Entry #57

Dear Reader,

I want to be remembered as the mom who didnt go down without a fight. As the child who loved so openly even though she was treated so horribly by many people. I want to be remembered as the friend who was still there for her people even when she was struggling.

I want to be remembered by my faith. That despite the challenges the world threw at me I clung to my faith. I clung to my God.

I want to be remembered for always stopping what Im doing to answer my childs questions. I want to be remembered for always being there.

I have been fighting with my memories for days. Trying to remember when My mom loved me selflessly. When she loved me, for me, not for how I made her look. And I can’t find anything. I feel broken and shattered. My memories are falling like glass to the floor. Shattering all that childhood hope that I was enough for her.

As if the fact that me, a child, still loved her despite the wickedness surrounding me in my life, would never have been enough. Today she crys, she may weep to other people about how she lost her daughter. Or how her daughter wont speak to her and how all she ever did was be a good mom.

That is what shes telling them. When reality is. She hasnt called her daughter saying shes sorry. She hasnt called the sheriffs office and told them what she witnessed. She hasn’t called her daughter explaining why she did all the things she did. And she wont call. Ever. Because she knows why she did it. She knows that all she’s ever done is spew out excuses or bible verses to support her false teachings. She knows nothing she can say will justify what she’s done or what she is doing.

Shes a wolf, in sheeps clothing. And she knows it. And she will drag down all her shepherds protecting her till the courts rip off every lie used to make that sheeps skin to reveal the wolf underneath.

To reveal the woman I called, my mother.

Love Ally