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Dear Reader #1

Dear Reader,

I felt in my heart that I should share an Entry from my personal Journal that I wrote yesterday. I haven’t posted on here in a long time due to my case being still active. However Guy has been moved to Alaska and the evidence is concrete so nothing I say here should affect the results of that case. And My other abuser should be behind bars, but isn’t. That doesn’t mean People shouldn’t know the truth of whst I am going through. Regardless of how much it may expose her.

With that being said, please read this with caution if you have experienced religious trauma, or any sort of trauma really as it may be triggering for some people.

8/23/2025

I want to speak out about religious manipulation and how if can effect children who were raised in it well into adulthood. I was raised up in a strict Christian home. We had Bible verses on post it notes in our bathrooms. We attended Awana and church regularly. Even went to Christian based schools and Christian curriculums when homeschooling. I started truely believing in Jesus around 7 years old. That is when I started praying independently and I always attended youth groups.

Christianity was a no compromise; need to live in our home. You HAD to attend church. Pray at dinner time and ask for forgiveness when you did something wrong. These beliefs were also used to preach forgiveness. The Lord always forgives, therefore to be Holy you had to forgive your family. No matter what they did. Guy and Angela preached about how Jesus forgave and Loved my dad. And that he struggled with pedophilic cravings but they were not his fault. They were from the devil and he did not intend to hurt us. In fact one of the things they both claimed was that his desires did not start till they adopted us and started living in there home. “We had a demon attached to us” she would say. We pursued him, we tried to touch him and He just couldnt resist the temptation. At one point, once I was a junior in highschool and became argumentative towards them about being sexually active with boyfriends. Since they would lecture me on how sinful it was. And I would say “you have no right to tell me what to do with my body considering all you’ve done to destroy it.” They’d go on and on about how Guy no longer has those desires and the Lord saved him, and the past isn’t an exuse for what i was doing now. Oftentimes, these arguments became physical and I would be thrown out, then run away, come home and the cycle would continue. I wrestled with my inner self about forgiving Guy. I truely struggled deep down on whether or not I was truly supposed to just move on from this hurt and it was something I regularly prayed about.

Considering the fact they are very religious people, or at least portray themselves as such. When I prayed and prayed after my daughter was born for the Lord to remove the guilt I felt in my gut having her around them and finally felt as though I was listening and turned them in. Its interesting that my wording during this time is what they use against me the most in there legal defense. That “I believe God told me Guy did these things” when in fact it was that I believe God told me to stop hiding behind THERE sin. And the only way to do that was to turn them in. I recieved many things in the mail from Guys attorney. Saying I had phycosis and used other religious speech to try and get my medical records. Ive been shamed by there family. And they’ve reached out to others in the community to pray for me, that I and my family are demon possessed. I actually believe that They didnt worship the True God. I believe They are in some type of cult. There are many family members who are the most outwardly expressive with there faith that have stood behind him. Reached out to me that they couldnt be in contact with me till things settle in court. Yet have flown out of state to visit him in jail. And have invited his wife to there daughters wedding. They have shunned and withheld support for the very few family members who’ve been supportive. And I believe may follow true faith. But Its funny that people who used religion to make themselves look righteous. Taught in Christian schools and cared so much about there public values are the ones who claim The Lord spoke to me and there is just no way that could’ve happened!

My brother reached out, it was a while ago now. And sent me a bible verse and a lesson about “forgiveness” and told me He was worried that I would be seperated from God for not forgiving Guy and Angela. And this is something that I definitely struggled with. But I learned that Forgiveness does NOT mean acceptance. You can only forgive someone who is truely sorry. Who isn’t actively doing the exact thing they want forgiveness for. I dont owe them any sort if sympathy just because I believe in God and they believe God loves them. One of the most powerful things I ever said to Guy was “If I cannot have a relationship with you on earth, if you are truely forgiven, I look forward to a relationship in heaven”. This was on the night He drove to the police station to “turn himself in” if we want to call it that. But this statement angered him greatly. He didnt want a relationship at all if I couldnt forgive him Right now, and accept that he wasn’t actively attracted to minors Right Now. And I just wasn’t having that. Still to this day Angela speaks as if she is preaching the word of God but like Jezebel she uses the Bible to her own personal benefit. If she is praying like she claims, Im not sure who she could be praying to. Because surely she doesn’t believe shes at the feet of Jesus while she actively lies about her part in the abuse My sister and I went through.

