was like as a child. I know 10 years from now something from my childhood will effect me in some way, whether it be my confidence or my shame or my guilt. But I will know how to face it. With God on my Side. Because He walks with us always, even through our dark times in life, this whole life because we will always be His children.

And Hes walking with my kids to. Even during there dark times. But there dark times will not overcome the good things they feel when they are with mom. When they are with me. Because I walk with God. And with God alone.

Love Ally

Dear Reader,

Silence. It echoes. It echoes through my head like the splash of a pebble would echo through a cavern.

It speaks volumes. The silence of some of the people Ive told. The unanswered phone calls I make. The victim who stood beside me while I was abused, but isn’t able to stand by me now. And I know Its not her fault.

But the Silence hurts. I imagine what it would be like to be her when I was silent. I cant help but feel sorrow for the fact that nothing I can do now will make up for not being there for her. But at the same time. I can only try so hard to be there for everyone else.

Sometimes I have to just be there for me. And that okay.

Silence can be good too. It can mean you have time to process things. It gives you time to hold your tongue. And sometimes, even I cannot hold my tongue. And my boldness can lash out in my words.

But I want to feel the echo of the voices of as many sexual abuse victims, as many childhood abuse survivors. Because those are powerful voices.

Give youre inner child that power back.

Love Ally

Dear Reader,

First of all how is it that Ive given you a glimpse of my life through my mind 60 times now?! I am not sure many of you know how important blogging is to me.

It gives me a few minutes out of each day to vent about my feelings. To write them down. To heal from the wounds of each day or bask in the memories of the good days. Just like I would bask in the sun.

I just want to soak it all up. The warmth of every happy moment I share with my kids. Or the warmth of every happy moment I find remembering the parts of my life that were good.

Some days it is hard for me to allow myself to soak up every moment. Because Whats going on in my current life can feel like a heavy weighted blanket, weighted with bowling balls instead of beads. And each bowling ball represents something sad. Or something traumatic or something heartbreaking for me. And I am living it. Over and over again in my head. And I am trying to fight my way out of that blanket to remind myself that that blanket isnt the warmth I am searching for.

I am searching for the warmth of a thousand memories. Like beads. Comfortable and light. Each memory representing my strength, my love, my admiration for my kids. Each bead representing the moments my husband made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breath. Or the memories of my brother and I jumping on the trampoline as kids, feeling like we were on top of the world.

Moments where my son sits down on the couch beside me and tells me he loves me, looking right into my eyes, right into my heart, right into my very soul. And I feel it. I feel that he loves me. And I feel the love I have for him and I am able to love myself.

In those moments I know that the bowling balls feel heavy for a reason. Because one day I wont need to keep going back to them, because at the end of it all, those bowling balls will be shattered. Into beads of the good memories. The memories where I tell myself. “You did it Ally.” “You overcame it. You survived that. You were unstoppable. You clung to God every day. Even on the days where you felt he wasnt answering you. You. Held. On.” And He did answer. And Hes answering me now and his works take time. I know, through Him. We are moving mountains.

And you get to to see that. And I get to go back and read these one day and say see Ally. You did move mountains.

Sincerely Love Ally

Dear Reader,

You know what sucks? Watching the people you love loose themselves right in front of your eyes. What sucks is knowing why they are like that. And having no judgement because you understand why. You understand that childhood trauma caused all these issues with all of you. You know that the very people who claim to care for them are the fucking reason why they are struggling so much.

Society isnt the only thing that makes or breaks a kid. The parent has a huge part in that as well. Preventing your child from witnessing scary situations the best we possibly can is our job.

So that When they do come across a situation thats traumatizing, they know in there minds you did everything you could to prevent it. And thats why Im careful about the situations I put myself in around my kids. I never want them to see anything they shouldn’t.

But they didnt. The events in my life that have traumatized me and made me the anxiety, depressed, and dissociative person I am today where caused by my parents.

They didnt make me the wonderful mother I am today. I did that. They didn’t make the bold, energetic, spark that lights fires person I am today. I am that. I did that and became this person on my own.

And they made all the negative emotions Im dealing with in my life right now. It all goes back to them. And how they treated me, how they parented me and what my father did to me.

And how they treated my siblings, what they did to them and what they are still doing to all 3 of us.

They want to act like they give a “rats ass” as my abuser would call it, about my siblings. But they don’t. Because if they did they wouldn’t fight me so hard on just telling the truth.

Like damn. I spent all day thinking about how much I miss my mom. And reminding myself that the mother I loved isn’t anything but a figure of my imagination.

There is still a small part of my heart that holds on to hope that she will stop all of this. That she will declare the truth. That she will open up to what her life was like. But there is the rest of me, that breaks, that shatters, that aches at the reality that she will more then likely never do that for me. Because it was all a front.

