Entry #26

Dear Reader,

I spent all night last night. In a never ending anxiety attack. An anxiety attach over this statement “I didnt rape her I just had sex with her”

Thats what my dad said. 2 Years ago about when he was admitting to us what he did to his other victim. I just had sex.

THAT is where his mind is. He gets so much pleasure from a child that he actually calls it sex. I spit that word as I say it. Sex. An act of love or attraction to another adult. Thats what he refured to his acts of abuse as. Not violating. Not degrading, not like it was something totally inexcusable.

His brain is that Fucked up. That those feelings are considered normal to him. And at one time. I felt bad for him. I felt sorry that i tempted him. Sorry for him that he couldn’t control those urges…..

Thats how messed up my brain was. He told me so many times that its was an accident and I needed to love him anyways. That i actually started to believe him and love him. And then…i loved him since the age of 14 on, i thought i truely loved him…

And I did.

And I wish he would just tell the truth. For me and show me that he loves me just like i thought he did. But he wont. Because He didnt really love me.

Love Ally