In adulthood I still struggle sometimes with understanding how I prayed so much for a different life as a kid and didnt get that. But I know my story has a greater purpose then it would have if these things didnt happen to me. I have hope that I will be advocating for other children and adults who’ve experienced sexual abuse at the hands of there parents. Because of the impact that Angela had in the community surrounding Christian values and teaching at private schools. I often run into people lately who know me as her daughter. And they get excited when they find out who I am and perk up with “oh I just loved your mother I used to work with her at cflc” and I have to stop them. I dont go into detail anymore. I just say “no I am no contact with them. Guy is in jail and she should be too” and I leave it at that. But again, its annoying, frustrating and sometimes painful that shes viewed as such a possitive person due to her outward impression surrounding Christianity. My family hid behind the church. Not just guy amd Angela but there parents and siblings too. And ive done research and this is actually a common practice used on children. Imprint the word of God under false meaning so that we will never turn them in or speak out about there true lives. When really they are in a cult. Sometimes I joke that the must’ve met through some undercover pedophile church arranged by their own parents. I mean, what other explanation do I have to justify the things they’ve all done. How Guys Mother actually tells people that this case is a spiritual battle. A battle against my demons. I guess in some ways, she is right. But she has the narrative wrong. The demons that Held me back from my true potential in life were her son and her daughter in law. Not me. The spiritual battle would be using my faith that they taught me to interrogate me on the stand. Using the religion that they believe in to still make me question or justify my own faith. To test me to see whether or not I will deny the fact that Jesus has been my crutch and what truely saved me from the darkness I was living in. I wonder if she truely believes anything she says about the District attorneys being possessed or if its a fantasy she had to create in her own mind because of the guilt she feels about her son’s actions. I know she knew something. Im not the one living in a psychosis. I am just one of the lucky ones. Many people abused in the name of God turn away from religion. And the goal of people like Guy and Angela would’ve been to keep me away from the Lord. They dont feel proud by my profession of faith. They feel condemned. They didn’t accomplish what they really wanted from me. Which was to separate me from reality as well as the True Jesus. And to accept their evil so that I may never see the light. And they failed miserably.

John 3 19-20
This is the verdict, light has come into the world. But people loved darkness instead of light because there deeds were evil. Everyone who loves evil hates the light and will not come into it for fear that there deeds will be exposed.”

And that is the end of what I wrote. I hope my story can resonate with someone. That if you have experienced a similar story you dont feel shame speaking out. It’s not easy all of the time, however it is a much better life to be honest. I know that what happened to me is not my shame to hold onto, it belongs to my abusers and there family. Thanks for Reading.

Love Ally

Entry #86

Dear Reader,

Writing these blogs, isnt just for you. Its for me too. To go back and remind myself what it was like nearly a year ago. And to feel and realize how much things have changed, how much I have improved. And that the words I was saying at the time to convince myself things would get better. And to help other people in the same situation feel like things will get better, really were true words.

I work hard every single day to be present in this life for my kids. But i dont have to work as hard as I did in the beginning. My mind isnt constantly sayying “this isnt happening” it knows its happening. Life goes on. As crazy as it is. Life doesnt stop.

