Entry #82

Dear Reader,

Today didn’t go as planned. And thats okay. I ended up having a better day then expected. And although Im proven time and time again who the real people are. I still found myself defending the actions of other family members. Realizing that I am adopted I am not forced into a binding relationship by blood. I have the choice to let go. To move on. To count my losses and savor my victories.

A man I once called my brother, someone whom I was always quick to defend and may as well have been considered my blood. Spent there morning harassing me and publically expressing his support for the woman, whos name we shall not mention. I feel the need to acknowledge the betrayal I feel because I have been privately making excuses for him and his behavior. I have been trying to keep to myself alot more on here, because words. Can be taken out of context. And I just don’t have the mental space to filter my thoughts.

But I think this morning was an example of bad timing. Normally I would ignore this behavior or privately message him. Like i did when he posted my face and said nasty untrue things about me. However this morning, as he was saying these things I was filling out important paperwork for el dorado county. And then I was waiting for my abusers court appearance. I was in game mode. I was allowing myself to experience the feelings of betrayal by my abuser. To have someone who i considered my brother actively saying false things on my social media really set me off for the entire day. Im sure that was the point. I have since deleted my public responses as I feel the need to still have respect for his private choices. However even though I am sad for him, because I know this is a result of “our mother” whispering in his ears constantly, I am still aware that he is an adult man making poor choices. And to turn his back on the last person he probably had left that actually gave a crap about him, isn’t my loss. Id rather know now who really has my back. Then for these people have the ability to hurt my children.

I guess my point in all this is its okay to cut out toxic people even if they are “family.” Being family doesnt mean its okay to let someone walk all over you, take advantage of you, or gather amo for when things dont go there way later. Its hard, I know because Ive lost so many people over the past year and alot of them played Huge roles in my life. My world feels like its been flipped upside down. But. Its better. Its safer. Its healthier. And Its all my own hard work. To cut out the toxic and open up for the good people in my life.

If there is someone who makes you feel like you question yourself instead of challenge yourself. Or someone who makes you feel small. Maybe you too should consider cleaning out your shed?

Its Just a suggestion. You do you. But Id reccomend saying “sorry, brother or not your not my brother.”

Love Ally