Entry #60

Dear Reader,

First of all how is it that Ive given you a glimpse of my life through my mind 60 times now?! I am not sure many of you know how important blogging is to me.

It gives me a few minutes out of each day to vent about my feelings. To write them down. To heal from the wounds of each day or bask in the memories of the good days. Just like I would bask in the sun.

I just want to soak it all up. The warmth of every happy moment I share with my kids. Or the warmth of every happy moment I find remembering the parts of my life that were good.

Some days it is hard for me to allow myself to soak up every moment. Because Whats going on in my current life can feel like a heavy weighted blanket, weighted with bowling balls instead of beads. And each bowling ball represents something sad. Or something traumatic or something heartbreaking for me. And I am living it. Over and over again in my head. And I am trying to fight my way out of that blanket to remind myself that that blanket isnt the warmth I am searching for.

I am searching for the warmth of a thousand memories. Like beads. Comfortable and light. Each memory representing my strength, my love, my admiration for my kids. Each bead representing the moments my husband made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breath. Or the memories of my brother and I jumping on the trampoline as kids, feeling like we were on top of the world.

Moments where my son sits down on the couch beside me and tells me he loves me, looking right into my eyes, right into my heart, right into my very soul. And I feel it. I feel that he loves me. And I feel the love I have for him and I am able to love myself.

In those moments I know that the bowling balls feel heavy for a reason. Because one day I wont need to keep going back to them, because at the end of it all, those bowling balls will be shattered. Into beads of the good memories. The memories where I tell myself. “You did it Ally.” “You overcame it. You survived that. You were unstoppable. You clung to God every day. Even on the days where you felt he wasnt answering you. You. Held. On.” And He did answer. And Hes answering me now and his works take time. I know, through Him. We are moving mountains.

And you get to to see that. And I get to go back and read these one day and say see Ally. You did move mountains.

Sincerely Love Ally