My kids are growing. I am growing. As the trial date continues to approach. Only a month away, I find myself having to rehash some of these feelings I felt in the beginning. Like I miss my mom, the person she wasnt. The person I wanted her to be. I miss long phone conversations and the moments when she did make me feel important. But none of that was real. I was just a pawn in her game. Shes still playing. Shes still hiding. Shes still trying to pull off being a victim. The only things shes a victim of is playing her own game, heartlessness, and emptiness. I am sure even with her friends and family on her side, shes probably one of the loneliest people in the world. Im sure her tears, are real. I cant imagine someone being able to fake cry so many times. I think she has emotion. I think shes a sociopath, nit a phycopath.

The feelings I feel about her are not nearly as strong as they were february to basically october of last year. I was in denial and didnt want to believe who she was. Who she is.

This morning my daughter and I had time to ourselves. She stood beside me as I lay on the couch, driving this white toy car back and forth. Laughing and sticking her tongue out at me every time we made eye contact.

Shes around the age my sister was when we were adopted. And I look at her and I see my sister sometimes. I remember old picture of her and my daughter is similar in some ways. I feel this deeo aching pain at the thought of my parents intentions in adopting my sister and I. And I cant help but wonder how anyone can be so twisted to hurt a child. Over and over. Continously over the course of a decade.

Anyone who decides to come gear the evidence at this trial should prepare themselves for details that I have not made public. Sick details that will make you feel like you just swallowed something real poisonous.

I think for family members and friends it is important that you go and hear these things. Whether you believe me, or you dont. Because now it is up to the courts and will soon be up to a jury. And Hearing the evidence along with them and not just reading my words or hearing things from my mouth. But truely witnessing and understanding the actions that this man performed on innocent little girls. Don’t let your pride get in the way of going.

I am planning on being as professional as possible. Going to court is a serious thing and I do not plan to talk to any body besides those who welcome my company. I know who my people are. And i know who my people aren’t.

But you cannot claim a side unless you have heard the Truth through the courts yourself.

As each day goes by and my mind body and soul heals itself. I will continue to go back and read my blogs from the beginning. Including the ones I have had to put on private. So You might start hearing from me more often. I still want everyone to be apart of this process as much as possible because I want my story to make an impact on other people. Victims or not.

Love Ally

Entry #86

Dear Reader,

I find that awaiting this trial has made the days much longer then before. And they already felt long. But Ive been trying to look at life differently. Because really my kids are growing fast and the days are just too short.

I spent my morning doing a sea turtle painting tutorial with My oldest son. I was amazed at his patience and his abilty to follow step my step instructions all on his own. Let me just show it off really quick because I am obsessed…

I swear the only thing I did was that black outline on the shell.

He put every single detail on himself. It was so pleasing to watch him concentrate on making the seaweed. It took us nearly 2 hours to finish our paintings. And I realized he really does love to focus.

I did some dishes,cleaned a sticky icky toilet that smelled like homeless pee. Then I went last minute valentines day shopping for Eris’ class.

When we got home the boys played outside. And road bikes and scooter till about 530, then we did our regular evening routine.

I found my thoughts drifting off with worry about the upcoming trial. And I really tried to put all of those fears aside and focus on today. But I do remind myself that if I act like those thoughts arent there, I explode or freeze like a deer in the headlights, not knowing what to do. To the point where instead of saying “Hey how are you doing? I look pretty happy yea?” I say something like “Youre a piece of shit you know that, a real piece of shit” and walk away so angry. Never knowing what you couldve said had you of been prepared. I dont like angry to take over my thoughts or actions. Its healthy for me to have some fears, or anger towards upcoming days. Its important for me to face that, accept that and just go on with my day.

I am concerned with who I may see at this upcoming trial. I dont know how many of Guys supporters or friends, whatever we want to call them, will be there. I would think theyd show up wanting to hear the facts and evidence and all that to decide for themselves what they believe. Rather then just acting on there emotions. If we were to put aside our emotions and go into this with no expectation just listening and taking in the facts then maybe it would bring some sort of peace and acceptance into there lives. But who knows. I dont. But i know im having to put my emotions aside as well. I keep asking myself if I need to hear anything. And I have come to the conclusion that I do need to. I need to let this be the conclusion to this part of my life. So I can leave it in the past and live for my future.

