Entry #59

Dear Reader,

You know what sucks? Watching the people you love loose themselves right in front of your eyes. What sucks is knowing why they are like that. And having no judgement because you understand why. You understand that childhood trauma caused all these issues with all of you. You know that the very people who claim to care for them are the fucking reason why they are struggling so much.

Society isnt the only thing that makes or breaks a kid. The parent has a huge part in that as well. Preventing your child from witnessing scary situations the best we possibly can is our job.

So that When they do come across a situation thats traumatizing, they know in there minds you did everything you could to prevent it. And thats why Im careful about the situations I put myself in around my kids. I never want them to see anything they shouldn’t.

But they didnt. The events in my life that have traumatized me and made me the anxiety, depressed, and dissociative person I am today where caused by my parents.

They didnt make me the wonderful mother I am today. I did that. They didn’t make the bold, energetic, spark that lights fires person I am today. I am that. I did that and became this person on my own.

And they made all the negative emotions Im dealing with in my life right now. It all goes back to them. And how they treated me, how they parented me and what my father did to me.

And how they treated my siblings, what they did to them and what they are still doing to all 3 of us.

They want to act like they give a “rats ass” as my abuser would call it, about my siblings. But they don’t. Because if they did they wouldn’t fight me so hard on just telling the truth.

Like damn. I spent all day thinking about how much I miss my mom. And reminding myself that the mother I loved isn’t anything but a figure of my imagination.

There is still a small part of my heart that holds on to hope that she will stop all of this. That she will declare the truth. That she will open up to what her life was like. But there is the rest of me, that breaks, that shatters, that aches at the reality that she will more then likely never do that for me. Because it was all a front.

In my lowest deepest, darkest parts of my life, I have to call someone else. Because those deepest darkest parts are caused by her. By them. And she knows it.

And that just really fucking sucks.

Love Ally