Entry #86

Dear Reader,

Writing these blogs, isnt just for you. Its for me too. To go back and remind myself what it was like nearly a year ago. And to feel and realize how much things have changed, how much I have improved. And that the words I was saying at the time to convince myself things would get better. And to help other people in the same situation feel like things will get better, really were true words.

I work hard every single day to be present in this life for my kids. But i dont have to work as hard as I did in the beginning. My mind isnt constantly sayying “this isnt happening” it knows its happening. Life goes on. As crazy as it is. Life doesnt stop.

My kids are growing. I am growing. As the trial date continues to approach. Only a month away, I find myself having to rehash some of these feelings I felt in the beginning. Like I miss my mom, the person she wasnt. The person I wanted her to be. I miss long phone conversations and the moments when she did make me feel important. But none of that was real. I was just a pawn in her game. Shes still playing. Shes still hiding. Shes still trying to pull off being a victim. The only things shes a victim of is playing her own game, heartlessness, and emptiness. I am sure even with her friends and family on her side, shes probably one of the loneliest people in the world. Im sure her tears, are real. I cant imagine someone being able to fake cry so many times. I think she has emotion. I think shes a sociopath, nit a phycopath.

The feelings I feel about her are not nearly as strong as they were february to basically october of last year. I was in denial and didnt want to believe who she was. Who she is.

This morning my daughter and I had time to ourselves. She stood beside me as I lay on the couch, driving this white toy car back and forth. Laughing and sticking her tongue out at me every time we made eye contact.

Shes around the age my sister was when we were adopted. And I look at her and I see my sister sometimes. I remember old picture of her and my daughter is similar in some ways. I feel this deeo aching pain at the thought of my parents intentions in adopting my sister and I. And I cant help but wonder how anyone can be so twisted to hurt a child. Over and over. Continously over the course of a decade.

Anyone who decides to come gear the evidence at this trial should prepare themselves for details that I have not made public. Sick details that will make you feel like you just swallowed something real poisonous.

I think for family members and friends it is important that you go and hear these things. Whether you believe me, or you dont. Because now it is up to the courts and will soon be up to a jury. And Hearing the evidence along with them and not just reading my words or hearing things from my mouth. But truely witnessing and understanding the actions that this man performed on innocent little girls. Don’t let your pride get in the way of going.

I am planning on being as professional as possible. Going to court is a serious thing and I do not plan to talk to any body besides those who welcome my company. I know who my people are. And i know who my people aren’t.

But you cannot claim a side unless you have heard the Truth through the courts yourself.

As each day goes by and my mind body and soul heals itself. I will continue to go back and read my blogs from the beginning. Including the ones I have had to put on private. So You might start hearing from me more often. I still want everyone to be apart of this process as much as possible because I want my story to make an impact on other people. Victims or not.

Love Ally