Entry #27

Dear Reader,

Days like today. When I feel like I can do nothing. Are the days my mind seems to run the most wild. My mind is filled with questions after questions.

Yesterday my husband and I took the kids to the snow. They laughed and giggled and squealed with joy. I watched as our little Dog Dandy. Leaped! Through the snow. That little daschund is so tiny she would almost dissapear. And then BOOM shed pop back out of the snow, like a dolphin in the sea. And once again. I found myself happy.

I dragged my feet all morning yesterday. I tried to curl up in a ball under my blankets on the safety of my bed. But My husband nagged at me till I got up. Then I brushed my hair. And looked in the mirror and thought. Dang I have shiny hair. It was a knotted mess before i had brushed it. And I decided I liked looking clean. So I applied a little makeup and looked in the mirror again telling myself, “There you dont look sad. You are beautiful and you are strong. Show your kids how to have some fun”

And so I did just that. And in the process I had fun too! I did ‘trust falls’ in the snow onto my back with my four year old son Eris. He is absolutely amazing. If only you knew him! He is so bright. And funny. And curious! He looks at his world in such a positive light, i wish I could see the world that way.

And my two year old son Kuiper. He has No Fear! None at all! He is adventurous and bold! Definitely NOT afraid to tell you what hes feeling. Hes really been good at pulling me out of the gutter with his jokes. And he doesnt even know hes doing it.

SEE! This is why I blogged today. I didnt know what to say because I didnt want all my posts to be full of negativity. I have questions. But I may never get answers. And although that doesn’t feel okay to me. It also doesnt surprise me. And I cant let it bring me down right?

I gotta pull my head right out of this sinking hole of a gutter. And realize that I lived my whole life Asking the questions. And its time to stop. I just hope one day I get answers when the time comes. Until then. I want to spend as little time as possible dwelling on these feelings. Im going to allow myself a few minutes to blog. And in those moments I can decide whether to write about my feeling on my past or to write about the joys of my day. But Its only those few moments I can allow myself to dig deep. To ask the questions I want to ask. Even without answers.

Its going to be another good day today.

Love Ally