Entry #34

Dear Reader,

She keeps going to work everyday. My mom. Yea She keeps living life like everything is normal. When my whole world felt like it was falling apart. Shewas unphased. When everything I’d ever known crumbled right in front of me, she went to work. She didnt feel sorry for me. She didnt make me feel like she loved me. I mean all the signs were there that she didnt give a damn about me. But ya know, it was still a hard pill to swallow.

While I was recovering from loosing my family, she was covering her ass as well as my dad by having her coworker, who by the way knows absolutely nothing about me and has met me once!, Message multiple people on my friends list. To tell them that I suffered from a mental illness. Its absolutely laughable. Because honestly even if if i did have a mental health issue, wouldn’t a loving, caring and concerned parent keep that to themselves and just do everything they can to reach out to there daughter?

Nah. They did everything they could to invalidate my story before I even got to tell it. They told people to ignore my posts about abuse, because they don’t want you or anyone else to know the truth about them.

All of the lies they’ve fed me in my life is enough to swallow an entire bottle of pills. Each pill representing something of me I lost because of them. Security, confidence, self values, loyalty to them, empty conversations that once meant something, every hug, every tear, every single moment of every single possitive memory I had. Fake. A twisted lie. The result of a web of deceit.

I drove past her work today on my way home from a friends. And I saw her car parked with her American Flag sunvisor thing in the windshield. I continued to drive as fast as I could, just barely glancing at her vehicle. And when I tell you my stomach was in knots I mean KNOTS. knots tied over and over that you just cant untie. No matter how hard you pick at it with your fingers, or pull at it with your teeth.

As I was driving home thinking about what Ive had to endure. She was there. At work. Pretending to care about people, helping the countries veterans who fought for her freedom, Our freedom and she is wasting it trying to do everything she can to cover for her husband, my abuser, my sisters abuser, and more then likely, multiple women and childrens abuser. But she sits there. With her head held high, clinging to her pride like a cluster of baby spiders clung onto its mothers back.

But just like that spider, When you squash it, all the babies run everywhere. Scattered. And just like that her pride will be scattered and the “rumors” that she trys so hard to protect herself from, will be running wild throughout the whole country, maybe the whole world. And they will travel further then a baby spider, whos moms been stepped on.

Hmm maybe driving past her work and knowing she doesnt give two shits about me was a good reminder of what Im fighting for.

Love Ally