Entry #43

Dear Readers,

Happy Mothers Day to all the moms who put there kids before themselves. To the moms who cried when they went to bed because they were afraid that they failed as a parent. To the mom who feels there childs pain at the end of each day.

I spent the day trying to make my kids happy, because I wanted them to look back on today and say “damn” mom really didnt seem any different. But Its already too late for that because All day instead of trying to think about me. I NEEDED to think about them because normally my mom calls me today. And tells me I did such a good job. She tells me I improve every year and then I smile and tell her who I learned it from...

But today, I weep because I didnt Learn it from her. I learned alot of what not to do. And even in her good moments I was never myself because I didnt even know who I was Allowed to be.

But today Id make some extravagant post on facebook. With pictures of her with me, and some pictures of her with the grandkids. If today was a normal mothers day. If I hadnt of broken the cycle shed still call me and praise me and Id feel proud for the day. But that was all her way of making feel extra extra special. And I miss her call today.

Yet at the same time. I never want her to call me again. And this is the slowest amd hardest mothers day yet. Because to me She is not and never truely was my mother. So I have no mother today. Or at least not the same one ive had for over 20 years… so its wierd and it feels surreal. And I just want the day to be over. So I dont have to try not to call one of my biggest abusers. This to me, because I was trained to respect her more then even myself. This. The silence on her phone from me. Feels like the biggest betrayal to childhood me. And yet really it is the biggest commitment, the biggest statement I can make to little young me.

She is not a Mother so Today Is not her day.

Love Ally