In my lowest deepest, darkest parts of my life, I have to call someone else. Because those deepest darkest parts are caused by her. By them. And she knows it.

And that just really fucking sucks.

Love Ally

Dear Reader,

I am currently sitting in my living room listening to my kids playing on the deck outside. Playing dinosaurs splashing in a lake outside.

Really its just a small pool but in there imagination, it is a lake.

I remember rare moments as a child where I was fully playing and being imaginative without fighting the thoughts in the back of my mind such as what is going on in the house. Just the paranoia that sat with me, all of the time. Everywhere I went, and sometimes even now. Because the trauma was engraved into me, every day. Don’t get me wrong, I have memories of myself playing with my brother, but I also have alot of memories of trying not to bring up what was going on around us. Like today I just want to play with these stuffed animals. I dont want to talk about dad.

And it became an active choice. It became easier and easier to ignore the little thought in my head that was screaming out in agony.

Ecclesiastes 11:9-10 — “Young people, enjoy your youth. Be happy while you are still young. Do what you want to do, and follow your heart’s desire. 

I feel relief that they are playing,Together outside, fully in there own little world. I feel happy that they are purely just being children. And that I will do everything in my power as there mother to keep it that way. To let them just be children. To teach them that home is always safe and they can be who they are and become whoever they want.

And I will guide them up in the Lord, but I will never judge them. I will be there for them to provide any advice they need but I will be an open ear.

And they will always remember that being a child was some of the best parts of there life, and they will want the same for there children, and there childrens children.

They won’t have to refrain from speaking what is on there mind. I will love the things they are passionate about. I will support them and encourage them to be there own voice.

I will always be the mother I wish I had. And although being a child, for me wasnt the best part of my life. I am excited for this part. The part where I become the person I alwaus wanted to be.

Love Ally

Dear Reader,

I want to be remembered as the mom who didnt go down without a fight. As the child who loved so openly even though she was treated so horribly by many people. I want to be remembered as the friend who was still there for her people even when she was struggling.

I want to be remembered by my faith. That despite the challenges the world threw at me I clung to my faith. I clung to my God.

I want to be remembered for always stopping what Im doing to answer my childs questions. I want to be remembered for always being there.

I have been fighting with my memories for days. Trying to remember when My mom loved me selflessly. When she loved me, for me, not for how I made her look. And I can’t find anything. I feel broken and shattered. My memories are falling like glass to the floor. Shattering all that childhood hope that I was enough for her.

As if the fact that me, a child, still loved her despite the wickedness surrounding me in my life, would never have been enough. Today she crys, she may weep to other people about how she lost her daughter. Or how her daughter wont speak to her and how all she ever did was be a good mom.

That is what shes telling them. When reality is. She hasnt called her daughter saying shes sorry. She hasnt called the sheriffs office and told them what she witnessed. She hasn’t called her daughter explaining why she did all the things she did. And she wont call. Ever. Because she knows why she did it. She knows that all she’s ever done is spew out excuses or bible verses to support her false teachings. She knows nothing she can say will justify what she’s done or what she is doing.

Shes a wolf, in sheeps clothing. And she knows it. And she will drag down all her shepherds protecting her till the courts rip off every lie used to make that sheeps skin to reveal the wolf underneath.

To reveal the woman I called, my mother.

Love Ally

Dear Reader,

I used to think that noone else felt pain quite like I did. And thats true in a way because we all carry pain differently. But as I have opened up about my past and my present I have collected new wounds along the way. Like Daggers into my back with each realization that so many people have been abused as a child.

And Its offensive! Because It should not be like that. We have to do something different for the children of this generation and the next. The adults in many of our lives have really let us down. But now we are the adults of our generation and we need to fight to be there voice. Laws need to change. The Judicial system needs to change. Penalties for certain crimes need to be changed.

There is a certain lack of seriousness to this issue in my county. Our resources are limited. But these sources are being used to bust illegal Marijuana grows in a state where recreational use is legal, and those same sources are being used to investigate serious crimes. Such as murders, sexual abuse, child abuse and other crimes of the sort.

How are we suppossed to trust our county officials to take care of our community when the same investigators are used for so many different illegal activities?

Cool, you made an arrest at an illegal marijuana grow but yet there are pedophiles actively walking around our community and YOU know about it!

There are child sexual abusers walking around freely with no restrictions in a county and surrounding counties full of our children.

How many more children is the DA of calaveras county willing to sacrifice before they make an arrest?! Not just in a case like mine. But A case involving any crimes as serious as sexual abuse.

The voters will some day know.

Love Ally