Entry #31

Dear Reader,

Its easy to warp the mind of a child. You have to be a really sick person to train there minds for your personal gain. You really do. I was groomed in so many ways. I was taught that I was to obey my parents. No matter what. For it pleases the Lord. And If I didnt obey them. Or understand what they wanted me to do. I would be spanked. Not once, not twice but mutiple times.

As a child it was my responsibility to make sure all the chores were done before mom and dad got home. Even if my siblings didnt do the chores assigned. I had to do it for them. Because it was my responsibility and I got in trouble when things were not done.

I wasn’t just taught to forgive. I was taught that every one of us kids had to forgive our parents. But they never had to forgive us. We would get in trouble for the simplest little things. Saying the word stupid. Or naming a barbie toy butthead. I wasnt aloud to say sugar coated swear words. But my Dad cussed us out everytime he didnt get his way. I wasn’t allowed to say sugar coated swear words. But my dad was allowed to rape me and my sister almost every day. I wasnt allowed to play with friends till I cleaned up my dads projects for work in the garage. My siblings and I spent hours organizing his shit just for it to be destroyed again in 2 days and have to clean it again the next week. I didnt understand. I was so confused by what was right and what was wrong because everything was backwards.

“Don’t have sex before marriage. (That was already taken from me so the argument didnt make sense) Dont do things behind our backs. (But my dad would make me touch him and tell me not to tell anyone) Dont wear makeup.(while everyone else did so i stood out like a sore thumb)” My dad would sing God Bless America IN church on the stage. While i sat in the podiums with a sore bottom from his actions that morning. IT WAS DISGUSTING. no wonder I was so lost.

As an adult when I was dating my husband. My mother contacted his mom constantly. Saying that by me visiting Him all the time, and her allowing it was supporting my bad behavior. Because hanging out with my boyfriend late into the night was bad on my moms reputation. I was always trying to do right by them but nothing was ever good enough. I was dating a good christian man, and they were still on my ass about him. Just as much as they were when I had an abusive boyfriend.

I had no privacy. They went through my phone all the time. MY PHONE. Not my sisters often. And never my brothers. Just mine. And I knew if I didnt give it up theyd beat my ass. But theyd beat my ass anyways if I talked about them to my friends. The phone was to be put in there room every single night. They were strict. They were overbearing. And I had no independence. I had no security. Because I was afraid to say anything.

My dad once threw me outside when i was 17. He grabbed me by the hood of my sweater, picked me up off the ground. And told me to fuck off. Throwing me outside in the pouring rain, in the middle of the night. And he locked the door.

I waited outside in the doghouse for hours. Literally in a dog house like I was trash. And they didnt look for me at first. So I ran away. Through the creekbed that ran through the property. I was wet. And it was cold. It was dark so the bushes i ran through ended up being poison oak. And it covered my entire body. I put myself in more danger and Hitchhiked on Highway 49. Got a ride from a scary old man in a white van. Clung onto a pocket knife as we drove to san andreas then met up with my boyfriend at the time who took me to a friends house. Where I slept in there shed that night. I would have rather slept on a dirty mattress in a dirty shed then been at home.

So that night I got the flu. I puked all night running from the shed to inside this dirty hoarders house with a narrow pathway to the bathroom to puke. That next afternoon. After several missed messages from my Dad begging me to come back. I called them, because I was sick. Met them at a burger king and my dad took me home.

I never got an apology for that. In fact I was so sick and violently puking still when I got home that I asked my mom for some water. She told me to get it myself. She didnt say im glad your home. She didnt say she was worried about me. She just picked up the phone in the kitchen and called her mother and told her what an ungreatful daughter I was. She said “Ally didnt even appologize to me. She just asked for water like i am her servant.”

It was a landline she was speaking on so I picked up the other end of the phone. Where I then heard my grandma say “Lock up all your stuff Angie, shes a lier and a thief.”

My eyes burned with tears. My heart ached hearing her say that. I had never stolen anything from them in my life. They kicked me out! And yet they made it seem like as though I was an ungrateful bitch who left for no reason. In a fury I yelled out Im not a thief or a lier. Are you kidding me! Why would you get grandma to say these things about me”

My mom then told me to mind my business and stop snooping on her conversations. She didn’t appologize. She didnt hug me. She let my grandparents believe i was this horrible daughter. When really I was only ever trying to please them. I didnt ever care about the water…just the fact that I felt so unloved that day. That this is where my mind began searching for anything or anyone to love me. Even seeked my moms approval every day for the rest of my adult years, until now.

That night they ruined my relationship with my best friends Aunt and Uncle. Because my parents pounded on there door. Demanding that they let them in there trailer to see if I was there. And told them I had run away. For no reason. And portrayed me to be a bad friend. And from that day forward, My friends family always viewed me as a trouble maker.

I guess I am rambling now. I just was so mortified today at my kids therapy appointments because I realized that I really did live this Horrible life. And all these things scare me as a mother. Because I dont want my kids to experience what I did. And the fact that my family….groomed me to believe that the way they treated me was normal. Makes me so sick to my stomach sometimes I can hardly cope.

My mind works now. The way its suppossed to. My parents have portrayed me to be crazy every moment since I was a child. Because They knew a day would come where I would realize there manipulation and they would use every situation in my childhood against me. And it makes me sad to know they planned it all along.

I have to sell one of my horses. To afford to pay for all the money Ive spent on a lawyer. Because my parents are never going to stop. I dont matter to them. I never did. And All the money is being wasted to result in nothing but a conversation.

But I will do anything to protect my kids. To end my emotional turmoil.

I want to train my kids to love themselves no matter what. To know I support them and love them regardless of the choices they make. Because they are kids. And they deserve to explore the world on there own. Of course I will guide them along the way. But I will always treat them like there own person. I will always give them the attention and respect they deserve.

I want them to always know I fought as hard as I could for as long as I could for them.

Love Ally