Though the days feel long to getting my justice I know very well that God will Have his Wrath on his own timing.

2 Peter 3:8

With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day’

Romans 12:19

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

The Day is Coming. My justice is coming. No amount of pain on earth can be as satisfying as the wrath of My God.

Love Ally

Entry #85

Dear Reader,

Yesterday, I made a facebook post asking my friends to report the profile picture with mu son in it. And I am proud to say that Facebook has finally removed the photo. I feel a huge sense of relief as a mother.

As a daughter, as a sister I feel even more betrayed then I did yesterday. My choices to be public about my past has not come without consequences. My brother hates me. My sister refuses to speak with me. And My “mother” just lies out of her ass and has her son fight her battles.

My brother was in the inbox of friends, and publically commenting on my tik tok account. Calling me a lier, saying I have psychosis, that I made up Everything. This brings me pain. While I have decided to make the choice to not let it bother me and to find his words empty. I would like to write one last time with an open heart of the betrayal. I feel.

My Brother and I grew up in the same household. Surrounded by the same abuse. Listening to it while locked in another room while our dad assaulted our sister. My brother cane to my mom and Told her about the abuse WITH me. My brother always said he’d tell the truth. No matter who it burned in the process. And he showed that. He was one of my biggest supporters when I first came forward. Encouraging me. Checking up on me. We spent some nights under the stars watching shooting stars and listening to music talking about how crazy our life was and how relieved we felt that we were finally telling the truth. Our Dad was still out at this point. Amd we would meet in secret and We bonded just like we did as Kids. I loved him.

After Guy was arrested something changed. I made excuses for his behavior. I figured he was scared. I mean he lived with both parents so i knew the impact of Guy going to jail was alot for him to take in. But he became cruel. He started changing his mind about telling the truth and wanted to lie and defend Angela. While I full understand that he is still surrounded by the abusive voice and manipulative behavior of our “mother.” I still feel dewply betrayed by him. I blocked him from my life to protect myself because talking to him brought me back to being a child. And I couldnt do that anymore. I had to take care of my children. I was trying to balance my mental health and knowing that I was the only real pwrson in his life. I told him it was temporary. And I wonder whete we would be if I had of just ignored all the advice of my therapists and doctors and Been there for him. But what about me? Why can’t he just be there for me. Its a question I may never get the answer to. And I am finally okay with that.

I have decided to move forward continuing to be public about this process of finding my justice. And I am aware of the backlash this will cause with the family that still supports Guy and Angela. I just pray that tgere words, meant to harm me, will be nothing but empty, meaningless words. I pray that I have the strength to keep fighting this battle publically and make a difference in the lives of other victims, like me.

Love Ally

Entry #84

Dear Reader,

I find myself trapped in this never ending cycle of, Disbelief, Anger, Acceptance, Peace…moving on. And it continues round and around like tires on a car. Crushing Anything and everything they run over. Sometimes The cycle crushes the peace I was feeling, sometimes it Crushes the Anger.

Sometimes It just feels like its crushing me. My mom still has her facebook profile up and active. And her profile picture is a picture of my son. She cannot legally contact us. She cannot ever see my children again. She cannot even be in the same store as us. Yet she flaunts this picture of this fake relationship she had with my boy. I feel so much Anger that nothing can be done to make her remove the picture. I cannot contact her, i cannot threaten her. And Although I feel as though her face belongs in a pile of cowshit like the shitty person she is. I cannot put her face there. And thought I personally feel that anything I do or did is justified because of what they put me through. The law doesnt really see it that way.

I find it hard to believe that a picture of a child can be posted and not forcefully removed in situations where that person is under investigation for child abuse, and enabling long term sexual abuse. Shes not just some person who stole a few things from the store, or did some drugs. She stole my childhood. Abusing people and manipulating is her drug. And she shouldnt be allowed to continue to live in society. Shes a threat to children all around. And especially my children.

