Dear Reader,
Christmas. I dreaded it this year. Christmas. I feared it this year. I have had Alot of Anxiety over the past several months about this holiday.
Christmas was always my favorite time of the year. My entire family, really felt like a family. Once My Abuser was Arrested I found the thought of the holidays as a chore. I felt like I was trying to pretend things are normal.
It felt unfair. That I still felt so sad. That I still worry about my siblings and what there lives are like. And how unfair it is that Im pulling through, obviously not without effort, but still putting that guilt on myself that I shouldnt be happy when so many other things are going on.
And as I was writing this i was interrupted by my kids wanting to decorate the bare tree, that had some tinsel on it. I left it bare. All season because Of my daughter and the possibility of her breaking them, but also I didn’t want to see them. I didnt want to remember any of my Christmases anymore.
In doing that I was creating a memory of a boring tree for my kids, which if they hadnt daid anything, probably would of been fine. But my kids. Notice the little things. So when we got home they told me there aunt had ornamwnts on our tree and we needed them on ours. I contemplated, I tried to talk them out of it, but realizing i was heading nowhere except for sad toddlers full of sugar and over stimulated already, I caved. I pulled out my hubbys ornaments and we put on all the plastic ones. And I realized I might want to start a tradition of finishing the tree on Christmas eve..
Anyways, my point of this is that during those moments my son started realizing our tree wasnt the same as in his memories. And I started realizing he remembers previous christmases. Our tree was small. His ornaments werent there. And there was no “fairy” to put on top of the tree. I didnt know what he was talking about. It took me forever to figure out what fairy he meant. My moms Angel. I told him we could replace it which he agreed to and it solved the problem for 10 minutes then he started crying and said “That one was my favorite. I just wanted to put it on top like I always do. ”
He told me he felt sad that he would have to get a different fairy for the tree. And I just said I know. And hugged him. Until that moment I didn’t realize how hard today mustve been for his little brain too.
However, all those moments i spent stress about this moment was nothing compared to my whole day.
today I found myself enjoying the moment without looking over my shoulder. And when I did, I saw.
Uncles, throwing my kids around laughing along with them. Grandpas smiles beeming through the entire room. Wives, sisters and aunts caught in conversation, cooking, eating, tending to the wimpers of the babies. Grandmas admiring the new generation of there families. It was peaceful. It wasn’t khaotic, it was just surrounded in love. Which reminded me the reason Christmas even exists,
Because of God’s love for us. And sensing His only son Jesus to be born as a baby, to save the world of all evil and one day rule the Kingdom of Heaven and Earth.
He gave that sacrafice. And my comfort of pretending nothing happened, was worth sacrificing, was worth facing this whole year. Because my children just had there first safe christmas with the people who really love us. And I did too. And I can’t even begin to express how lucky I am to have a family like the one I do now. We are a village. They are the sails that keep me going when I dont know How to keep walking. And I am greatful for the Blessing of them. Despite all the Bad that has happened in my life. I have a real family. My kids have a real family. Not based on an idea, but based of fact.
Merry Christmas. I hope you all felt as much love as I did.
Love Ally
Dear Reader, Love Ally 