Entry #86

Dear Reader,

I find that awaiting this trial has made the days much longer then before. And they already felt long. But Ive been trying to look at life differently. Because really my kids are growing fast and the days are just too short.

I spent my morning doing a sea turtle painting tutorial with My oldest son. I was amazed at his patience and his abilty to follow step my step instructions all on his own. Let me just show it off really quick because I am obsessed…

He put every single detail on himself. It was so pleasing to watch him concentrate on making the seaweed. It took us nearly 2 hours to finish our paintings. And I realized he really does love to focus.

I did some dishes,cleaned a sticky icky toilet that smelled like homeless pee. Then I went last minute valentines day shopping for Eris’ class.

When we got home the boys played outside. And road bikes and scooter till about 530, then we did our regular evening routine.

I found my thoughts drifting off with worry about the upcoming trial. And I really tried to put all of those fears aside and focus on today. But I do remind myself that if I act like those thoughts arent there, I explode or freeze like a deer in the headlights, not knowing what to do. To the point where instead of saying “Hey how are you doing? I look pretty happy yea?” I say something like “Youre a piece of shit you know that, a real piece of shit” and walk away so angry. Never knowing what you couldve said had you of been prepared. I dont like angry to take over my thoughts or actions. Its healthy for me to have some fears, or anger towards upcoming days. Its important for me to face that, accept that and just go on with my day.

I am concerned with who I may see at this upcoming trial. I dont know how many of Guys supporters or friends, whatever we want to call them, will be there. I would think theyd show up wanting to hear the facts and evidence and all that to decide for themselves what they believe. Rather then just acting on there emotions. If we were to put aside our emotions and go into this with no expectation just listening and taking in the facts then maybe it would bring some sort of peace and acceptance into there lives. But who knows. I dont. But i know im having to put my emotions aside as well. I keep asking myself if I need to hear anything. And I have come to the conclusion that I do need to. I need to let this be the conclusion to this part of my life. So I can leave it in the past and live for my future.

Though the days feel long to getting my justice I know very well that God will Have his Wrath on his own timing.

2 Peter 3:8

With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day’

Romans 12:19 

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

The Day is Coming. My justice is coming. No amount of pain on earth can be as satisfying as the wrath of My God.

Love Ally