I feel the need to write this today because it takes everything in me not to confront her in person. Its not worth jeopardizing my freedom. However I am not the person to mess with. I know my time is coming. I know one day she will answer to me about her choices. And I know one day I can release the full audio recording I have of her saying that Her car and her house was more important then the lives of her daughters. She hides behind her flawless reputation. Just Like Judas was a disciple of Jesus. Sometimes the most perfect people are the biggest con artists.

Hiding behind her church, her reputation and her daddy.

‘Well honey Your Daddy Cannot protect you forever “mom.” Remove my child from your account and stop contacting my friends through third parties. How do you live in such a lie? Its amazing to me you are even still living everyday. I hope you are scared every morning when you wake up, every time you hear a knock at your door. And every night when you fall asleep I hope you fall asleep afraid of what I am going to do to destroy you. I dont have to do much. You destroyed yourself. But I am not stopping ever, until you are in the exact place as your husband whom you love so much.’

Im not really sure what else to say. I should probably stop writing before I get myself into some trouble.

Love Ally

Entry #83

Dear Reader,

A trial Date has been set for March 17 at 1:30 pm. And while that seems far away to me. It is also very close. I really didnt think we would come this far. I thought that surely, since he drove himself to the police station in February, that a part of him wanted to make things right. Wanted to tell the truth. But something changed. He still pleads not guilty. He still refuses to admit his faults. Im not sure if him driving to the station was all just a show now or not.

I’ve been doing really well, as far as my mental health goes. Things have been improving and I have been accepting and learning how to move on. Moving on for good seems to be alot closer and possible now, then it ever did before.

I suspect I was raised by two narcissists. Maybe even sociopaths. I dont know. But I do know that being raised by them meant my brain created unhealthy ways for me to cope. With literally anything in my life. This past year I have been learning how to cope in a healthy way. It is so much harder for me to be fully present and accept whats happening. Before I would just dissociate, not allow myself to feel it and cope in the way I felt neccesary in the moment.

But now I am able to accept the situation, talk about it. And move on. I can’t wait for what the future holds for me and my family. This trial can’t come soon enough.

Love Ally

Entry #82

Dear Reader,

Today didn’t go as planned. And thats okay. I ended up having a better day then expected. And although Im proven time and time again who the real people are. I still found myself defending the actions of other family members. Realizing that I am adopted I am not forced into a binding relationship by blood. I have the choice to let go. To move on. To count my losses and savor my victories.

A man I once called my brother, someone whom I was always quick to defend and may as well have been considered my blood. Spent there morning harassing me and publically expressing his support for the woman, whos name we shall not mention. I feel the need to acknowledge the betrayal I feel because I have been privately making excuses for him and his behavior. I have been trying to keep to myself alot more on here, because words. Can be taken out of context. And I just don’t have the mental space to filter my thoughts.

But I think this morning was an example of bad timing. Normally I would ignore this behavior or privately message him. Like i did when he posted my face and said nasty untrue things about me. However this morning, as he was saying these things I was filling out important paperwork for el dorado county. And then I was waiting for my abusers court appearance. I was in game mode. I was allowing myself to experience the feelings of betrayal by my abuser. To have someone who i considered my brother actively saying false things on my social media really set me off for the entire day. Im sure that was the point. I have since deleted my public responses as I feel the need to still have respect for his private choices. However even though I am sad for him, because I know this is a result of “our mother” whispering in his ears constantly, I am still aware that he is an adult man making poor choices. And to turn his back on the last person he probably had left that actually gave a crap about him, isn’t my loss. Id rather know now who really has my back. Then for these people have the ability to hurt my children.

I guess my point in all this is its okay to cut out toxic people even if they are “family.” Being family doesnt mean its okay to let someone walk all over you, take advantage of you, or gather amo for when things dont go there way later. Its hard, I know because Ive lost so many people over the past year and alot of them played Huge roles in my life. My world feels like its been flipped upside down. But. Its better. Its safer. Its healthier. And Its all my own hard work. To cut out the toxic and open up for the good people in my life.

