Entry #58

Dear Reader,

I am currently sitting in my living room listening to my kids playing on the deck outside. Playing dinosaurs splashing in a lake outside.

Really its just a small pool but in there imagination, it is a lake.

I remember rare moments as a child where I was fully playing and being imaginative without fighting the thoughts in the back of my mind such as what is going on in the house. Just the paranoia that sat with me, all of the time. Everywhere I went, and sometimes even now. Because the trauma was engraved into me, every day. Don’t get me wrong, I have memories of myself playing with my brother, but I also have alot of memories of trying not to bring up what was going on around us. Like today I just want to play with these stuffed animals. I dont want to talk about dad.

And it became an active choice. It became easier and easier to ignore the little thought in my head that was screaming out in agony.

I feel relief that they are playing,Together outside, fully in there own little world. I feel happy that they are purely just being children. And that I will do everything in my power as there mother to keep it that way. To let them just be children. To teach them that home is always safe and they can be who they are and become whoever they want.

And I will guide them up in the Lord, but I will never judge them. I will be there for them to provide any advice they need but I will be an open ear.

And they will always remember that being a child was some of the best parts of there life, and they will want the same for there children, and there childrens children.

They won’t have to refrain from speaking what is on there mind. I will love the things they are passionate about. I will support them and encourage them to be there own voice.

I will always be the mother I wish I had. And although being a child, for me wasnt the best part of my life. I am excited for this part. The part where I become the person I alwaus wanted to be.

Love Ally