Entry #32

Dear Reader,

I already blogged today. But something is on my mind that I feel the need to talk about.

I look at my daughter. Shes 4 months. She smiles at me everytime I make Eye contact with her. She hardly cries and when she does I just want to make her smile again. Shes one of the best things that ever happened to me. Camellia is such a blessing.

I can’t help but feel this sadness that what if my adoptive parents had of laid eyes on me since the moment I was born? Would they have still treated me the way that they did? Or would they have loved me more…

The answer will forever haunt me because I dont think it would habe mattered. My mom was there for each of my kids births. And she doesnt care about them. She cares about her lifestyle more then she cares about my babies. And to realize that that has always been the case. Terrifies me.

I named my Daughter after her. After my mother. Camellia Darlene Angela…. Angela. A name that meant so much to me but it now makes me sick to look at her birth certificate. Ive been so consumed with all of this trauma that I havent had time to change my daughters name…

I named my daughter after someone who abused me just as much as my father… and thats what makes everything so bad. I viewed all my moms controlling antics as loving and caring. The control she had over me, I thought was good. I thought that meant that she wanted the best for me. But she didnt and it wasn’t and she was hurting me intentionally all along. And my Daughter, has to carry a name that is now my burden. My mistake. I didn’t see the truth. If only. I had of saw the truth before I named her.

Children are so innocent. There minds are so brilliant and It hurts my heart that there really are people that prey on them. 1 in 3 woman are sexually abused in there lifetime. Isnt that sickening? 1 in 8 are abused as a child. Pedophiles dont just go after little girls. Its boys too. And its beyond my comprehension how anyone! Man or woman can be attracted to a CHILD.

I vomit violently, almost everytime I think about the sexual abuse I endured. Makes me so uncomfortable to think that I knew I didnt like it but I didnt know what it was so in my mind I was letting it happen. In my mind, as a little girl, I thought it was my fault. And almost every child thats been abused felt that way. And its horrible.

Children are a blessing. And it is our Job as parents and just decent human beings to protect them. And anyone who is willing to cover for a child molester is just as guilty and disgusting as the offender. Have some respect for yourself and for the children and turn in anyone you know thats harmed a child. Even if you have no proof. If you suspect it TALK. Noone talked for me. People wondered but noone stepped up to help. And thats why I was trapped in it. For so damn long. Because everyone minded there own business, rather then be a voice for me. Be the voice a child doesnt know they have. And stand up for what is right.

Love Ally