Dear Reader,
Gosh. I haven’t been on here in a long time. To be honest I only really like to write when I am really being open with myself about how I feel. And lately, I havent been able to do that. I felt like closing off those feelings would help me navigate every day life.
This week has been rough. Its brought up alot of emotions. Ive spoken about things this week that I never have said out loud to anyone. I don’t normally have a need to go into the gorey details of abuse. This week I had to. Amd I spoke about them emotionless. Because I feel, emotionless sometimes. Its how I cope. And I can’t stand it.
But I am feeling so sad for myself. That sometimes I feel pathetic. I am feeling so angry. So fucking Angry at everyone whos treated me wrongly over this past year. So Angry that I felt a need to literally BEG for my “family” to love me. To listen to me. I am so sad for me, as a little go and what she had to go through. And the fact that shes still here. Life goes on. And for someone like me, you pause life. You literally put yourself on pause and we got through the motions but arent really here because life is too painful. It really sucks. It really does and I dont know if i have a right to feel that way.
My pastor spoke in his sermon today about the lies that satin can speak in your ear. And lately over the past several weeks Ive been hearing them. “Youre not good enough. God let this happen” Ive felt so distant from my relationship with God. I felt like I was scrambling in my mind to find him but not more then a couple times did I pick up my Bible and try to find Him.
I hold alot of anger towards my adoptive mother and her lack of compassion. And due to my anger, towards her Ive lost sight of Gods Timing and focused on my own timing. I am pissed, still and I know i always will be at how much ai believed the Lies that they Loved me. That they were changed people who were sorry for what they did to me. Sometimes I really miss when I believed that. Because what I feel now that I know they are liers just like Satin himself, is too painful. I brought so many lives into our circle because I believed the lies. And I put those peoples lives at risk too of feeling some of the pain they are capable of causing. I feel angry because I could have, and should have faced this a long time ago. Years ago. But I never did. I don’t respect the fact that I was just a child. Sometimes I forget that but I wish I had of done things differently. Had I of. My life couldve been do different. I blame myself for all of that. And I feel shame for everything thats happened to the family I created with my Husband because I believed so many Lies.
Its unfair. It freaking sucks! Yes I said that again because It Does!! But I do Know the Truth Behind Everything. And that Truth is God. And He will make all the enemies run and hide. But they will have nowhere to go.
1 John 4:6
We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood.
1 Corinthians 4:6
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the Truth.
Ive realized the “family” that Ive lost were anything But filled with the truth. The anger I feel towards these people I release to God because I know his Wrath is better then mine. I pray for peace. For myself and my loved ones. That we may move on in The Truth and not be bound back by the lies. God gave us the armor to fight these battles. We just need to put it to good use.
My Adopted Mother has it coming. She has it coming and its out of my control. But may she rot how the Bible says she will if she does not repent.
Love Ally.
Dear Reader, Love Ally 