If there is someone who makes you feel like you question yourself instead of challenge yourself. Or someone who makes you feel small. Maybe you too should consider cleaning out your shed?

Its Just a suggestion. You do you. But Id reccomend saying “sorry, brother or not your not my brother.”

Love Ally

The Truth Entry #9

Dear Reader,

Gosh. I haven’t been on here in a long time. To be honest I only really like to write when I am really being open with myself about how I feel. And lately, I havent been able to do that. I felt like closing off those feelings would help me navigate every day life.

This week has been rough. Its brought up alot of emotions. Ive spoken about things this week that I never have said out loud to anyone. I don’t normally have a need to go into the gorey details of abuse. This week I had to. Amd I spoke about them emotionless. Because I feel, emotionless sometimes. Its how I cope. And I can’t stand it.

But I am feeling so sad for myself. That sometimes I feel pathetic. I am feeling so angry. So fucking Angry at everyone whos treated me wrongly over this past year. So Angry that I felt a need to literally BEG for my “family” to love me. To listen to me. I am so sad for me, as a little go and what she had to go through. And the fact that shes still here. Life goes on. And for someone like me, you pause life. You literally put yourself on pause and we got through the motions but arent really here because life is too painful. It really sucks. It really does and I dont know if i have a right to feel that way.

My pastor spoke in his sermon today about the lies that satin can speak in your ear. And lately over the past several weeks Ive been hearing them. “Youre not good enough. God let this happen” Ive felt so distant from my relationship with God. I felt like I was scrambling in my mind to find him but not more then a couple times did I pick up my Bible and try to find Him.

I hold alot of anger towards my adoptive mother and her lack of compassion. And due to my anger, towards her Ive lost sight of Gods Timing and focused on my own timing. I am pissed, still and I know i always will be at how much ai believed the Lies that they Loved me. That they were changed people who were sorry for what they did to me. Sometimes I really miss when I believed that. Because what I feel now that I know they are liers just like Satin himself, is too painful. I brought so many lives into our circle because I believed the lies. And I put those peoples lives at risk too of feeling some of the pain they are capable of causing. I feel angry because I could have, and should have faced this a long time ago. Years ago. But I never did. I don’t respect the fact that I was just a child. Sometimes I forget that but I wish I had of done things differently. Had I of. My life couldve been do different. I blame myself for all of that. And I feel shame for everything thats happened to the family I created with my Husband because I believed so many Lies.

Its unfair. It freaking sucks! Yes I said that again because It Does!! But I do Know the Truth Behind Everything. And that Truth is God. And He will make all the enemies run and hide. But they will have nowhere to go.

1 John 4:6
We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood.

1 Corinthians 4:6

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the Truth.

Ive realized the “family” that Ive lost were anything But filled with the truth. The anger I feel towards these people I release to God because I know his Wrath is better then mine. I pray for peace. For myself and my loved ones. That we may move on in The Truth and not be bound back by the lies. God gave us the armor to fight these battles. We just need to put it to good use.

My Adopted Mother has it coming. She has it coming and its out of my control. But may she rot how the Bible says she will if she does not repent.

Love Ally.

The Truth Entry #8

Dear Reader,

Christmas. I dreaded it this year. Christmas. I feared it this year. I have had Alot of Anxiety over the past several months about this holiday.

Christmas was always my favorite time of the year. My entire family, really felt like a family. Once My Abuser was Arrested I found the thought of the holidays as a chore. I felt like I was trying to pretend things are normal.

It felt unfair. That I still felt so sad. That I still worry about my siblings and what there lives are like. And how unfair it is that Im pulling through, obviously not without effort, but still putting that guilt on myself that I shouldnt be happy when so many other things are going on.

And as I was writing this i was interrupted by my kids wanting to decorate the bare tree, that had some tinsel on it. I left it bare. All season because Of my daughter and the possibility of her breaking them, but also I didn’t want to see them. I didnt want to remember any of my Christmases anymore.

In doing that I was creating a memory of a boring tree for my kids, which if they hadnt daid anything, probably would of been fine. But my kids. Notice the little things. So when we got home they told me there aunt had ornamwnts on our tree and we needed them on ours. I contemplated, I tried to talk them out of it, but realizing i was heading nowhere except for sad toddlers full of sugar and over stimulated already, I caved. I pulled out my hubbys ornaments and we put on all the plastic ones. And I realized I might want to start a tradition of finishing the tree on Christmas eve..

Anyways, my point of this is that during those moments my son started realizing our tree wasnt the same as in his memories. And I started realizing he remembers previous christmases. Our tree was small. His ornaments werent there. And there was no “fairy” to put on top of the tree. I didnt know what he was talking about. It took me forever to figure out what fairy he meant. My moms Angel. I told him we could replace it which he agreed to and it solved the problem for 10 minutes then he started crying and said “That one was my favorite. I just wanted to put it on top like I always do. ”

He told me he felt sad that he would have to get a different fairy for the tree. And I just said I know. And hugged him. Until that moment I didn’t realize how hard today mustve been for his little brain too.

However, all those moments i spent stress about this moment was nothing compared to my whole day.

today I found myself enjoying the moment without looking over my shoulder. And when I did, I saw.

Uncles, throwing my kids around laughing along with them. Grandpas smiles beeming through the entire room. Wives, sisters and aunts caught in conversation, cooking, eating, tending to the wimpers of the babies. Grandmas admiring the new generation of there families. It was peaceful. It wasn’t khaotic, it was just surrounded in love. Which reminded me the reason Christmas even exists,

Because of God’s love for us. And sensing His only son Jesus to be born as a baby, to save the world of all evil and one day rule the Kingdom of Heaven and Earth.

He gave that sacrafice. And my comfort of pretending nothing happened, was worth sacrificing, was worth facing this whole year. Because my children just had there first safe christmas with the people who really love us. And I did too. And I can’t even begin to express how lucky I am to have a family like the one I do now. We are a village. They are the sails that keep me going when I dont know How to keep walking. And I am greatful for the Blessing of them. Despite all the Bad that has happened in my life. I have a real family. My kids have a real family. Not based on an idea, but based of fact.

Merry Christmas. I hope you all felt as much love as I did.

Love Ally

Living in What is Entry #12

Dear Reader,

I feel every emotion you can think of as I write this. Happiness, sadness, anxiousness, grief, and sorrow.

On December 1st I got a call that My Abuser had been arrested. I felt all my emotions overwhelm me at once and I was in disbelief. This moment was huge. Ive been waitimg for 10 months for this and it was happening. However I felt sad at the same time. The reality that all of this was real. And the truth was There was enough evidence all along. Emotions ran through me like rushing waters. I believed There was enough evidence. I knew there was. But this Idea I was holding onto that Justice would be served is not just an idea anymore. Him being arrested, wasnt just a thought in my head. Its a validation.

I went to his arraignment the following monday in which He recieved no bail. And while that is a win, I felt like screaming. All this time some people didn’t believe me and he just got no bail!

I do not feel the need to proove myself to anyone. However the burden of being shunned by some family members did not go away. Even still. I am still a crazy fool in there minds. And while my abusers have been able to make me out to be something I am not for months. This Case, My Case, is about to show that I have always been me. The whole time. And he was pretending to be something he is not. And she was pretending to live a life that was not even real. The reality of how cruel life was because of them breaks my heart. Yet brings me healing all at the same time because I am starting to Understand the Trauma Bond. And why it has such a hold on me. And why it still does. And why it probably always will. There will probably be several days in my future that I cry for them. Because the child in me learned to love them.

I am forgiving myself and waiting for the day the Jury Declares Him Guilty, Beyond a Reasonable Doubt.

And Until then I will be taking time to focus on my family.

Love Ally